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He won''t go to mediation.... So whats next??

  • Fiona
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5 years 5 months ago #454678 by Fiona
What is more important, booking your weekend away without the children or keeping them out of the conflict?

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  • Starlett
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5 years 5 months ago #454680 by Starlett
Keeping them out of the conflict obviously, but he shows my son''s any messages so puts them in the middle of the conflict. I am in a no win situation.

I thought going directly to mediation would resolve the situation quicker without having to wait for the courts to process the application.

He just doesn''t see it from anyone else''s point of view.

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  • Unctuous
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5 years 5 months ago #454682 by Unctuous
Is withholding of contact something you have done before to try and get your way?

It sounds like you have both picked up bad habits about how to treat the kids in arguments between yourselves. It is easy to happen and it doesn''t make anyone a monster.

Your gut reaction to go to mediation shows that you want things to change so maybe approach him from the angle of "I''m worried we are involving the kids in our problems. Can we talk about things in an atmosphere that doesn''t put pressure on them?"

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  • MrsMathsisfun
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5 years 5 months ago #454683 by MrsMathsisfun
Replied by MrsMathsisfun on topic Re:He won''t go to mediation.... So whats next??
Stopping contact isnt going to reduce conflict its going to inflate the situation. Stopping contact is about you being control and only seeing things from your point of view and is definitely not in the interest of the children.

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5 years 5 months ago #454685 by Starlett
This divorce has been a harrowing experience for all involved, and to be honest after 6 years I though it would get easier to negotiate with him but I was wrong.

Due to the disparity in earnings I came out of the divorce with alot of assets and he came out with nothing but hatred and venom, considering this divorce was due to his infidelity he is very bitter and twisted towards me.

Everything has to go through his new wife and the children told me last month that she had said to him, in front of them, that he was not to have the children mid week anymore as it upsets her children, low and behold he tried dropping any mid week overnight contact . If he stuck to weekends only he would only have them every 4-5 weeks.

We cannot talk face to face as he doesn''t listen and acts as if he has somewhere better to be rather than talk about our children, their schooling or anything else to do with them.

Our eldest had a brace fitted last week, he refused to take my call regarding it so all the details had to be sent via text.

Even now he feels he shouldn''t be paying as much as he does for the children even though he earns 5 times more than me.

During an interview with a cafcass officer back in 2009 mediation was suggested and his reply was "she is the only one that needs mediation" and even now he is under the impression that although the children are still at school , I have no right to know what annual leave he has booked, so I will just have to get my crystal ball out to see if I can work out when he is off and expecting to have the children.

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5 years 5 months ago #454686 by Starlett
MrsMathsisfun wrote:

Stopping contact isnt going to reduce conflict its going to inflate the situation. Stopping contact is about you being control and only seeing things from your point of view and is definitely not in the interest of the children.


It has nothing to do with control. The children quite frequently go for weeks without seeing him due to his shifts, so nothing new if they don''t see him for a couple of weeks while this is resolved.

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  • Fiona
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5 years 5 months ago #454690 by Fiona
I can empathise my ex was inconsistent about the children staying with him and rarely turned up or brought them back on time, would leave them on the doorstep if I was out and sometimes didn''t turn up at all. However mediation is voluntary and you can''t force someone to engage. Neither can you force them to have contact against their wishes. Unfortunately stopping contact and/or going to court tends to leave parents feeling resentful. That leads to a vicious downward spiral of provocation and retaliation and the detrimental effects on the emotional wellbeing of children are well documented.

Your ex isn''t going to do what you want and it really is a case of developing strategies to protect the children as much as possible from the fallout of the divorce. If he works shifts and doesn''t know the rota it isn''t reasonable to expect him to commit a long time in advance. The way round that is to make contingency plans rather than rely on your ex.

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