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Don''t know which way to jump

  • afonleas
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24 Aug 12 #351672 by afonleas
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Sympathy you will not get from,although admire you for posting,I would expect you realised that you would have some backlash.
Like countless others on this site,I too was the partner at home oblivious to the fact my husband was playing away,although I knew things were not good,it was me who put up with attitude/rows and nastiness,not her,and I was the innocent.
If you want to leave,well do it,your wife deserves more,you have betrayed her/your son and your vows,just don''t mess with her head anymore,you are still betraying her,ok it an emotional betrayel,but sorry still the same.
Your wife deserves more than you are prepared to give,maybe she will find peace with another,you obviously did not think of her or your son when you played away!!!!

Sorry if I sound harsh,but as a victim of adultry and a "shoot from the hip person" I believe in total honesty,both for myself and others.
Not just your life to consider,your wife is entitled to more!!!!


  • Shoegirl
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24 Aug 12 #351678 by Shoegirl
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It''s a very common tendency for people to believe that there must be something "wrong " with their marriage or long term relationship because they don''t "feel" the right way about the spouse.

The assumption is that counselling should fix whatever it is that''s wrong too. Your post seems to indicate that the answer lies outside yourself is you thought the counselling would fix the issues or perhaps you might find another partner that would make you feel the right way and properly commit.

Have you fully explored your own feelings and the reasons you were not able to sustain a long term committed relationship? Counselling will be a waste of time if you feel the answer to the issues you are experiencing lies outside yourself.

Think about this logically. So many wish to wipe the slate clean and start again without exploring the real motivation behind this. This is critical if you want to avoid ending up feeling this way again about your wife or someone else. Why act on something you don''t yet fully understand? Sounds like time out from relationships might be the best way forward to workout why you have ended up in this situation and what you need to do to ensure you are able to sustain a long term committed relarionship.

By the way, it''s human nature to look for an easy way out of these issues. Having another relationship as an escape route is very common. But do you understand yourself and what you want and need enough to make life changing decisions? If not, then don''t. Do the work on you first then I promise, speaking as someone who has trodden this path, you won''t be asking a single question. Because you will know yourself well enough to know what you need from relationships and how you sustain them in the longer term.

I have said before, that I see so many variants of this type of question on wiki and few if any are able to leave current relationships marriage, affair etc alone long enough to figure out who they are and what they want. I wonder if you will be one of the people to buck the trend. Being alone takes guts and actually, you need to think about being fair to the women who will no doubt be hurting as a result of your actions. I''m not having a go, they will make their own choices about whether to stay or go. But you do need to factor these things into your decisions, making sure you have a sense of responsibility towards others.

So, my advice is do the work on you. I mean really figure out who you are inside and what you want from life in general including your relationships. I did this work so I could be confident that I could be happy alone as well as in a relationship. You describe counselling as a waste of time, well if you want someone to magically fix something then it will be. If you accept that you may have a pattern of emotional unavailability for example that might not be due to your wife, but due to the way you think and feel then the counsellor might have something to work with.

I''m not judging you, I am trying to give you food for thought. Answers lie within ourselves, our job is to spend the time working through things until we understand ourselves properly and then often find they have unshakeable confidence we are doing the right thing. Perhaps you need to risk that your wife and ow might not be there for you by the time you finish understanding the situation. Perhaps that''s the best way forward as every way you turn there is a risk. If you don''t have a fear of being alone, then this won''t bother you. If you do, you will find it more difficult.

My Stbx swore blind he was doing the right thing by leaving. Seriously determined he left for the other woman within days of telling me it was over. He had the seize the day mentality. Unfortunately, he did not do the self analysis and explore his motivations for wanting to leave and his own issues. Three months later, he was back crying. Problem was by then, I had done some work on me to understand what I wanted and needed and I found it wasn''t him. So, there he was facing his fear of being alone. His answer was to get into another relationship. I guess there must be a long list of women by now that he did not "feel"the right way about. That''s easier for him than to accept responsbiliity and figure out why he behaves in the way he does. This matters little to me now. I have learned to focus on me and my own stuff.

As well as counselling, I would recommend a book called getting love right by Terence gorski. It''s on amazon. The thing ultimately that I had to accept was there was no easy way out. I either had to do the work to understand my situation or risk the same this happening over and over. The former although more painful for me in the short term, is already paying back in spades.

