No idea what to say

Im very new to this and don''t know what to say. After years of what I thought was a happy marriage, bumps yes, but over all good, my husband left last night. It''s not a huge shock as its all bubbled to the surface in the past few months. Essentially, he''s not been in love with me for years, but was determined to ''make it work''. This has been impossible for him and after a few threats to leave over the months and me wanting him to stay (I had hope) last night I held him to it. And he left. I have three young kids and he left when they were asleep, so I''ve not managed to tell them anything, just carried on as normal. He''s a good and loving father, I think they are why he has stayed so long. Actually who am I kidding, they are definitely why he''s stayed this long.

I''ve got through today, just dinner and bedtime to go. Two friends are coming over tonight to keep me company. We have been going to counselling (and she is good) so we agreed to meet there again on Thursday as planned. But after Thursday, I just don''t know what my life will look like. I gave up work when pregnant with our eldest, and so he could build his business. I''ve no income, though I do have assets. I don''t have debts, but we don''t own the house. I feel such a fool to have let myself fall into this precarious financial situation where I am reliant on a direct debit from him into the household account. He is an honourable man, but I know this can change......

Hmmm. I guess I found my words after all.

Welcome to wiki.

Its early days and you will be in shock.

First practical thing to do is find out what benefits you would be entitled to. So arrange a visit to your local CAB.

Its good that your going to counselling, although this might not result in the marriage being mended. It might give you an opportunity to discuss your finances and child contact arrangements in the presence of a third party.

How old are your children?

They are 7,6 and 5. I don''t think I am entitled to benefit as I have savings, but no harm in asking, thanks. The hard part is that everything I do, going to CAB, telling my mum, just make it all more real and harder to reverse. I''ve watched my brothers divorce and not get on with their partners, in a way I feel I need to keep it all hidden.

Hi Ganepati,

Hello and a very warm welcome to Wiki as sad as it may be to find yourself here. I am glad you have found your words and you will feel better for it, we are a community of support in every way.

You have to slow down, take those baby steps and even though you may have seen this coming, just remember that you will be in a state of shock during the initial weeks to come. Do not be too hard on yourself and seek out the advice of the professionals. Your local Citizen''s Advice Bureau may be able to help with the initial questions that you may have with regard to legals and financials, but remember do not make any rash decisions that may affect your future and your husband has a financial responsibility to your children.

Take your time and remember keep things as amicable as you possibly can. Lean on friends and family you trust and who can support you through this life changing event. Your priority will be your children, they are what will see you through this.

Wishing you well and take care for now FoS x

Ganepat.
The others have already said Welcome and sorry you have to be here and offered good advice.

Look up the 5 stages of grief - by Elisabeth Kubler Ross - it applies to the end of a marriage as much as to bereavement for a death. I would say at the moment you are in denial.

You may be able to stay friends - but there are not many of us who have achieved this, and I think you should prepare yourself that there is often someone else involved - whether they admit it or not.

Don''t feel bad that you have become dependent on him financially. I never thought I would be that person but life, kids, health, elderly parents get in the way, and it seems to make sense to work as a team where one person works and one person is the carer. And then...not to put too fine a point on it.....we get shafted.

For now, tiny tiny steps. Your life will feel it is in a spinner. He may turn into a stranger in your ex''s body - and say the most hurtful things that seem foreign to you, just to justify his own actions - this is inportant - remember - you don''t have to believe him.

Hang on - and keep posting on wiki if it helps.

sc

Thanks. Early morning reality check. But the house is clean, the kitchen has food in it and my kids are happy. Today''s goals are to do laundry and feed the kids (they are still off school). Unlimited tv for this week is ok. They have been waking me up with kisses and declarations of love, which I am soaking up like a sponge.