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ex living abroad wants more money

  • dissapointed dad
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30 Aug 12 #352890 by dissapointed dad
Topic started by dissapointed dad
hi all

I haven''t been here for a long time (got excellent advice previously - thanks!!)

to cut a long story short - had a Clean Break divorce (I pay CM and 1 child''s school fees, ex pays for other school fees)

Ex has emigrated to Cape Town (with my consent) with the kids :(and has shacked up with new BF - he isn''t a wealthy guy and now the birds are coming home to roost!!!!

I pay CM and schooling for son, medical aid (never in Consent Order) and for kids school clothes etc. The CSA does not have jurisdiction in this case and we agreed an amount for the CM............now she wants me to pay for daughters schooling (both private), because it seems that her ''idea'' to live in CT has turned out more expensive than she thought.....

this is what she wrote to me..........

I''ve been putting this email off for ages and I just can''t any longer.

I''ve had months of being hassled by S (new BF), I (his brother), M (her cousin), M (other cousin) -
every-bloody-one to get a lawyer involved to get you to pay daughter''s
fees and more child maintenance (as it is still the same sum as when
it was set three years ago). I value our good relationship too much to
risk that over a couple of hundred pounds.

We are having to reduce BF''s maintenance to his ex - which was
ridiculous - the woman absolutely skinned him alive - 2 houses (paid
off), new car, full medical aid for all three of them, all fees and
all clothes, trips, four musical instruments and R7,000 per month!
Obviously she is spitting blood anfd getting her lawyer to go through
our finances.

The only way I can see that I can stop this endless nagginging about
taking you to court is for you to pay C''s fees (currently GBP300 per
month - obviously less if you pay termly) and give me less child
maintenance. You work out how much you can afford. I honestly need
about GBP300 a month to feed and clothe the kids not including medical
aid. I think the child support agency worked on 20% of take home
income after school fees and mortgage was taken out. They dont have to
have musical instrument lessons or pottery or swimming but they do
need to go to a great school. They are doing so well - son got 87%
on his French cycle test and 74% on this maths! I think the school is
perfect for the children.

I know this is a horrid email to receive, trust me its horrid to have
to write it. I really do value our realtionship greatly. The fact that
after three years we can have a laugh together and have open
discussions is very precious to me.

Do of course take into account that I am still paying you back for C''s
school depost of GBP50 per month until Jan.


.....soooooooo, because BF is suffering (he''s an estate agent, ex doesn''t work) they want me to cough up more.

this is outrageous!!!!! - in other words, I am being made to pay for their irresponsibility, and de facto, for her BF!!!!

sorry about the long post, but ex and kids coming over end of September and I need to get my arguement (in short I cannot afford this as I now have to pay circa £2500 every time I want to go see my kids)

thoughts please



  • MrsMathsisfun
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30 Aug 12 #352897 by MrsMathsisfun
Reply from MrsMathsisfun
If you cant afford to pay more then you just politely reply sorry would love to help out but cant.

Is there any difference in the amount you pay and the amount the csa would expect you to pay if she was in this country?

Think she needs to examine her relationship with the bf!

  • dissapointed dad
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30 Aug 12 #352899 by dissapointed dad
Reply from dissapointed dad

thanks for the reply - in effect I am voluntarily paying 20% of my net salary (as CSA calculation in the UK)

I try to see the kids every 4 months or so, which as previously posted costs a lot ( £900 airfare, £500 self catering rental, £250 car rental and spending money)

My kids'' education is important - so they are at the best co-ed school in CT (costs a fraction of private education here in the UK)

yup..............agree, the relationship is pretty much doomed to failure (see my previous posts) - ex was a mulberry, rolex and 4x4 girl - not forgetting jimmy choos - and now has f all

what galls me is that it seems obvious that her ''bf and friends'' have no idea of the terms of the clean break and consent order (naturally)


  • Justaparent
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30 Aug 12 #352903 by Justaparent
Reply from Justaparent
You''re being taken for a mug. You''re handling this better than I would.

If you can''t afford it you can''t afford it. Ask your ex to get a job?

Can you sell a kidney or something?

  • jslgb
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30 Aug 12 #352908 by jslgb
Reply from jslgb
I agree your covering your obligations. In effect, if the CSA had jurisdiction you could apply for them to vary CM based on transport costs i believe which given the great expense its costs for you to see your children would vastly reduce CM.

Does your ex ever bring the children to see you?

Unfortunately i think it is down to her to sort her finances out herself. If both your children are in education what is stopping her finding a part time job?

I would respond saying that you understand it was a difficult email for her to write and you dont want the relationship to turn sour either but given the increased cost of contact now she has left the uk you cannot afford to increase your financial contributions and that they are in line with what the CSA would expect you to pay if they had jurisdiction.

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