Mediation - What is fair and reasonable

The information Cookie asked for is all there but it''s difficult to advise if the arrangements for children hasn''t been decided. Children are the priority and if they are to live with one parent the majority of the time that parent will require a more substantial house than the other parent having them to stay for contact. On the other hand if care is to be shared equally 50:50 both parents will require a similar property.

A good starting point is to research local house prices and each spouse''s mortgage raising capabilities. Everything else being equal if your wife earns more she can raise a larger mortgage and you would "need" a larger share of capital to leave you in the same position.

Many mediators actually prefer to start with a blank sheet and work through the finances rather than the spouses having preconceived ideas, so that there is the opportunity to make an agreement that can work for everyone in that particular family.

Still live together in family home but do most things separately.

Situation came to a head on discovery of affair, two and half years back. Struggled on since then.

Not stupid, but do feel vunerable because of respective career outlooks and financial positions. I will always try to find agreement where possible. She probably thinks I''m a soft touch.

Hope mediation can resolve the issues, or at least some of them, but I won''t be steamrollered. A sensible outcome for all is what''s needed. Two happy homes for each of us and the children. Just need advice on sensible mediation proposals and what I should expect.

I would just say that don''t be steamrollered into being a 50/50 career when you have put your career on a backfoot.

Any idea who the OM is and his circumstance?

A 2 1/2 year affair is pretty well established, time for a "softly softly" approach I think.

It''s best to try and approach it on a ''Needs'' basis. So try to work out if the equity in the FMH is enough to provide a suitable home for each of you. The priority is always that of the children and the person who is the primary carer. Could your wife afford to take on the mortgage and let you have enough from the equity as a deposit for your own place? Is the FMH too big for her requirements? It should be expected that your housing needs are comparable as you will each need bedrooms for the children. What mortgage can you raise on your current income.

The mediator will look at the total financial position including earning capacity and pensions etc. and then what you each ''need''. We were asked to do a monthly expenses schedule of ''before'' and ''after'' which was really helpful.

Good luck with it all.

Action wrote:

It''s best to try and approach it on a ''Needs'' basis. So try to work out if the equity in the FMH is enough to provide a suitable home for each of you. The priority is always that of the children and the person who is the primary carer. Could your wife afford to take on the mortgage and let you have enough from the equity as a deposit for your own place? Is the FMH too big for her requirements? It should be expected that your housing needs are comparable as you will each need bedrooms for the children. What mortgage can you raise on your current income.

The mediator will look at the total financial position including earning capacity and pensions etc. and then what you each ''need''. We were asked to do a monthly expenses schedule of ''before'' and ''after'' which was really helpful.

Good luck with it all.

Cheers for this. It makes sense. Better start working out what my ''needs'' are. Thanks

I do agree with Action to work out what your needs are. I would mention at this point in time that my ex stated that his "needs" were for a huge sum of cash to accomodate him permanently, stating that his "needs" for accomodation (which were false as he was already living with OW and I found a love letter to her in the bin - a draft - stating that he was going to spend the rest of his life with her) was for huge sums of cash.


He also stated that he wanted space for the three children to be with him regularly when in fact he was very abusive to all three physically and in the six months of separation kept failing to even see them.

As I say, mediation is the way forward - especially for you and your wife to have time. At the same time if she makes disclsoures which are not financial offers to settle do not be so foolish as to think that these are not admissible if this has to go to court.

I hope for your sake, her sake and that of your children it does not get to that.