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At a bit of a loss

  • Alone1433
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18 Apr 12 #324783 by Alone1433
Topic started by Alone1433

I used this site in 2010 and early 2011 when my husband told me he didn''t want to be married to me any more totally out of the blue , he then while we trying to figure out whether to split or not had an affair which I found out about at which point he agreed to go to counselling. Anyway we both agreed to stay together and for about 6 months we were both putting the effort in and were happy and having fun.

Over the last few months we have been slipping back into the "dead" marriage we had before (though this time I actually recognise it for myself - I really didn''t see it last time).

It just seems we do not make each other happy - we have nothing in common, no common interests. I actually think I recognise some signs of depression in myself (I seriously have only 1 friend, I never go out other than to work or the gym and I''m putting weight on which I had lost during 2010) and I see now that this is how I was for about 2 years before he dropped the bombshell in early 2010.

So this time I broached the topic and it''s hard, we both still say we love each other and don''t want to split but we are not happy together (and if I''m honest I''m really struggling to get past his affair). I don''t see any other option than for us to split.

Easier said than done - he says he won''t move out as why should he, I don''t want to as financially on my own I am much worse off and so I''d rather not be the one to leave our home at this stage.

He has moved into the spare room but other than that nothing has really changed - he still calls me a few times a day to catch up, discuss what to have for dinner etc, we still spend every Saturday and Sunday evening together.

I am struggling to accept that this man who I love and have been with for 14 years (since the age of 20) will at some point not be a part of my life and us spending so much time together is not allowing me to even begin to move on but I just don''t know what to do about it.

Add to that the fact that I am terrified of being on my own, am scared that I will now not have children (I am almost 34 and what are the chances of finding someone else and actually having kids) also I''d be lying if I didn''t admit to being none too happy about the change in lifestyle I will have to get used to once we are apart.

A lot of information I know but just hoping someone can give me some hope for the future or some practical advice about how best to handle the current situation.

  • Shoegirl
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18 Apr 12 #324792 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
I''m sorry to read about your current situation and how you are feeling right now.

I found out about my husbands adultery in 2009. Like you, I was socially isolated, depressed and at age 34 (at that time) I was worried about the whole kids thing.

Well fast forward and yes the reconciliation was ok for a few months. Then it lapsed and I found myself trying EVERYTHING to get him to really work at the marriage. Counselling, books, really I gave it everything I had. Like you, working through the way the betrayal made me feel was appallingly difficult.

Now 18 months after we reconciled, the marriage fell apart after I discovered yet another affair. I was separated at 35. I knew like you that my attempts at reconciliation had not worked and being honest with myself I''m not entirely sure my motives were right for staying with him. Like you some of my reasons were fears around social isolation and not being a Mum.

So, I''ve been separated 15 months. I have loads of new friends and I''m free of the pervasive slight depression that plagued me during my years with him. I have realised that if I had kids with him, I''d be raising them alone anyhow so it was my choice to make on the kids front. I am not controlled by fear anymore, I see the whole kids thing as something that will work itself through, I''m open minded about the whole thing. Who knows, fostering, adoption, maybe even stepkids one day. And if I decide to be a single Mum well, time has not run out for me or you yet!

So I know the agony you face and the reasons one can get drawn back into a marriage through fear really. He''s my advice for someone who has been there before you and tried to reconcile for similar reasons. You will eventually be happier alone. I have new hobbies, I have been on courses, away for weekends, holidays, I have a new job and my life is truly fufilled without children actually. If fit happens great, if not, well, I think I''ve got my head around it. Because I had to in the sense that it is too much pressure to carry around with me and it''s something I can''t really control.

There is so much opportunity to rebuild a social life that I could write an essay in the subject! Wikimeets are fabulous and I strongly recommend you attend them as I have many friends here. There are other options too, I have a post on rebuilding a social life. But you need to be ready for that, Im just trying to say you have lots of options. It won''t feel like that for you right now, it didn''t for me either.

I remember in the early days of my separation going to see a work friend, one of the only people I knew who was divorced. I told her my story white faced and holding back tears. She said to me that at the end of all this you will be happier. I thought she was insane. Fifteen months on, I can see she was entirely right. You will be happier too. Give it time as there is no lonelier place than existing in a relationship that has run its course, I''m less lonely now than when I was married.

You are not alone. It will be ok. Know there is a genuine alternative to the unhappiness you feel right now. There is a better life for you ahead.

  • Shoegirl
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18 Apr 12 #324798 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
From my experience, id say your future will be happier but the question remains how to get there.

In terms of practicalities, you will have to agree firstly together and finally that your marriage has run its course. It is very difficult to live together in the same house once it''s over so is there any compromise that can be found in terms of living arrangements.? I do t think it''s possible to really move on until you are living separately.

If not, i would think about ways you can live together in the house and that includes making your own plans for weekend evenings cutting out the phone calls erc. I used to go to the cinema alone sometimes just to get out of the house for a few hours. Friends, family any excuse just to get some distance.

Relate can be helpful for some separation scenarios to help you work out stuff together. Many don''t stay amicable but if you can it''s worth exploring this. Whatever happens I think counselling is invaluable for you particularly if you recognise depression symptoms.

You are going through a lot and you need to be kind to yourself. Plan regular treats even if it is just a coffee out or something. Check out your posting in relation to finances by posting details here. You mentioned a change in lifestyle, but I would check out whether there would be a 50/50 split in your case first.

Try not to think too far ahead. I know it''s hard as your whole future is going to be different to what you thought. Different does not mean worse. Take each day as it comes. It will be a roller coaster emotionally for some to come yet but it gets better over time.

Take care

  • flowerofscotland
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18 Apr 12 #324809 by flowerofscotland
Reply from flowerofscotland

Hello and welcome to Wiki. I am sad that you find yourself here under these circumstances, but you are not alone now, you are in good company and those of us in Wiki Land will try and offer you the support that you need to make the right decisions for yourself and your future.

There is not much I can add to Shoegirl''s wise words and it sounds as if she has given you some great advice to digest, but I will offer you this. I was with my STBX for 20 years and did have children. A few weeks before his affair was common knowledge, or at least before I found about it, apparently the wife is always the last to know, I attended a very big and traditional Scottish wedding with him, surrounded by at least 250 guests, many of them close friends and family. It was in all honesty the most lonely day of my life.

Because his mind was obviously on other things or should I say person, I was conveniently left like a spare part, even though there were all these people around me. What I am trying to say is it is better to be lonely on your own than in a lonely marriage. Regardless of your fears, sometime it is the fear of fear itself that is the most daunting prospect.

Shoegirl is also right, if you had children with this man, it sounds like you would inevitably be raising them on your own. Never say never and look at this opportunity to take onboard lessons learned, you still have youth on your side and you never know what the future holds. Be brave and do not look back, this is an opportunity to create a new, exiting and happy life, I am sure as hard as it may be at the start remember the world is your oyster and what is for you, will not go passed you!

Take care for now FoS x

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