Bereavement

I have a friend I have know for 30 years coming to visit me tomorrow. She is 47 years old. Her husband died three months ago after treatment for a brain tumour that didn't save him, he was 49 years old. We have always kept in touch but do not see each other very often.

I am feeling very anxious about seeing her, I have great difficulty coping with bereavement, I have lost both my parents now and it was such a difficult time for me.

I do not feel emotionally strong at the moment but I know she needs my support and I will do my best to be there for her. I don't understand why I can offer advice and help to people on wiki but find it so difficult to help a dear friend when she needs me most.


Poppie x

I can relate to what you are saying and I can imagine by seeing your friend you are so scared this will open up the wounds and pain of losing your parents, that’s understandable. But until you see her you won’t know what support she will need. Maybe all her close female friends are in relationships and she is taking the first steps to stay in touch with single friends to help her rebuild her shattered life. Maybe she needs more emotional support, and then you have to tell her how you are feeling at the moment and be honest with her. You give such sound advice I am sure you can point her in the direction of the internet and show her how to find support groups. Your friend may even be able to support you, why not make a weekly phone call to keep in touch, have a moan, have a laugh or exchange some personal news, a friend you have known for 30yrs is a rare thing.

I am supporting a friend of mine who is going through an acrimonious divorce whilst recovering from cancer, all she wants from me is to listen, I can do that, and the joy and pleasure I get from seeing her move on through her life is priceless. She remains so positive about life and being alive, it makes my problems pale into insignificance, so she is helping me as well.

Don’t be anxious; let me know how it goes.

Harrietbaby

hi poppie

i feel that sometimes people who have lost someone close to them feel that others dont talk about their loss.

people seem to shy away from death...its a very emotive subject of course and i guess that those around the people who have lost never know what to say..

but then the people who have lost feel the need to talk about it sometimes ?

you are there for your friend, you will find the strength because thats whats being a friend is all about..

and poppie i think you'd make a great friend...

take care, you will be fine...but it would be good to know how you dealt with it...

take care hun

Daisy
xxx

Agree with Daisy on this.

Death is still almost a,Taboo subject, what do you say to someone who has lost someone close to them?

Unfortunately I have had to deal with this quite a few times and the answer I would give is

Be a friend, Don't be scared, ask questions, let them cry, let yourself cry and always be there for them.

That's what a friend is all about.

Take care

Phoenix1

Hi Poppie

The most important thing is to follow her lead.

If she wants to talk let her - let her ramble on and on not matter how much she is crying, no matter how many boxes of hankys she gets through - one of the things I found hard is that people try to distract you and stop you talking because they can see you are upset, which to be honest is the worse thing.

Conversely, if she doesnt want to talk and just wants to be with you let her.

Like I say - follow her lead. She won't even know if she is going to have a good day or a bad day until she wakes up that morning, so it would be difficult to tell you how to deal with her.

Amanda

Hi Poppie

I lost my first husband so sadly have first hand knowledge of the emotions that follow the death of a spouse. My oldest friend of 30 years used to come and visit and she was a tremendous comfort to me.

People shy away from talking about the person who has gone because they don't want to upset you, to remember their loved one. Whereas the bereaved person wants to talk about them. When my friend came to visit it was never a totally sad occasion, we did have good times too.

The nicest thing anybody said to me during that time was at the end of a dinner party. The host said " Well it's a shame Brian wasn't here tonight, how he would have enjoyed it "

All the other replies have hit the nail on the head, take your lead from her. After so many years friendship you must know each other very well and I am sure you will be able to comfort her.

You're such a nice person anyway just being with you will be a tonic for her.

And remember you are going through a form of bereavement yourself so it could be beneficial for you too.

all the best


XXX Fleur XXX

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. I have just spoken on the phone to my friend to confirm details and she is now visiting on Sunday.

We chatted for over an hour which was lovely, she described so many feelings that I have had myself over the last 15 months. I know our circumstances are different but the loss we both feel is so similar. I feel so much better for chatting with her openly and she felt the same.

I am now looking forward to spending Sunday with her and have no worries about seeing her.

Thank you all again.


Poppie xx