Irrational, lost and left completely in the dark.

I got married 2.5 years ago to someone i deeply cared about and gained a stepdaughter whice was awesome.

We recently moved home as part of a new job that she had landed, we discussed the move and although slightly reluctant the deal looked too good to be true.

Turns out it was, the agreement was a years free accommodation with an option to buy (at a pittance in comparison to its value) the residence after a year.

4 months in things went south and the owners business went under, we got served a notice to evacuate and my wife was forced into unemployment.

I was asked to move back into my parents place for a few weeks till we found another place to stay and she would move in with her's, this seemed reasonable enough. a few weeks searching around and we could get a crumby flat till things stabilized.

I moved out and my wife and stepdaughter stayed, i asked what was going on and she told me the bank was "holding off" and that they had been given a period of grace.
She then mentioned that she wanted "Time apart" and that i should stay at my parents regardless.

She was under a lot of pressure so i reluctantly agreed, we've never really argued, never been through anything like this, so i left with some clothes and figured that we would be in contact regularly.

she told me to arrange a date and i went through the process of setting one up, she cancelled.
A week later the same story.
We found a place that would suit but she was too busy to view it.
To not put too fine a point on it, i bust my hump making an effort and bending over backwards only to be kicked in the teeth at every turn.

The month passed and she was evicted, made unemployed and went to stay at her brothers. or so i thought.

It turned out she had got her own place, packed up all the property and moved in. she totaly avoided my calls to her mobile (the only point of contact left) and when i sent her a text stating, we need to talk, "can you get in contact or do i need to show up at your new home" she phoned me right back.

I told her we really needed a discussion, and told her to pick the time and the place, knowing if i made any sort of disicion she would be "too busy."

We met up 2 weeks ago and she told me she wanted "a divorce" that was it, no explination. no reason. nothing.
When i asked to talk, she told me that she didnt want to.
"theres nothing to say."

So now ive pretty much lost everything, my family, my home, all my personal property, all my paperwork (birth certs, passports, car documents etc.)

I have no idea where her new house is, communication has completely broken down, and i have absoloutly no idea what happened.
Ive never been divorced.
I find myself sitting, alone, horribly angry, bitter and cynical at everything. unable to find solace in anything.
Completely out of charicter for me, ive never felt violent towards anything and ive never felt so disgusted in my life.
I always figured going through something like this would make me feel suicidal but strangely enough thats the furthest thing from my mind.

The only thing i can equate this experience to is losing everything in a horrible explosion and getting to see the ghosts of your family wandering around constantly.
How do you even begin to grieve and move on when it gets flaunted in your face on a daily basis?

On our last communication, she said she had no job, wasnt even looking, refused to claim for any unemployment benifit and when asked how she would pay the rent and feed our daughter she stated she had no idea.
Anyone have any advice?

PS: i appologise for the lengthy post.

Blimey thats tough, sorry to hear your plight, I can understand the explosion thing, you must be completely shell shocked.

You say you don't know where she is, but you can trace people fairly easily with a bit of information. If nothing else she owes you some sort of explanation. Do you think she stil has your personal stuff.

Not sure where you stand i'm no expert but is there anything to claim, money, car anything that would help. If you think she cant afford to get a place it begs the question where she is finding the money from. Call me a cynic but there's often someone else involved.

People can be so cruel in this situation as i've found out and we all deserve better.

What information do you have on her car reg, e=mail, mobile phone, all can help trace her.

I'd keep trying to contact her but watch out for the old harassment charge which my stbx uses, make sure you don't put anything in print or on a message you wouldnt want people to see otherwise she'll play the police card.

Keep going.

Good luck.

J

Hi,

What a terrible situation for you and as I went through a bitter divorce myself some years ago I can totally understand your feelings of anger and bitterness, well all of it really.

It would seem to me that your ex has never been truthful about anything in her life and when she tells you she does not know how she is going to feed your daughter it seems to me she probably does have a good idea but is saying it as a way of constantly upsetting you. What a sad person she must be.

I agree with ghosthunter. You have a right to know your daughter is being properly cared for, a right to access etc and if you have joint possessions etc you must surely have a right to some of this. I would advise that you go to a solicitor, find out your rights and take it from there. To be treated like this is appalling, to allow her to get away with it would be far worse.

Keep going. Without sounding cliched, there is light at the end of this horrendous tunnel. I am living proof.

I was led to believe (via familly and friends) that i had no access rights to the child as shes my step daughter.

She doesnt have a car, her new telephone no is XD, her mobile is unreachable, she doesnt drive either.

The only avenues i have to track her down are shady at best presently, and im looking to avoid any criminal action that will land me in an even bigger mess. Especialy when i have no real idea where my head is at and no idea what i would do if i found the address, id like to think i could control myself but the way ive been feeling and acting lately i couldnt state it with certainty. not something im remotely proud of

Im hoping that by the time school starts back i should have brought my mood back under control, then i can follow my ex-step-daughter? home.

