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Why.... do I feel not good 3 year on.

  • stemginger
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06 May 15 #460947 by stemginger
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Declan, I wonder if you are missing family life a bit. You say that your children have flown the nest. I think it''s hard to recreate a future you were not anticipating and it can feel very productive working towards bringing up a family. I notice that I drift around in a ghostlike way until my girls come home for the holidays and then I feel much better.
Your house is on the market now but you may consider a lodger when you move? It can be very nice to have people rattling around the place. You get that flow through of life. I do think it''s quite tough being the last one in the FMH - I am in the same position and sometimes I catch a memory of a past time in the corner of my eyes.
It seems that you are working from the outside in....improving your life externally in the hope that you will feel better internally. What else can one do? I think you are doing really well and have come a long way. You are building a bridge into an unknown future and one day you will have made it to the other side and then you will look back and see how hard you worked, each step took you forwards.

  • Patsy39
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06 May 15 #460952 by Patsy39
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Declan I totally relate to how you feel.

I''m in a very similar position - almost 3 years on and wondering why I still have that feeling of emptiness that lingers.

Like you, I try so hard to live my life to the full...I go running, to the gym, have busy weekends and lots of great friends, a lovely house and financial security and I''ve had my share of dates along the way.

I know I am not the worst case scenario in a divorce situation. I am blessed in so many ways but....there is till a but.

I seem fine to the outside world. I AM fine most the time. I''m the one who jollies everyone along, who organises girly lunches and weekends away, and concerts and nights out and I try to stay positive and have things to look forward to.

But.....like you say I sometimes come home to an empty house and my heart sinks.

I still have my children at home but they are growing up and don''t seem to need me so much. So suddenly I feel redundant and actually for the first time since my split I feel lonely at times.

Last weekend my friend and her husband stayed at my house. In the morning, when I woke I could hear them in the next bedroom quietly chatting away. My bed suddenly felt so big and empty. It really hit home that I missed those times. Just waking up and snuggling up and chatting to your partner.

I guess there will always be emotional triggers like that.

But we have to keep battling on.

I''m glad I logged on and read your post. It just helps to know that it''s normal to still feel the way we do.

But hey we''ve survived and we''re doing our best and it can only get better.

Good luck

  • blondecazza
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07 May 15 #460956 by blondecazza
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You are not alone I think it''s the hardest thing in the world to get used to change if it''s for good or bad.
I know I''ve found the last 4 years the hard even though the end of the marriage was for the best.
I know that my whole life has changed forever and I will find it hard to ever trust anyone again because of the abuse but you know what I try my hardest to keep a positive out look on life.
I own my house outright so I always think there are people out there worse then me.
We all can do this just got to keep thinking positive.
Keeping smiling Declan :))))))))

  • Declan
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07 May 15 #460958 by Declan
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Want to say thank you for the support.

Just a tough time at the moment you know.

Maybe, I am finally facing the truth and I don t like what I see ,or me
boy, have I got work to do. A lot of work .


  • afonleas
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07 May 15 #460962 by afonleas
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Now for my 2 pennorth.

I more than any other know you,your life,your previous life and what your future plans were,so I feel that I am in a comfortable position to say how I see things.

Throughout your life you have been dealt some massive hits,but seemingly you dealt with them,reality...you had not.The hits just came coming,and suddenly 3 years ago,your life erupted,it went totally kaput.
All of this you had no control over,and for someone who is used to being in control,this knocked you hard.
Actually now there were more issues compounding the other issues,and you felt helpless with it all.

Then you start your self destruction journey,the one that eventually took all your self esteem away,it sounds good written down,going out,few dates a bachelor lifestyle,but is this you? No...

Whilst that journey was ongoing,none of your issues are being dealt with,yes they are sometimes looked at,you think yes I identify with that,and I can get XYZ sorted and I will be fine..If only that was the case...

All the money,the cars,holidays in the world mean nothing if your head is not where it should be,and yours is not.When you attempt to get all those issues sorted,and you can see exactly who you are,your good points and also the bad,and actually acknowledge that person,because even though we know who we are,we sometimes do not acknowledge it..

