humour

"When I was young I prayed everyday to God for a new bike.......

Then I realised he didn't work that way so I nicked one and asked for forgiveness"




"I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me."


"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."



"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't."

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.



You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.



Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Apologies to those that have seen this before... but this is my top fave lawyer joke..

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.

Alimony - The ransom that the happy pay to the devil.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

Well I like my current FB status..

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Thanks for making me laugh!

That unfortunately is my only joke. Even though he put me through the mill you guys made me laugh. The joke is on him!
((((U))))