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One parties lie is the other parties truth

  • gotmysmile
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04 Apr 12 #321640 by gotmysmile
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It was me that said that and yes I believe it but don''t think it really applies to the situation you described!!

What I meant was that different perspectives on the same issue can mean you believe different things especially as you don@t know the other persons reasons.

For example - during my financial settlement, at one point I wanted the house sold as did he. I didn''t think I could stand the financial burden. I told the ex that. However, over time I realised it would have immense negative effects for the children so changed my mind. To this day, he maintains that I agreed then changed my mind out of spite and to waste time and solicitors money. Hence the perpective, he can''t see why I changed my mind so his truth is my lie and visa versa. And it was that kind of thing I meant.

This isn''t the same situation as yours!

  • MrsMathsisfun
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04 Apr 12 #321643 by MrsMathsisfun
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Personally I think there are always 3 versions of the truth.

my truth, his truth and what actually happened lies somewhere in between these two version.

Eventually children learn to read between the lines of what''s being said and work out the bit in the middle.

  • Canuck425
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05 Apr 12 #321712 by Canuck425
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I do think that everyone tends to rewrite history to fit their own view. Through this it has amazed my just how different her view is to mine on what actually happened.

I was gobsmacked when she said to me "I think I supported you pretty well through cancer". I did call her on that and told her that only my opinion mattered on that subject. But the fascinating bit was that she actually believed it. This woman totally folded on me while I was in radiation therapy. She was absent. But somehow she really believes that she supported me.

All I can come up with is that she has to believe this in order to justify her outrageous behaviour. Otherwise, how could she reconcile her actions? So it is another version of blame or justification - I think.

  • Shoegirl
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05 Apr 12 #321715 by Shoegirl
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Hmmm Canuck look up passive agressive behaviour in relation to your wife''s interesting take on the world. I just recognise something in your blogs and posts that rings alarm bells in relation to your wife''s conduct and this might help understand why she insists things that just are blatantly not true.

See what you think.......

  • hawaythelads
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05 Apr 12 #321722 by hawaythelads
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When I discovered a load of emails that confirmed the ex harridans affair.
I tackled her with the blokes name without revealing how I knew just I''d been informed.
It was a great observation of how people lie..... the main thing and her first reaction was who told you that??Now in her Rat mind she knew people knew about it but she had to find out if I was bluffing.I told her I''m not telling you that.
I then had 3 hours of who told you that it''s not true.
After I went back to my Mums house she phoned obviously a bit more confident that I had no firm evidence other than hearsay so no proof.
She then bombarded me with it wasn''t true and that I was making this up and that I was unable to handle the break up of our marriage and because I was mentally unstable I was making up an affair.
I told her when I hang this phone up I''ll look in the mirror and know I''m not mental and when you hang up and go and look in the mirror you''ll know your looking at a fxcking liar.
I then had to go and check that I really did have a ream of emails on paper about 100 messages that I''d printed out confirming her meets and what she''d been up to sexually in detail because she was that convincing even with all that paper in my hand I would''ve believed it.Best Liar ever.
That was a Sunday I went to the solicitors the next day and gave him the emails and told him to file for divorce and he put all the juiciest bits from the emails in the ub Petition.
After she received the Petition on the 23rd December yes it really nearly was as good a timingas Dirty Den and Ange in eastenders.
She never said a dickie bird until the 7th January when she returned drunk to the FMH after her meal out while I looked after the kids.
I got the divorce petition with all that rubbish in it they were just emails you''ve never worked with anyone of the opposite sex.
Oh I said so I had a great time this morning we should go to Ann Summers at lunchtime and get some toys for later half hour after we got out the one and only marriage guidance meeting was just for jokes was it?
as I said love when I look in the mirror I''ll know I''m not mental and you''ll still know you are a fxcking liar.
At which point she completely flipped and called the old bill saying her ex husband was in the fmh making her feel threatened.
I waited outside for the rossers having a ciggie to explain that as she knew she been well and truly found out as a Liar she''d got straight on the bat phone rather than admit it.
All the best

  • rugby333
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05 Apr 12 #321738 by rugby333
Reply from rugby333
This is a very interesting thread.

Peoples version of the truth is dependent on whether they feel they are a victim or not.

By way of example: Hawaythelads ex wife was lying. That is not in dispute. However from her point of view, she considered that lie to be irrelevant in the overall scheme of things (divorce war zone....bullying husband....he forced me into it.....yawn yawn yawn) Seen in that light, in her mind, it was not really a lie. At a minimum it was justifiable to her.

The original inquiry was what do you do about such behaviour?The answer is ignore it.

In a way that is the easy bit. Much more difficult and much more importantly, do not expect it to change: if someone''s reality is driven by whether they feel a victim or not, then there is nothing you can say or do that will change that reality.

Once you have downsized your expectation of your ex husband/wife''s behaviour then you will move into a much better place. Indeed, I would argue, the need to lie on their behalf already puts them in a much worse place than you - to go back to Hawaythelads ex wife: if she was truly comfortable in her skin, she would not bother to lie.

  • hawaythelads
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05 Apr 12 #321921 by hawaythelads
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That was really just my explanation that shxt people lie as they can''t stand to face the reality of how bad their behaviour has been.
Nobody wants to admit they have actually behaved badly.So they justify.
I used to tell all her pseudo working /striving to be middle class mates my side of the story.People are so bland and devoid of personality anyway they can''t handle the truth.
Oh yeah she was fecking some other bloke whilst I was home with the kids or at work and when he did a runner after she booted me out she moved Bazza into the FMH in 5 minutes.She''s a fecking nightmare behind closed doors screams and shouts all the time at me and the kids and puts on complete fake persona in general public to all you lot.Very good at remembering to send you a birthday card so she appears nice.
After that lot they always used to look at me like I was fecking complete looney.
And I used to think great because I can''t stand you anyways you fake david lloyd gym member 4 x 4 chelsea tractor driving,talking about your ski holiday in January and your trip to orlando in the summer and extra tutoring for your kids fake bxstards who all knew she was shxgging around anyways.
Perfect way to deal with it if you want to plough your own furrow.
But then I am the King.
All the best
His Royal Hawayness (ordained by Big G) xx

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