sorrow and heartache

First of all, I have to say that I am not going to offend anyone or any comments.

When people talking about "Karma", why they say
"He/she has done bad things so it should come around to him somehitng bad as Karma"
or
"I have done good things (ie : help his/her family etc) but I can not get anything good luck"

As long as you expect anything because of karma, it is not "karma" any more.

You help anyone for "unconditonal", not expect anything.
You loved them or you wanted to help them at that time...that's enough reason to help them... not expect "because I did help them" etc...
Helping people or family or anyone is always "unconditional".
Otherwise, it is "business".

If you expected any bad things as refer his/her misbehaviour (ie: adultery ), of course i know it is awful feeling if husband/wife has done it behind your back... but you can not "expect" bad luck to him/her as "karma"..it is just "resentment", not "karma".
Just let him/her go... it is not your business any more.
Again, it is easy to say and difficult to accept...(because i was so hurting and crying for ages when I found out my ex's mis-behaviour...)

Of course "karma" is "fruit of action" but as long as you expect bad luck for someone, it is against Buddism thoughts as karma and also when you want to help someone, it is always "unconditional".

It doesn't matter you believe it ot not.
The main thing is...just giving "unconditional love".

That's I have been taught by prists at Buddhism temple.

Well explained Moca, to many see Karma as revenge.

You are so right that we should live our lives as best we can and wishing harm to others will not bring us happiness, a typical western interpretation of a Eastern cultures many thousands of years older than ours.
I think some one , some where, explained karma as the western saying " what goes round, comes round", and as you have explained its not quite as simple as that.

'You will never find your path to enlightenment while you have hate and the desire for revenge in your heart'.

GeJay XX

I agree as well. It was hard but now I realise that holding on to hate or anger or wishing something horrible to happen to my ex, is a waste of my time and my emotions - and to be honest, he does not deserve them.

I hope he is happy in his life and he achieves his dreams...

and that i found is soooo liberating!

I absolutely totally agree. I wish my ex all the happiness in the world. I am the happiest I have been since before I married my ex and, therefore, I find it easy to wish him happiness too.

He didn't want a divorce, he just wanted me to know about the bad things he had done to me, because he felt it was right that I should know! I was very unhappy in my marriage at the time of his revelations and was able to divorce him on adultery even though he said the last time was many years ago, as it is the date of knowledge that counts, not the date of the act. So I was extremely lucky and I seriously believe that a 'Higher Force' made this information come out of my ex's mouth, or I would still be in that marriage now.

I am not a good girl so that I don't say "I wish my ex's happiness"but also i don't say "he has to get bad luck".

Just as common sense (as my point of view), in his case, he rised his stupid (sorry) profile on the swinger site for 3 years...The internet system as you know, everyone can search anything.
So without making a wish what happened on him, the sooner or later, his bad-behaviour is revealed to public. He did up his profile on the internet by himself, anyway.
I don't know what comes around on him, but he has put the seeds by himself.
Also his GF, well...she doesn'&t care if he is married or not, just flirting around ..but this situation is the same..as common sence.. these kind of behaviour, how you can make relationship last long?
Without talking about Karma, or not because of karma, you know the result.

Just "unconditional love"...
I did not regret at all .. cooking avery meal for him, ironing, going to holiday in Japan sort out all etc...
because I didn't expect anything back to me, just simply I loved him, that's all.
(therefore I was shocked when I found out his secret..)

Life is short...
At least I was loved by someone else and I loved someone...even it was not long term... but it is precious.

JoannaA wrote:

I was very unhappy in my marriage at the time of his revelations and was able to divorce him on adultery even though he said the last time was many years ago,

Slightly of topic Joanna, but I've often heard that people having affairs often want their spouses to know; (as if there's realy no point in having an illicit affair - if you can't get found out). Just thought I'd mention that; no idea why you needed to know YEARS later.

Hi Sera

Your post made me smile. Yes, I would agree, whats the point in having illicit affairs if you don't get found out - surely that must be part of the fun. Maybe that's why my ex says he had so many - desperately wanting me to find out and cos I didn't he kept having more and more!!!!!!

But, why would I be looking for my husband cheating on me. I married him for love, had 3 children with him and co-parented his son with his ex. He was a police officer so I suppose when he was phoning me saying he was going to be off late, I should have put two and two together, but then I didn't think. I trusted him I suppose and even though he had had a one off that I found out about (even then only because I caught an STI) I believed it was that, just a one off. Only now 20 odd years later when he came out with his revelations it turns out that this 'one off' started whilst I was pregnant - therefore, a year into our marriage and continued until I caught the STI, well afterwards actually, because I put my problems down below to stitches following the birth of my daughter, bubble bath etc. Never ever would i have thought he would have cheated on me. Even got stuff for thrush, which I had never had before and never had again. It was only when I could barely walk and went to the GP who suggested that maybe I had an STI did investigations take place and confirmed.

I was 30, so hardly young, why on earth did I stay with him, why on earth was I so naive. Anyway, the past is the past and I can't change it.

As regards the other affairs he has apparently had - can't prove any of them, because he reckons one was with my best friend at the time (she says he was vile and did once try to have sex with her when he gave her a lift home following a night out with me prior to my wedding to him, but she vomited all over him which stopped him. I asked her why she didn't tell me and she said it was because we were about to get married and she didn't expect me to believe her. With hindsight she reckons she should have done. Another affair he reckons was with his sister. Excuse - well both adopted. However sister denies affair. Other 5 affairs he can remember first names, but so long ago wouldn't know where these women are now. Maybe they happened, maybe they didnt. I don't care one iota now.


Anyway, back to why he told me. Counsellors say it was because he knew he hadnt been the best husband over the years and I was just about to qualify as a solicitor. He had not got far up the ladder as a police officer and he felt that once qualified I would leave him. Apparently, he would not be able to cope with being left for another man or because I had simpley 'had enough of him', so by telling me about all these 'alleged' affairs, I would be leaving him for something he had done wrong. Quite compliciated I know.

Situation now - I couldnt care less if he had had sex with the whole of England. In my eyes he is a pathetic little weazel and always was. I love my life and I can't begrudge the years I spent with him, because as he was running around town with a uniform and a big trungeon I was raising 3 beautiful daughters, studying and being as good a wife and mother as I could be.

I am 48 now - soooooo living in the present and looking forward to the future. My eldest girl going to Liverpool University this year, have lots more contact with my brothers in Wales and Dublin, which I didn't have before, so things are great.

Maybe I had to go through shit to get what i have got now. I have been through great heartache and pain, and I would love to be able to help others see that there is a future after a b~~~~~d!