Need advice -what should I do?

Dear Forum Members,I (46 years) have been in an abusive marriage with a narcissistic wife (46) for the past 20 years. We have two children, a boy and a girl, both aged 17, who will be applying to universities next year. Over the years, there have been several incidents of domestic violence, including two instances where the police were called. However, I chose not to press charges to maintain normalcy and protect my children’s future.Recently, the situation has deteriorated significantly. My wife has turned the children against me, and during arguments, they now side with her. Last week, my son physically confronted me in public, grabbing my collar and threatening me. This has left me feeling deeply regretful for not pursuing a divorce earlier, as my efforts to maintain the family seem to have been in vain.My wife is unemployed, and I am the sole earner. We own properties in the UK, and our current residence has an outstanding mortgage of £700k. I am considering a no-fault divorce but am hesitant to leave the family home. However, I am concerned that serving divorce papers may escalate my wife’s abusive behavior, potentially putting my children at risk. While I could involve the police, I am reluctant to disrupt my children’s lives further and had initially planned to wait until they left for university. However, the current volatile environment has made daily life unbearable.I am seeking advice on the following options:

1. Leaving the Property and Filing for Divorce: If I leave the family home and file for divorce, I understand that the financial settlement process may take time. Does this mean I cannot return to the property during the proceedings?
2. Serving Divorce and Remaining in the Home: If I serve divorce papers and continue living in the home, how can I manage the situation to prevent further escalation and maintain a calm environment?

Any guidance or suggestions on how to proceed would be greatly appreciated.Thank you in advance for your support.

I think you should probably post some questions in the financial forum - the bit about property if you leave.

If your wife is narcissistic it is unlikely your children are at risk. She will want to keep them on her side. In any case, it is also harmful to them for them to continue living with a narcissist.

I assume you called the police? I think there will be records even if you did not press charges.

Your experience is not greatly different from mine - narcissistic, manipulative wife, trying to maintain the marriage long past when I should have. I am lucky my kids saw through her. Yours may too, with time. My greatest regret is not divorcing earlier because that would have protected the children from her.

In general people who have been abused are more fearful than they should be. I found my wife because less aggressive (and down right anxious to please) once I was definite about divorcing.

Thanks for you response - much appreciated. Since you have successfully come out of the similar situation can you please advise? At what age you decide to divorce and when you filed for divorce?

1) how did you inform yr ex-wife about divorce? was she not violenet , breaking home items or threatening suicide? if yes, how did you handle?

2) Did you leave your current home during the divorce proceeding?

3) how did you handle volatile temper? I mean calling police each time. I can call police then I fear that if she returns next day, it will be very difficult to handle her rage.

4) how to stay strong on the face of her extreme temper - I dont like item to be damaged, plus my teen kid also join her if i try to stop her from damaging items.

You mention properties in the UK. Is there somewhere else you could live and be happier while the divorce process goes through?

A £700k mortgage is enormous and suggests a big expensive to run house and that you have very big incomes. How would the FMH be financed during this period? Can your STBX afford to pay the mortgage and running costs from her own resources?

As regards as domestic violence report every single incident. Contrary to popular belief The decision to charge an offender with an offence doesn’t sit with the victim so you need to be aware if you do report something it could lead to your ex being prosecuted even if that isn’t what you wish

My ex was not violent, so I had one less problem. I did take the precaution of locking my bedroom door just in case. She was emotionally abusive, towards me and the children, and her behaviour mostly got better once I said I was divorcing. I would not count on that reaction, but I would not discount the possibility either.

I did not leave the home. I eventually applied for an occupation order and she agreed to leave after the initial hearing.

For 3) call them again. Have you called social services? Men's Advice Line?

For 4). Things are less important than people. Even the most precious things. If she breaks things call the police.

Record violence against you or property as evidence.

If you are in physical danger leave the house and deal with the finances later.

To add I feel you really need help dealing with violence and fear.

Your situation is different to mine in two important ways:

1. Your wife is violent towards you
2. She has turned her children against you.

On the other hand:

1. She does not seem to be a threat to your children.
2. Violence leaves evidence.

Its tricky and its hard to figure out what to do.

your response has given me some strength to fight back however recording is not easy as she can locate camera and once found out i am recording - she can go into a rage difficult to handle.

Social services got involved 8 years back once but they cause more problem than solution, their interest ea to take kids away - so i dont think they can help here.

with police , they do come and arrest but next day they will release pending further investigation meaning i need to let her in due to kids pressure. so best leave everything ( as suggested) and dont get attached with material things.