  • missguided
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24 Aug 12 #351685 by missguided
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Hi Rocket

I believe in order to make an informed decision you need to cut all ties with the OW right now. You owe it to your wife (who you admit is doing nothing wrong) and especially your son to work out what you want without any other influences.

Please remember that if you went off with this OW, X amount of years later, that probably too wouldnt be without its issues if you dont keep your relationship alive.

Going through divorce myself (not for adultery) i am finding it very difficult and wish now we had have worked harder before giving up on it.

I would always say that if there is any chance of making it work (the fact that you have doubts and she is willing should tell you something) then you should try your hardest.

As for your wife, right now she does deserve better than you, dont make it worse by keeping in touch with OW.
OK so you may gave it a go for 6 months and get back here, but at least you know you gave it your all and didnt just run off.

Why not sit down and try to recall all the good times, just so easy to think of the bad.

Good luck.....you will need it either way, but we are here....


  • sun flower
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24 Aug 12 #351688 by sun flower
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This week I am all but suicidal. It is two years since my husband left me for a woman he had been having an emotional and physical affair with for 15 years. He had yo yo''s between the two for quite sometime. I don''t know how to keep going. My daughter is gone and my son deals with his own grief and mine when it escapes, and I watch him deal with his. We will end up losing our home as I cannot afford the upkeep.

When you get to the end of your life do you want - ''ripped my family apart'' on you cv of life - because you are going the right way about it.

Would you do this to your wife and family?

If this sounds harsh - not as harsh as the realities of family break up.

  • QPRanger
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24 Aug 12 #351691 by QPRanger
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I think its all been said by others but...

Give your marriage your very best shot, explore ALL avenues with your wife to make it work: if not for you or her then for the sake of your kid....

  • rocketkirk
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26 Aug 12 #351978 by rocketkirk
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I think one of the key things for me here is that I just dont "feel" like I did. That feeling was there before I met the OW, which is what drives me to make my earlier comment about "something being wrong or it wouldn''t have happened".

If I were to leave I am confident that I wouldn''t be leaving for the OW - that would be plain stupid.

My feelings at the moment are that I can''t get that feeling back; it''s just gone. And that means I''m not being fair on anyone.

  • sun flower
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26 Aug 12 #351980 by sun flower
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one of the key things for me here is that I just dont "feel" like I did.

I honestly take your point here. If I am honest, we hear this a lot on wiki....and I have to give you credit for at least considering and exploring before you jump.

The thing is, I think it is unrealistic to ''feel'' the same at this stage of life....I''m afraid life is just hard work sometimes. Do you think your wife ''feels the same'' with a husband who has switched off? Probably not, but women/wives (On the whole, but not always this way round) realise that life is not always rosy and seem to trudge on and make the best of it until it improves.

I think there is a sort of male menopause - I am not making light of it - it''s just I wonder if when you look back on life - perhaps losing contact with your wife and son and a lot of your friends (it does happen) and causing incalculable hurt - whether you will think that ''moving on'' was the right move - or if you could have your time again - if you could work to rescue what you have.

I can''t tell you what to do - I think my ex felt the same.....and he went - losing all of the above - and it would seem he is ok but who knows. Ex''s then seem to make their former wives into some sort of demons - just read the posts - to justify their own actions.

I think I would beg you to consider ''is there any other way''. Go for counselling, take up sky diving, scuba diving, quad biking - try and find not the old you, but the new you, I am sorry but the reality is that yes, you are getting older, deal with it rather than trying to deny it or see your wife, son, lifestyle as the problem.

I think you are looking for someone to justify your decision, but from me once again you just get grow up. You can''t go through life feeling like a love sick teenager - you may try to reclaim that feeling but at what cost and it may only be temporary.

I fear for your wife and son. The fact is that you will cause them much more ''pain'' than the discomfort you are feeling now - and I don''t deny it is ''considerable''. But if you work through this, you can grow old with companion you have worked with together for a lifetime - enjoying your grandchildren. For now, that may feel like a prison sentence - see it as growing pains - because one day - when you don''t have it - then you may really know what loss is.

I can''t tell you what to do - and I do admire you exploring the possibilities - but you won''t find approval from me.

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