As for property, she says she doesnt have anything belonging to me (i was focusing purely on my documents, and a couple of hard drives with a stack of my backup source code and project files on em: ie my lifes work)

She's been divorced previously, twice from my stepdaughters father and he put her through a nightmare of a time, im kinda looking to avoid going down the same path.

Property, money and the likes i have no real interest in, its something ive never focused on. Money is easy enough to make with a little hard work. I figure as long as my stepdaughter is ok then screw everything else, none of this is her fault and to make her suffer because we bicker over how to halve a couch seems cruel and pointless.

They can have the lot, i could do without the constant reminders of how things went pear shaped.

All im really after is some kind of explination as to what the hell happened, some kind of closure and finality. not knowing i feel will make me sceptical about even attempting a relationship in the future. I really dont want history to repeat itself.

Firstly Im really sorry to hear about your story.

Im going through the emotional turmoil right now myself, and have posted the topic ahead of this one, which no one yet has replied too.

My circumstances are similar, wife suddenly started coming home late, not answering my calls, in the end i asked her to move out because i knew she was seeing someone else.

Its the old part wants her back, part knows Im better off without her.

Listening to the latter more now though!

Well, all I can say is that your other half has behaved totally unfairly to you. I know this might not seem fair for me to suggest it, but I think she either met someone else, or went back to her ex. Or is being stringed along by her ex.

At the end of day, youve got to realise that none of this is important. Its hard to accept that, because you want and need answers, but the truth is, probably those answers arent gonna help your mental state, and in the end youre better of not knowing the answers.

In my position, my wife also moved to a new address, didnt tell me where, hasnt contacted me, or couldnt care less if I had hung myself.

This instilled a strength in me, because if someone truly cared about me, they would not behave in this completely gross way.

Its hard for you, and its hard for me, but right now, youve just got to focus on getting through it.

Look at these suggestions.

If she came back, would you truly be able to forgive and be happy again with the way she treated you?

My answer NO!

Will it serve any purpose tracking her down, she obviously doesnt want you to do that.

My answer NO!

Even if you found her, knowing that she met someone else, and trying to get any truth out of her which wouldnt be possible, is it gonna help you?

My answer NO!

My position is now, I have written an email to my wife, and told her I want the divorce sorted asap, I dont contact her, and my daily theory is take one step at a time, and look to the future, and no matter what happens NEVER GO BACK!

My mind goes up and down, im human after all, I want to know the answers, and Ive got a heap of anger I want to release, but doing anything irrational is just gonna come back to you. Its not worth it.

Me and you will find the ideal women, so lets keep positive!

Time helps!

Good luck!

regardingt eh stepdaughter, your wife knows your relationship with the girl is very important to you. I hate it when women stifle relationships from continuing because of their own wants and needs.

Im sure you will have some legal rights to the see the girl, and if you can stomach the fact youre other half might be seeing someone else, then you should of course keep the link and relationship with the daughter.

If your wife starts playing the stepdaughter as a emotinal pawn, to ascertain money or to override your feelings with her own, then be careful.

When the girl grows up, your relationship will be not as confined to the the mothers whims, so try to focus on that, when you are going through it with worry about how your stepdaughter is getting along.

I hope that relationship survives, but if you do move on, try and find someone who accepts and understands your emotional tie to your stepdaughter, because if you dont, the wheels will come off sooner or later. Things can become very complicated.

Saw someone wearing a T-shirt in work today: "Women are like parking spots. They're whores and liars."

I laughed so hard i had to be escorted through the back by a coworker. First time i've laughed in 2 months and boy did it make itself known.

I met my stepdaughter with her friends, they all pointed and laughed. which whilst harsh was disconcertingly comforting. My stepdaughter could'nt care less by the looks of things. She's clearly been told a yarn or two by the stbx.
Aside from that I've been completely cut off from any kind of contact: No contact from any solicitors, anything from inlaws and her friends.
Absoloutly no prospect of getting in touch any time soon and no way to track her down without seeming like a deranged stalker, stalking seems too much like hard work and i dont think nightvision goggles would suit.

It looks like im facing five in purgatory to apply in her absence at this point.

The homicidal tendancies seem to have subsided, ive taken to writing a book in the vein of American Psycho as an outlet to stem the madness.I figure writing about it seems better than winding up getting prison-sexed for acting out on my newfound dark side.
Nights are still long and sleepless but that just gives me more time to work on software design projects.

Just a quick question, if i was to build up an empire to rival that of Donald Trump (hey you can dream right?) between now and the decree absolout, would she having taken it upon herself to vanish into the ether still be entitled to half?
Do i need to sit in squalour for the duration or can i actualy begin to forge a new life without fear of yet more being wrenched from me?