Don''t know which way to jump

Hi Rocketkirk,

I don''t have the answer to your question, but whatever decision you make, you need to make it fast.

I was unfortunately on the receiving end of the same thing from my ex & after deciding he was going to leave me for the OW (after me knowing something was seriously amiss for months & he wouldn''t engage with me at all), he then spent the best part of 2 years post seperation trying to decide between the two of us.

To say this had a profound & devastating effect on my life was an understatement.

Unfortunately in the end, it was me who had enough of the whole thing & I was the one who had to make the call to get out. Of course, he found out that the grass wasn''t greener after all. Sadly, it was all too little, too late.

You can''t compare a new-ish fling to a years old marriage - you really can''t. Remember every relationship if it lasts long enough, won''t have the exciting flush of new romance where you can''t stop thinking of them fantasising about the possibilities. A lasting relationship is built on more than that.

Stop fantasising, talk to your wife & be honest. Tell her how you feel and that you fear for your marriage. Please don''t play one woman off against the other. If you decide to end things it should never be for someone else, it should be because you can''t make it work with your wife.

Dazed.

I also don''t have an answer to your question but will tell you my story .
Married 18 years ,together 26.2 kids ,14 and 10 .
STBX fell in love with 25 yr old . Had ''emotional affair'' with her for 2 years (work colleague).
Left me and kids 3 weeks before xmas to go to live with her after sleeping with her .
9 months on she has got a job in London ,2 hour train journey away ,kids don''t like him and don''t want to see him .Have not met her .
Mid life crisis ???
He didn''t want to try to save marriage - she made him happy and he wanted her .
I have been to hell and back and although coping now I wouldn''t wish this on anyone .

I just want to scream GROW UP. You have a lovely wife and son - that is not your god given right - it is a privilege and needs to be worked at.

My ex has done this - he put us through years of will he, won''t he - the answer with a married man should just be he won''t.

My ex has not seen his son for two years. My son and I have not seen my daughter for two years.

The unintended consequences have been catastrophic (and I don'' think I am exaggerating) for all of us.

Happiness and love are not a god given right for the taking. They are something to be worked on and developed with another person.

You may lose your family, further lose your integrity, possibly your home, and your oldest and closest friend (wife?)....for what....a fling?.....to prove you can?.....it is not your wife''s job to make you happy, it is her job to be a companion and partner through lifes ups and downs - and your job to do that for her.....

I say again just GROW UP, make the best of what you and your wife and son have, and avoid the heartache that will ensue - and if you doubt me about the heartache, explore this site further.

I''ve just read another post that might help: it''s the first post of ''Patrick1979 ''.

You are not a bad person as you have been honest, have done the walk of shame and continue to be responsible for your child. nobody is perfect and relationships break down, what is really important is how you conduct yourself moving forward. you are clearly struggling with making a decision and this is not a bad thing as the stakes are high, the consequences will have a long lasting impact on your child and you should be absolutely sure that you make the right choice. if you stay and this is not right and your presence is only out of duty then this would lead to resentment and will be a tough call to coexist, so this would not be a good environment for your child. if you go and this is a mistake then you have lost the opportunity of family life and caused a lot of grief to the ex. you appear to want someone to tell you to leave... but you must arrive at the correct decision yourself.. two counselling sessions are not really sufficient to give you the answer. perhaps you just need to look at yourself and work out your own identity. .If you do leave be sure you are doing it because you aren''t compatible rather then for someone else......it sounds a bit indulgent but could you take time away on your own to really think about what you want in life. when you are removed entirely from the situation you may be able to find a solution. Don''t rush it , it''s a pivotal moment in your life...if you do go, truth & forgiveness will set you free..not solicitors or divorce

I just want to add my two pennoth!

Please think very carefully. Your life will change immeasureably. You are very likely to end up an "every other weekend" dad. If you leave to go to the ow, yep she lights your fire at the moment - but that is lust and lust often calms down and the relationship will either fizzle out or possibly grow into something great.

But, the grass is often not greener on the other side.

If you feel you must leave your life as it is now, dont leave for another woman.

Thanks everyone for your replies. They are pretty much what I am thinking on a daily basis.

Careful thought required, of that there is little doubt.