At that moment you feel like life is a struggle,and yes it is,but only for the time being....You have a fantastic future ahead of you,but you have to go get it,it will not come to you unless you welcome it,and that means working through those issues,finally letting go of some of this background stuff.

There are 2 words that we have no control of at all,they are yesterday and tomorrow..
Although we can change our thought process about them TODAY,we can let yesterday go and we can look forwards to welcoming tomorrow,and with that thought I mean starting to let things go,by finally dealing with them.

I am sorry that this maybe hard for you to read,but like I said,I feel confidant in saying them,the past as you knew it has gone,but letting go of the emotions is something your struggling with,maybe you want to hurt yourself?

Our lives are a journey from cradle to the grave,and how good or bad that journey is,we do have some control over it,but sometimes we have to find the strength to take that control..

Stay strong
Afon Xx

  • Declan
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07 May 15 #461005 by Declan
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Well, lots of good advice and support here so thank you for that.

Afon--- Why beat about the bush.... just tell me straight ... lol

pull your socks up lol

Seriously, thank you all . I know that all on here truly understand what pain we carry or have carried.

Massive respect to all. And warm thoughts for all ...

  • Primo
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13 May 15 #461280 by Primo
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I’m no authority on this so my words may not be the soundest of advice but here goes.

Whilst we are on this mortal coil with are given a gift. It is the most precious of gifts. That gift is time. Ultimately, how we spend that time is down to us. It seems to me that the way we spend time falls into several different boxes: we spend time doing what we want, doing what we have or need to do and doing things that we don’t like to do. Sometimes an activity will fall into more than one box. For example going to work: if one really enjoys their work it falls into both boxes of want and need. Get it? Let’s leave that theory there for the time being.

Humans are complex. Their train of thought and reasoning is affected constantly by the experiences they have been through; are going through and what they might face in the future. These experiences get jumbled up like clothes in a washing machine with the result that thought processes whilst clean on the inside are wrinkled and disjointed on the outside. I think this is what may be happening to you.

Let me give an example. Your sentence about your guitar as a comfort blanket struck a note with me. Playing your guitar I am sure brings you happiness. It is something that you want to do. But, I suspect that when your journey through hell began you spent many, many hours playing your guitar alone. Am I right? If so, you actually get enjoyment from playing your guitar in solitude because it reminds you of the worst time in your life which in turn makes you feel bad. So, to follow the train of logic through you are actually getting enjoyment from something that makes you feel bad. I think one poster described this kind of behaviour as pain shopping. It’s a twisted way of seeing things but could that be the reality? I said that humans are complex.

I’m not saying stop playing your guitar but might it be a wise course of action not to play in solitude? Perhaps have a few of the boys over and have a jam?

Likewise with the weddings. It seems to me that you said yes to the invitations more out of obligation than really wanting to go. That is understandable. There is no way on this planet I will attend a wedding unless I am loved up and with someone new. But here’s the point. Unless the weddings are of those of close family you don’t have to go. You can send the happy couple a great gift and make your excuses. You can then spend that time doing something that you really, really want to do. Race day at the local race track, having a jam with the boys, whatever.

It’s funny that when I was married I was a total workaholic (that in part probably led to the failure of my marriage). I would work, work and then work some more. Now I find that this was ridiculous. In my present state I work hard: yes but at the end of the day the shutters come down and it’s me time. I spend more time being a father now then I ever have done, I spend more time indulging in my favourite passion (reading) than I have for as many years as I can remember, I have even gained some friends: something which I never have had all throughout my adult life. If I want hermit time I take it.

Time is finite but the way in which you can spend it is infinite. So why spend it doing things that make you feel bad? Spend it doing things that make you feel alive!

I guess at the end of the day all I am trying to say is that there is a massive world out there full of adventures and experiences. Whilst it is impossible to live them all you can grasp on to as many as you want. All you’ve got to do is invest your time wisely in the most important person: you!

Good luck, buddy.

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