Very stressed about the future

Dear all

Thank you so very much for your kind and positive answers.
Dear AngieP, don’t worry about hijacking the post – it is great to see positive discussions and Sherrara’s view is actually quite similar to mine.

I would not like to stay in the FMH, not really for the “memories” (we lived there less than a year as a family) but because I still feel I owe something to my ex by the fact that I live there (even if from a financial point of view, I am completely independent).
I am looking forward to “starting fresh” somewhere else and have a place that is “just mine and my daughter”.

But it is the limbo stage at the moment that is difficult. I have known for about 2 years that the FMH will be sold around this time and the wait has been long and draining.
And I am definitively not happy about renting, but it will give me time to find what I want to do with my life going forward.
Also the stalled situation with my current partner sometimes takes me down as I don’t see us going forward either.

AngieP, I think I should try to take “one day at the time / one issue at the time” but it is so difficult not to have my mind racing forward and starting to get very anxious and panicky feelings.

Thanks StressedDad and Declan for your suggestions about meditation. I did try to see a counsellor (actually several!) but it was not really helping – I was just going in circle and not making any process, so I decided to stop (too much money for too little results!).
I did try warm baths and even herbal remedies to sleep better but to no luck. Oh well, I will eventually sleep!

Thank all so much - It is great to have people who understand what this situation feels like. My friends and family are supportive but don’t really understand what it’s like to getting through a divorce – even a very amicable one.
All the best

Marshy, just saw your post (I must have been typing mine at the same time).

Your post is very true and I relate a lot to what you saying.
It is the uncertainty I am scared of.

I am a very resilient person – and, in my marriage, I was very often the “deciding one”, the “doer”.
I have always been driven and I took a lot on myself for both of us (which is probably one of the main reasons this relationship broke apart).
So, I am not scare of “being on my own”.

However, not just me – I am not flying solo.
I have my 6 year old daughter with me. And that what scared me the most.
It is the lack of stability for her that I find is very scary: changing flats (once now but again probably in a year time when I know where I want to be/live), eventually changing school, changing area…
At the moment, she see me getting the house ready (put stuff in boxes, moving furniture, repainting) but I have not answer for her on “what is next? Where we will be living?”

And I am also scared because I like planning. It is my way of tanning anxiety. I need “a plan”.
But at the moment, too many variables are outside of my control and I feel like I don’t have a grip on things.

So, I know I should just “go with the flow” and do not over stressed about what is going to happen (because what needs to happen will happen anyway!) but I am struggling a lot to do this…

Dgth4 wrote:

So, I know I should just “go with the flow” and do not over stressed about what is going to happen (because what needs to happen will happen anyway!) but I am struggling a lot to do this…

Dont just go with the flow. Recognise that you *will* get stressed. A small amount of stress is useful. It helps to motivate us. But if your finding your suffering from classic stress symptoms, deal with it. Being over stressed is harmful long term.

You love planning? From the planning angle this process is a planners dream. You say you cant plan as there are too many variables. That''s not true. You can always plan. But plans are going to change as the information comes in and things firm up. Just be aware of that and plan accordingly. Its always good to plan for nothing else then it gives us something to focus on rather than "I cant do this". Dont look at the whole task. Its way to big to contemplate. Instead, zoom in on parts of it. Tackle them. And if you can move one part of the overall plan an inch everyday pretty soon it will be complete. If I asked you to eat an elephant you would say no way. But if I gave you a small piece everyday then you could with ease. Thats how to approach it.

As for flying solo, even with kids your flying solo. Your in charge of them. So decisions you make of course will affect them. But I want to say something about kids...

Kids are amazingly resilient and they have one great quality. They adapt really fast and they are tougher then we think.

Lastly.. And I really mean this. You can do this. And providing you take this seriously and from what you have said thats a given, you will come out OK. The people that do not do so well in this space are the ones that sit back and let it happen. Engage with it. Make it happen and it will go well. We are all survivors in the making. Not victims of circumstance. And falling down is life. Getting up again is living. Remember that. Marshy.

On the same theme there is a JK Rowling quote which says: "Some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case you fail by default".
Or, as Marshy says falling down is life! What matters is what we learn from the falling down and then getting up again.Its sometimes easier to say than do but its so important.Good luck, hope you find somewhere nice to go. I am about 6 weeks away from moving out of the FMH so I know how it feels.

beatle wrote:

On the same theme there is a JK Rowling quote which says: "Some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case you fail by default".

Is divorce failure though? I dont see divorce as failure at all. I see it as not being successful yet. When I think of this it reminds me of Edison and the light bulb. When asked why he had failed to produce a working light bulb in the (dunno 237) times he tried he said, "at least I know that its not one of the 237 things I tried". To me thats a good attitude. No one has failed. Its just its not worked yet.

But of course. JK Rowling was sort of right (to my mind). We cant be 100% successful at everything. Not everything we ever try will work. But the world rewards triers. Like Edison and the light bulb. He just kept on trying until it worked out. Of course the light bulb has changed all our lives and is one of the greatest inventions along with.. Toast, Ant & Dec, Dot Cotton, maca paca and who could leave out string vests and plastic Macs like my old Ma had? But there are lessons for us here. We have to keep trying to make something work (in this case our lives) and we will make it work. If we keep trying.

Lastly on the same subject. Divorce (to me) is like the Tarot death card to me. That card does not mean death. It means a re-birth. So to me, thats what divorce actually is also. A restart. A reboot to life and no one failed. Marshy.

NO, I don''t regards divorce as failure, or at least I try not to. On my good days I know that I tried too hard to make it work and sacrificed my soul at times to try and keep him happy. So its not my failure, and maybe not his, just not meant to be. But I thought the sentiments of the quote were good,I have had some counselling and have learnt some good lessons so that I can learn form the "not being successful" yet and maybe do better next time - whether that is learning to love myself (hate that phrase) or someone else.So I think we agree, learn from it and keep trying..

However I don''t think I can agree on Ant & Dec as one of the greatest inventions (or string vests really). How about ice cream, music and sunny beaches?

beatle wrote:

However I don''t think I can agree on Ant & Dec as one of the greatest inventions (or string vests really). How about ice cream, music and sunny beaches?

I actually cant stand Ant and Dec. But some like um. But Dot Cotton and her not casting aspersions, gota love that woman. Sunny beaches and Ice cream? With you there...

I hate the love yourself thing also. But.... you can love what your about and what you stand for. That kinda works for me.

But I said (for me) a fair bit. This is the way I see things. Not saying you have to.

But one of the things I have learned is to look at things on a positive note. Glass half full and all that. But thats just me. For me it works. When I have faced some real challenges in my life I have looked for the positive side of a very dark event. And thus far, its done me OK.

But never berate yourself for:

On my good days I know that I tried too hard to make it work and sacrificed my soul at times to try and keep him happy.

What you did was positive. You have to fight for things sometimes. Like Mr E. But you could have walked away. But you didnt. Be proud of that cos it shows you are a person of stature and metal. And one day most likely, you will have to do it again.

But bottom line is that your worth it and he just isnt. Its like chucking good money after bad on a hours thats never going to win.

Marshy.