Being too nice

Hi Stillshining

I was shocked to read (well my understanding) that co dependency is a form of control in itself.

One very wise wiki has often told me that her counsellor has said that certain types of people can assess their future partner within minutes which, when I first heard this was amazed by. But I suppose it makes a lot of sense - re the going in for the kill etc. but they have found a willing "victim". Suppose it is like some basic animal instinct. Scary stuff. If anything good has come out of this dreadful experience for me it is realising my own weaknesses and becoming stronger. Don''t think we can be too hard on ourselves though as we are all a product of our upbringing etc etc Better to learn later in life than never :)Teflon coating for me from now on

I also rejected initially the idea that ''being nice'' was a form of control. Finally I get it. Stillshining you said it yourself in your post - you are nice so that people will like you, take care of you etc.

I have read quite a bit around the subject and it is said that a child prefers to think (e.g.) that their parent is cross with them because they have been naughty than that their parent is just nasty or irrational. If it is the former, then the child can stop them being nasty in future by being good, kind, polite, not making a fuss or whatever. It is said that children do this because after all they cannot leave the situation. And therefore as adults we rarely leave. Instead we stay and try to smooth things over, keep the peace, and generally bend over backwards to paper over the cracks.

And the question is: why? We get these ideas (''I mustn''t make a fuss'' etc) and we don''t really follow through with ''or else what?''. Or else x won''t like me.

It''s madness, but a lot of us do it in a flawed attempt to keep things sweet. And that is a way of trying to exert control. Even if and especially if we think we are worthless, unloveable etc in our own right and even if we express anger or neediness.