Hi this is my first post and I'm new to the site so apologies if this is in the wrong place.
Me and my wife (seperated 11 months)attended a mediation
meeting yesterday at which she refused to consider any other options other than what she wanted, utilising tactics from just refusing to consider anything to crying with her head on the table, all in the presence of the mediator. Just to say we didn't get anywhere would be an understatement. She left the meeting before me.
About 20 minutes after I left the meeting she called me distraught and said she couldnt cope and was going to kill herself. I contacted her mother and left it at that , I have heard this before. What changed was she called me again last night about 10pm and said she couldn't cope but couldn't leave the children behind so was taking them with her. I took these threats seriously because of her demeanour and atttitude on the phone and felt I had no other option but to call 999. The police attended and got back to me saying that she was ok and did not intend to harm herself and the children. I have heard this morning they are all well and safe.
My question/problem is where do I go from here, if I'm worried enough to call the Police should I involve Social Services? These are my children who I love dearly but I can't be held to this level of emotional blackmail everytime something doesn't go her way. Should I try and continue with the mediation or just push everything to the
solicitors and court.
Sorry if this is rambling but I'm obviously upset and at my wits ends.
Yes, even if she was just saying it as emotional blackmail, it's a terrible thing to say and no well balanced person would say it. I would
contact social services and consider whether the children could come to live with you.
I feel terribly sorry for your wife, the head down crying is unlikely to be a tactic, more an indication of her despair (been there!)but your priority is your childrens' safety.
On the other hand, it is not uncommon for people to threaten this kind of thing when relationships break down and for them to never really mean it. There are many, many of us here who have had our ex's yell 'mental health problem' at the courts,
CAFCASS and Social Services only to have it get them exactly no where at all. How many times do you see one half of a marriage on here stating that the other half has gone insane? There are an awful lot of us walking the streets who wouldn't be if our exs got their own way....
Nige - do you genuinely believe she is a threat to herself or the children? Has anyone voiced concerns about her mental health to you? Are the children seemingly happy, clean, getting to
school on time? Is the house, as far as you can see, being kept in roughly the same state it was when you were together? Is she going to work when she should? Is there any evidence of her drinking heavily? Do you know if she has seen her GP? Have you spoken to the children's
, preschool, health visitors (depends on their age) and heard anything which worries you? There is a need to recognise that people deal with fear, resentment, distress, stress, upset in different ways. Can you take a step back and look at how you're handling things? Are you being reasonable? Were your demands at
mediation anymore reasonable than hers?
Was it a long marriage? 11 months isn't very long in the big scheme of things. Did you leave her? Anyone else involved? It's not to judge, just simply to say that if this is the case, it could account for some of her apparent desperation and attention seeking behaviour.
I hope someone with good legal advice
see this and advises you. You need to take care in how you proceed as if there is a genuine concern about her mental health, you need to make sure you are taken seriously.
If the children are very young and she is on her own with them she may be finding it all very difficult.
I kicked my ex out a few times before we divorced because he was a violent cheat, but I had him back after him begging to come back, basically because I found it very difficult being on my own with 3 small children. I had no family to help either and to be quite honest I felt why on earth should I be left with the children whilst he is galivanting.
Although my children say now that I should have divorced him earlier, they understand and I have divorced him now when the children are so much older.
She may have alot on her plate and it may have been an unexpected break up. I dont know, but what I do know is that your wife clearly sounds very distressed.
I just wanted to add that I don't see the threats as 'blackmail' as such. I'm afraid that I have been in that very dark place several times where everything all seems too much to deal with and I would like to go to sleep and never wake up - I even recently started to make lists for the people left behind, label old family photos etc. I am under the supervision of my GP and am having counselling and I have tried to tell my husband how I feel which I guess could sound like a threat. He just brushes it off so probably doesn't take it seriously, and I'm not looking after children so I suppose he's not even worried.
We're due to start mediation
soon and I'm not confident that I will not end up in a similar state to your wife - sheer anxiety and panic at being in such a mess, fearful of the future and too scared to articulate arguments in negotiation. Do you know if your wife has talked to her GP?
I personally would try to perservere with mediation and I hope that your mediator is skilled enough to deal with the situation.