Husband is using kids to get me to stay

Hi - it is a very long story. The long and short of it is, for various reasons including prolonged anger issues, unemployment and so on... I came to the conclusion the only way for me to have a happyish life is to separate from H.

We had an initial discussion in Feb, where I was blamed (very personal), and H was very clear that if we separate even for a short time he will not see the kids at all. For that reason we decided to have another go. But there is nothing between us the relationship is very strained. So last weekend I have broached the subject again - and he is absolutely adamant that he will simply disappear. So I agreed to try again. Then two days later - he disappeared for two days - he announced that he cannot take it anymore and intends to move out. Which I supported, but he still refuses to have anything to do with his children - who adore him and are innocents in this game.

I feel now that even if I try and talk, he is simply not getting it. But that is all a side issue. The issue is the children - can he be made to remain in contact with them? Anyone had any experiences of this type of situation? Any advice?

What a vile situation.

If he can say that about his children and mean it do they need him in their life?

I know they are innocents in the situation, my midget is now nearly 5 and her Dad and I separated exactly a year ago. She has adjusted really well. We still have glitches and very differently from your situation she sees him 50% of the time because we share custody.

But you have a life too. What kind of life are your children going to have seeing you unhappy in a marriage that is so obviously flawed? If he really loves them he won't disappear. If he disappears he can't really love them.

Surely this is just blackmail of the most dispicable kind.

I wish you all the strength in the world to get through this one x

PP x

Ok. I just wanted to get my twopenneth in, i know its an old thread but here goes. My wife asked me to leave for the same reasons you want your marriage to end, anger. Thing is, unknown to her i'd already adressed the problem and started seeing a counciler 3 weeks before she gave me "the speech". Im now six weeks into a programe and it has helped me enormously with dealing with the fact that it was'nt her fault, none of it, it was all about me. Im not gonna say this is gonna save my marriage, i wish and hope, but i really think its to little to late. Having the same issues as your H i can honestly say i to have felt like just dissapearing and not seeing my son as it hurts so much to watch them both getting on with life without me, but i wont do it because, A. I love them both so much, and B. I'd rather have her in my life as my freind than not at all.

Has your stbx actually sought help for his problem, and if he addressed it, and you saw a change, a permanent one would it make you reconsider? If the answer is no to the above im afraid its time to close the door, stop allowing him to manipulate you this way and go your seperate ways. If he wants to simply dissapear let him, kids are amazingly adjustable and resiliant and its unacceptable to use them as a weapon.

To cut it short, if he wants to miss out on so much of his loved ones lives and wont get the help he obviously needs, let him, it'll be his loss eventually. I speak from personal experiance as i did'nt see my father for 16 years, and he died shortly after that. I never even cried as he was a stranger to me.

Good luck, and take good care

M x

It sounds to me that he's using emotional blackmail. Do you honestly think that he will disappear forever and not see his kids again? It's more likely just an empty threat to make you stay with him. I expect he'll go off for a few days, maybe even a few weeks, but I'm sure once he's calmed down he will be part of the children's lifes again.

My ex has made all sorts of threats from having me sectioned to taking the kids away from me. His latest one is that he wants their cots back because his parents paid for one of them . It's just ridiculous, but I know he's always been one to run off at the mouth so I just let it go over my head and he calms down eventually. We split up about 9 weeks ago and he still doesn't seem to have accepted it. I found out that he was on-line dating and despite the fact that I have his profile printed off from 3 different websites, he still denies eveyrthing. It took him about a month to come up with the story that he'd been set up. It's just ridiculous.

With regard to your situation, I don't think you can stay with you husband by the sound of what you've said. If you've had enough and your mind's made up, then the decision has been made in your heart and your head and you have to act on it. You can't spend the rest of your life with someone you don't want to be with. It will do you and your children no good. If you are truly satisfied in your own mind that it is over, then tell him and you'll just have to wait and see what happens.

If he chooses to remove himself from his children's lives then that's his decision. All you need to know is that you didn't stop him seeing the kids so that they can't turn around in 10 years time and ask why you didn't let them see their father. As long as the door is always open for him you've got nothing to feel guilty about.

Hi
Children need a positive role. If a father is not capable of that he will always be a father and never a dad. Children know what they would like from a dad even from a very young age trust and believe in them. If he messes up its so not your fault. Dont make up for his inadequacies concentrate on being the best mum you can.