Lawyer Jokes

A barrister found herself at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. She protested that it was all a mistake: she was only 42 and far too young to be dead.

"That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to the days you've billed you're 119 years old."

My fave ever lawyer joke....

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"


Oh....btw Alive hunny - nice try at re-writing that joke, but barristers dont bill by the hour love, that is our solicitor friends

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!!!!!!!


On a Sunday too!!!

Not you Amanda though

could not resist this one either..

Two in one grave
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"




tch tch.....

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.

The doctor took his turn first: "Remember how God removed a rib from Adam to create Eve? Obviously, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer smiled and replied "Ah, but before that, God created the heavens and the earth from chaos, all in less than a week. You have to admit that was a remarkable feat of engineering, and that makes engineering an older profession than medicine."

The lawyer smirked and said:

"But who do you think created the chaos?"

Nice one guys...lol

Great to see u again Zara

Couldnt resist gettin ma tuppence worth....

Gettin screwed by a lawyer is traumatising by a pink fluffy barrister well dream on guys!!

Elle

Lol Elle ....I keep telling you - I am a good girl, I dont do messy things like that .

Anyway...here is another:

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?" asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry," the receptionist answered, "but Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?" repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me, I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?" the client again asked.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?" said the exasperated receptionist, "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"Oh I understand you perfectly," said the client, "I just can't hear it often enough."