The Wicked wife,the MH and financial ruin

Im new on here but I have taken quite a lot of comfort knowing many are in the same boat as me. Im the girlfriend of a man divorcing. He had an affair with me after trying to leave for years, but always going back for the kids. The wife found out and told all 3 children. We tried to keep our rekindled relationship a secret after he left but she found out and we confirmed it out of respect and the want for her to be able to move on. This was the biggest mistake ever. Since telling her she constantly drags the children into it and told them he chose me over them. She makes visitation impossible or on her terms so that he essentially has to date his kids as they refuse to come to his (no we do not live together). She wants 100% equity in the house plus 80% of his salary. She waited for the last possible day to counter his divorce petition- which she did, and then refused to put the house on the market (worth 640K- 330K still owed). She cant afford the bills even with his struggling to pay the mortgage and child support plus his rent.

She wont mediate and insists on the courts diving out the assets... which there are none really. He works for a bailed out bank so pension is worth nil and all their equity is the house.

So my question is- What happens once equity of the MH is decided with the rehousing. What if she wants an expensive house will he have to fork out more? Or is a 4 bed house a 4 bed house? The equity she gets will not enable to buy a home they are "accustomed to" but what does that actually mean? Is a nice small 4 bedroom at 300K reasonable or does she need the massive one at 340 at her ex's expense? And is there any cosideration to the fact her reluctance to sell is JUST to ruin him? She cant affor the bills on the house nor can she buy him out.

Sorry was the affair not wicked too?

I think you'll find it was.

Welcome to Wikivorce.

Ruby is right, you do need to post far more specific details on your partners finances for anyone here to give you a view on likely settlement. If she has custody of dependent children and earns less than him, then it is likely she will be awarded a greater share of the marital assets, but this can only be us letting you know a typical scenario, for specifics more details will be required.

The behaviour of your boyfriends soon to be ex wife indicates she is still very hurt by your boyfriends actions in ending the marriage. I am not saying that this hurt justifies her bringing the children into her battle, however it does indicate to me that perhaps she did not have the same perception that her marriage was over for years before her husband left.

I am saying this only to give some perspective on why she might be exhibiting this behaviour. Even if a marriage is struggling, betrayal and lies are a very difficult thing to come to terms with. Anger can be a very common reaction and it may take her some time to come to terms with her marriage breakdown.

My husband had affairs and told the OW that the marriage had been over for some time. In my case, that simply was not true. I think that seeing things from the wives perspective might perhaps assist you to see that it is not simply a case of her getting over it and moving on. It takes months and years sometimes for people to overcome the hurt, shock and betrayal

Affairs can and do leave a shocking trail of devastation sometimes which is tough for all parties involved.

My husband would describe me as a wicked wife probably Whatever I did or did not do in the marriage, I did nothing to deserve being lied to or cheated on. Hey but that's me. I am not claiming my experience to be universally true. I write these words in the hope, that it just might help you gain some insight that it may be some time before the stbx wife moves on in the way you might hope for.

I speak as someone who has truly moved on and is much happier without her husband. I still remember the pain and the long journey to get there. But most of us wicked wives do eventually......

Ps - I did not do the whole angry, contest the divorce thing. I had wikivorce peeps to support me through all that and I cut contact with my stbx very quickly. Give it time, if this has all happened in recent months she will be all over the place.

whilst the ex wife isn't behaving very well as regards to the children, you need to understand the hurt and distress that she is going through at the moment. To suggest she is 'wicked' when you are happy to shout about having had an affair is something which many of us here will find unpalatable. Things will probably settle given a bit of time.

Has your partner tried mediation with his ex? Failing that, discussing at length with a solicitor his options regarding the children? It is highly unlikely she will get either all the equity or such a high percentage of your partner's salary in front of a judge and with three children, I would suggest 3 beds are sufficient. There is also a world of difference in cost between a mid-terrace property in OK-ish area and a 3 bed detached in a wonderful area. What your partner needs to look at, with his ex, is how they keep a roof over their children's heads and make sure that they are appropriately cared for into the future. This will mean sacrifice on both sides - she will need to accept that unless she is a higher earner and can manage the mortgage, she is likely to need to downsize either the house or her standard of living, probably both. Equally, your partner needs to be wary of total abandonment of his responsibilities towards his children (something many of us with exs who had affairs can relate to) and consequently giving his ex wife all the ammunition she needs.....if you want a better idea of what might happen in front of a judge, have a look on the Ancillary Relief board and post the required information there as you will get lots of good advice there.

New partners posting is a pet hate of mine (sorry!). It is often over-involvement of a new partner in matters that need to be between husband and wife/parents of the children concerned which can lead to months/years of anguish and unnecessary acrimony. Seriously consider your position, where you stand and how you conduct yourself. Your role should be to support your partner in his decisions and managing his relationship with his children, not directing it or getting involved in things which aren't your 'fight'.

I think the above posters have been very kind to you. Consideration needs to be given to the appropriate housing of the children and what is in their best interest. For example, sufficient room, suitable schooling, their mother's support system. A single parent with 3 children has her work cut out for her.

As a wicked wife myself with 3 children and who is being taken to court to force the sale of our family home, I would suggest that you be careful of apportioning all blame to your lover's wife. My children refuse to see their father and I am repeatedly accused of poisoning the children against him. Some men are incapable of seeing that their deceitful behaviour and selfish actions have repercussions and seek to blame the ex spouse for children's reluctance to see their father. Like mum, new partners posting on here (especially those who contributed directly to the break up of the lover's marriage) is also a pet hate of mine. Your role is to behave with as much dignity as you can, given what you have done. Take a step back and let things run their course.

Binky. Hell hath no fury like a women scorned or spurned? This is what it sounds like. I am not going to ***** you off. There is no point in this at all. But as for involving the kids, plenty do this. Its not unusual. Will it have long term effects? I dont know. But what I do know is that often rubishing dad to the kids backfires.

Anger is very common in divorce. So is fear. And anger mixed with fear is a very heady mix. I suspect this is what is going on here.

But will she get what she wants? I doubt it. No one gets everything they want out of divorce. Its usually a compromise because there isnt enough to go round. The idea is that assets are divided up by some negotiated formula that is decided at the time and that involved many factors. Including the non existant pension.

There are a number of things you could do. You could step back out of his life for a while to allow him to get on with his divorce. Its never good to have 3 people in a marriage. I know this becuase my ex had an affair and when we were divorcing it felt like I was up against a team. All against me. And that drove me into a corner. Not a nice place to be. So perhaps a backwards step right now may be the best thing. It will hopefully take some of the sting out of it. He will still be there when all the dust has settled and you can start again.

Another thing, would not to get involved in there divorce. As I said before, being on the recieving end of a team action is not nice. And just ups the fear.

Lastly, and this is not having a pop at you, its just the way it is. Getting divorced is tough enough as it is. But the perception that someone (you) has taken all that she had away from her and she has to live in a smaller home and not be able to afford it, must upset her. And thats putting it mildly. How would you feel if all that you had was taken away? Even if this is not true. Its perception. And perception a lot of the time is all. C.