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Dreading telling the kids and elderly parents

  • I love labs
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23 Apr 12 #326099 by I love labs
Topic started by I love labs
Hi all, Im new to all this so here goes!
Husband told me on Easter Monday he has been having an affair for 6 months, how stupid am I? He and this woman have rented a house and he is leaving next week. We have been married 21 years and have 2 kids (20 & 17) Havnt told them yet, want to leave it til a few days before, no point upsetting them any earlier. My parents are in their late 70s and havnt been in good health recently. I am absolutely dreading telling them,they dont need this at their age.

Any advice on telling the kids and parents, dont want to give them false hope of a reunion nor do I want to mention the "D" word either!

  • sillywoman
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23 Apr 12 #326102 by sillywoman
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He sounds a lovely chap. Tell him to get the hell out now!

  • whatgoesaroundcomesaround
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23 Apr 12 #326108 by whatgoesaroundcomesaround
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sorry about your situation.

same thing happened to many of us (I''m in the same boat, 7 months down the road and now divorced). You are not stupid. Your man is weak, selfish and pathetic. I didn''t give myself the job of telling the kids because I didn''t create the situation - I made my ex tell the kids.

My mother is over 80 but has actually risen to the challenge and has tried her best to be supportive - over the coming weeks and months you will need a lot of support so I would reach out to them if I were you!

Meanwhile, there are many people on this site who will help you. Read what everyone has to say (especially around affairs) before agreeing to your next steps. You will see that these situations seem to follow a similar pattern so you may as well learn from the experience of others.

  • Action
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23 Apr 12 #326116 by Action
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HI Labradors

Sorry to hear of your situation. Just wanted to reinforce that you are not stupid - many of us on here just didn''t see it coming. He''s clearly mapped out his future so I agree that he needs to take some responsibility in managing the fall-out, i.e. taking a part in explaining it to the kids. Remember, you are a good way behind him in planning for your own future without him. All credit to you for putting the feelings of your loved ones first.

A book which is often recommended on here is ''Runaway Husbands''. It helped me enormously in understanding the different stages of the journey.

Good luck, big hugs and keep posting.

  • Lostboy67
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23 Apr 12 #326117 by Lostboy67
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Welcome to wiki, but sorry you are here.
With regard to your children although one is grown up and the other isn''t far off it will still be very upsetting for them. Ideally you need to tell the children together, but they are going to guess when dad isn''t there anymore. Its perhaps a little different with children of younger age where you have to ''dress things up a little''
With regard to your parents, clearly they are going to need to be told, I''d suggest the following. Phone them up and ask if you can visit them for dinner over the weekend, but say that its just you coming. When you get there ask them to sit down, and say something along the lines of "I''ve got something to tell you", then pause for a moment and continue "Its about and me" then pause again and continue "He has moved out of the house"

The pauses are important as it gives your parents time to work things out for themselves.

The sooner you tell them the better really as then they can offer you support.

Take care

  • Crumpled
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24 Apr 12 #326133 by Crumpled
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Hi Labradors

I can only really agree with what every one else has said already and I am so sorry that you find yourself here.I am in a similar situation to yourself but a few months further down the line.
You are defintely not stupid why shouldnt you have trusted your husband why should you have been looking for this and the whole situation is too horrible.
All I can add really is this is a terrible shock so please make sure that you take care of yourself it is lovely that you are thinking of your children and your parents but please remember to take care of yourself .
Also one thing that has helped me the most is counselling (if you had asked me before all of this happened I would have told you I thought counselling was airy fairy rubbish)
but I have found it to be literally a lifesaver so please do consider it but make sure the counsellor is a good one.
You are not alone there are lots of us out tgere and sadly our stories are very similar you will get lots of support from people on this site who have been and are going through the same thing as yourself so they truly understand the emotions and feelings you have I have found the support on here to be invaluable and I hope you can get some strength from others too.

  • I love labs
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24 Apr 12 #326290 by I love labs
Reply from I love labs
Thankyou for all your kind and positive words. I dont think it has really sunk in yet, maybe when he finally leaves I will start "grieving". Looking back we had been drifting slowly apart for a year or so. He had his football coaching (where he met the other woman) and I was just running the house and being there for the kids. He hardly spent anytime at home or do anything as a family and when he did he was always moaning and shouting about something or other.
I dont know whether to see a solicitor now or give it a few months until I can get my head around things. He has openend a bank account in his name and will give me just enough money to cover bills etc. I work part time, but until he has gone Im not sure if this will be enough. Any advice greatly appreciated x

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