I was doing ok - and then OW contacted me

You did so well not to respond to OW''s childish email. It''s frustrating how these setbacks happen, but I notice it in myself and other friends going through divorce at the moment. Whether it''s contact with ex or OW, the kids struggling, or the stress of the legal process or moving house, it feels you like are being dragged back to the early weeks and months, that place none of us ever want to go back to. I hope this passes soon and your ex and his clearly insecure and unstable girlfriend leave you alone. x

Poor you, I am very much in the early stages of all this but i have some amazing friends and family but on a daily basis I have my animals and my dog who is very demanding but keeps me occupied in my moments of panic/loneliness. Keep going, we will be the better people when this is all in the past.

Patsy39 wrote:

I almost pity her.

I am glad your smelling the coffee. Peoples actions betray. If I have to tell you I am having great sex every weekend with a super model and she cooks a wonderful breakfast and she makes sure the stretch is available for me and my mates to bring us back from the footie then the chances are I am telling a number of fibs. In fact its all fibs.

But we are good at listening to words not looking at actions. Words are just sounds. They often have no meaning. And they can be said to deceive. This OW contacted you with the express desire to hurt you. Why? Your a threat to her. She isnt having great whatever with your ex and things are not going so well. If everything was that great then why would they tell you? The actions betrayed her.

I have a name for this. I call it perfect family inside. My ex put a sticker on her car that said "perfect family inside". And that hurt me. But then I thought about it. No family is perfect. And saying something no matter what it is does not make it so. The family unit that I used to belong to was far from perfect. It was very dysfunctional actually with a lot of nastiness. The plaque should actually read... "Lot of bullying inside". But it was put there to upset me. And it worked. For a while. But then I smelled not coffee. But bullsh!t.

Lastly. Nothing is ever as it seems. We are swayed by things that look shiny. When often all we need to do is scratch the shine and we will see rust underneath. Dont believe everything that is said. Actions, actions actions. They tell the true intent. Not words. Or actually pictures. Anyone can smile for as long as it takes to hit the button. Someone once said that pictures never lie. I dispute that entirely. FaceBook should be called LieBook. Its full to the brim of lying words and lying pictures. All put there to decieve others to show the world that everything is great. But the truth is its not. Marshy.

Thank you all for your replies - it''s such a relief to be able to talk with people who know what it''s like.

I certainly feel stronger for not pain shopping anymore. I''ve written little notes to myself on my phone to read whenever I weaken and want to do it again. And I also wrote down all the things that have happened between me and the stbx, and the reasons why the marriage broke down, and it''s helped me gain some perspective a little.

As for the OW, she''s obviously very insecure, possibly through previous bad experiences, I don''t know. I think it was totally unacceptable for her to contact me, and I think it says a lot about her as a person that she thought it was an OK thing to do. On that note, good luck to the stbx - he''s begun a relationship based on mistrust and deceit, so it''s doomed to fail before it''s even properly begun. Shame he can''t see this, but I guess lust makes you blind and foolish, and hands you the brush so that you can quickly brush things under the carpet

Marshy_ wrote:

I have a name for this. I call it perfect family inside. My ex put a sticker on her car that said "perfect family inside". And that hurt me. But then I thought about it. No family is perfect. And saying something no matter what it is does not make it so.

That''s priceless - what an atrociously smug sticker! Worse than the stick figure stickers that announce to fellow drivers how many children and animals you have. I don''t go asking for these comments but people who come across OW or her FB page tell me she is very upfront with her bragging about her "amazing" supportive husband and her 4 children (she neglects to mention 2 are stepchildren and how that happened). I don''t pity her yet but knowing how fragile her happiness will be with an emotionally unavailable cheat, maybe I will be.

I like your trick Methu of the notes on the phone - you are doing really well getting back on track. I have internalised a lot of advice from here so that if I''m tempted to respond angrily to a provocative email or text about kids or finances, I hold off for at least 24 hours, by which time the urge has passed and I can ignore or respond politely.