Struggling with no contact with kids

I am new to this wonderful site and hope that I get some response with this.

I seperated from my wife of 21yrs in Sep last year, following an argument she left with our kids whilst I was at work. To add to my woes, I lost my job a ouple of weeks after and our home shortly after that. But, the most painful thing is that our kids (16 and 13 yrs) have refused to maintain contact with me. I never expected this in a million years! I feel like I am in a nightmare, that my life had come to an end. Is there light at the end of the tunnel with regards my teenagers?

Hi Linx. Teens are special people. In lots of ways. It could be that they blame you for the break up. It could be that they feel abandoned by you. There are lots of reasons why they wont maintain contact with you.

But you are the adult. And you have to play the adult long game. Teens on the other hand are always falling out with someone and making up again within 5 mins. So its not unusual that they have rejected you as they do this all the time anyway.

So my advice to you is be patient. Take the view that it could be years and years before they will speak to you again. In the mean time act like a parent. Send the cards at birthdays and xmas. Put a little money in each time. Take a picture of the card and money and keep it too one side. It could be that the cards are being confiscated. You wont know this. And the pictures of the cards, will be proof that may be needed one day when they ask why you never got in contact.

At the start you will get rejection. The cards may come back unopened or just returned in pieces. Or you may not get a thank you. But dont lose heart. Just keep it going. If you have been ringing up to speak to them or popping round and they wont see you, then leave that for the time being. Let them know where you are in a letter perhaps explaining how to contact you if they want to.

I know this is tough on you. But being a teenager is tough. Hormones all over the place. And you left at the worst possible time for them. But keep up the cards. Back off trying to speak to them and see them and in time, they will grow up and realise that they have a dad and reconnect with you. That is the best you can hope for. C.

Wow. That is tough. Your kids need to know that no matter what you will always love them. No matter what. That includes if they never speak to you again.

Don''t give up on your kids or write them off. Keep showing up in their lives so they know you care. I hope you can talk with your stbx about strategies you could take to stay in their lives in a meaningful way. The kids need you even if they don''t know.

Email, Facebook, Twitter, text whatever. Do it often. Don''t expect a reply. Just tell them funny things that show you were thinking of them.

You''ll always be their father. Girls will marry men like their father and boys will become like their father. That''s just a fact. Do everything you can to be the best man you can be. They''ll likely come around eventually and you''ll be there with open arms telling them that you never stopped loving them!

Good luck and take care of yourself!

I sure hope my daughters don''t marry men like their father!

Have your children told you that they do not want contact or is this what their mother has said? Have they offered an explanation? You need to make sure this is their view and they are not being prevented from having contact.

Otherwise I agree with what Marshy and Canuck have said. One day your children will return and will need you, and you must be there for them. Don''t blame them for their present attitude or be angry with them.

Have you made any attempts since September to re-establish contact? This could be through a court or by using an intermediary such as a trusted family member.

Dear Forseti,

No, my kids have not said that they don''t want contact with me - atleast as far as I am aware, nor has my ex. said that they don''t. In fact there was some contact earlier this year but it fizzled away when dialogue with my ex. took a strained turn. I have been advised not to use the courts as it might lead to a more adverse reaction - remember these are teenagers.

As far as relatives are concerned, our kids and my ex pay little attention to them.

Are you standing up for your kids or are you folding? If you look at it from their perspective will they see you fighting to see them and be in their lives? Can they see how much you care through your actions?

Maybe it''s easier to fold but not seeing your kids is not ok. Think about looking them iin the eye in ten or twently years time. Will you be able to tell them that you did everything you could to be there for them?

It sounds to me like you are afraid to rock the boat or afraid to stand up to your ex. That''s not a good enough reason to be absent from your kids lives. Now, to be fair, she should also be on you for being absent. She should demand that you stay in their life.

Stand up and be the awesome father that you can be! Your kids need you!