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  • Declan
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08 May 15 #461006 by Declan
Topic started by Declan

Just a quick one.

Is it possible to ever truly trust a member of the opposite sex after the pain of divorce? Really trust them without thinking what is their angle.

I am not being gender specific, because I know that women have also been lied to and cheated on and taken for a ride and vice versa.


  • Crumpled
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08 May 15 #461008 by Crumpled
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I am still in the night after night sleepless mode so forgive me if this doesn''t make much sense
I am naturally the sort of person who trusts other people just in general as what you see is what you get with me and I expect others to treat me the same as I would treat them ....with honesty.
I think the breach of trust is certainly the thing in my Ex relationship that has knocked me totally for six and something I still can''t get my head around and truly believe that someone could be so deceitful which makes me every day feel like a prize idiot
I can''t answer you declan I would like to trust again I truly would but I am not sure whether this whole experience has broken me so much I will actually ever allow anyone to get close to me again
I think that makes me weak and pathetic ....I am not new to this it is four years down the line for me
I would like to trust and maybe be in a relationship again but to be honest it is almost easier to hide away and be on my own inam not sure that is so much about trust though but self esteem

I would like to trust one day there are good honest decent people out there next time I will just find one of them.......

  • Declan
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08 May 15 #461010 by Declan
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Thanks living my life for sharing that .... three years down the line for me everything done and dusted Absolute and finance sorted. Just the house to sell then all done.

Are we weak re the trust angle ? I am not so sure myself on that one.
Jury out.... Are we stronger,,,

Can someone ever get close to me in that way again ?

Think i will make a cup t hop back in bed and ponder that ..


  • AngieP
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08 May 15 #461013 by AngieP
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Hi Declan

Agree with much of what said by livingmylife, I also feel a prize idiot at realisation of depth and extent of deceit within marriage.

One of many things I have learnt through this awful experience is that there are a lot of good and decent people out there. Whilst not sure if I would ever trust completely again would like to think I have learnt enough to spot any "red flags" and any deceit, incongruence of words/actions would send me running a mile.

I understand the point about self esteem and maybe some of us have to work on that one. I know I do and am. I also wonder if it now comes down to being able to trust myself and my own judgement and as often mentioned on this site the setting of boundaries and self respect.

  • Mitchum
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08 May 15 #461019 by Mitchum
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Self-help books tell us we have to ‘learn’ to trust again. We didn’t ''learn'' to fall in love, but when that love ends and we’re struggling with huge trust issues it seems we have to ‘learn’ to trust new people in our lives.

It’s obvious we’re going to have a fragile sense of trust, but admitting that trusting again after your divorce is a real issue for you, doesn''t make you weak. It means you are facing up to the fact and that’s important.

Lack of trust is us questioning our choices, because we made such a mess of the last trust situation we were in we’ve lost faith in our powers of judgement.

Perhaps because the relationship ended so badly we inherently think all people are going to treat us badly – wrong! There are lots of decent people who wouldn’t treat you badly. As AngieP says, most people are decent and kind. Perhaps because we were hurt, we can’t see that goodness in others without being suspicious about their intentions. Why are they being so nice to me?

We choose our friends because of who they are and their special qualities, in time you will learn to trust the people who show you care and understanding. I suppose time is a huge factor in learning to trust again.

Given time you will learn to like someone again and in time you will learn to trust them.

  • Unctuous
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08 May 15 #461021 by Unctuous
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We are all flawed but that is OK.

I consider myself trustworthy but I would still feel very uncomfortable with someone trusting me blindly. A sense of independence, a safety net as it were, is probably a more mentally healthy way to live your life anyway.

  • elizadoolittle
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09 May 15 #461037 by elizadoolittle
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I will never put myself in that position again.

By nature (like most of us) I tend to believe what people say - that is the basis of human communication. But I will never be that stupid again: blind trust. Assumption that people mean what they say and mean well. I would have taken a bullet for that man and assumed he would do the same for me. It never occurred to me not to trust him, to be suspicious of him, to think we were anything other than a unit where self interest was concerned.

Don''t get me wrong: I know most people are fundamentally good, kind, altruistic. I see it every day, and live it myself. If someone stumbles, we put out a hand to help instinctively. Even the **** would (if he noticed). But for the first time my eyes have been opened. If a man I lived with, slept beside and had children with could treat me and our children this badly, and I could not see it coming, then clearly my perceptions are faulty.

Less faulty than before: I am more on my guard now, but guards slip and allowances are made. To be on the safe side - NEVER NEVER NEVER.

Luckily I have performed my function of procreation, luckily I have many good friends and family with whom I can enjoy life and have the mental capacity to do so. Without a partner. Without making myself vulnerable. Without giving up my power. And about time too.

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