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Suddenly she''s not there

  • Thurman
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15 May 12 #330544 by Thurman
Topic started by Thurman
Hello again. Been AFK for a while. This website was hugely helpful during the early phases of my divorce. Now it''s all over I wonder if it can help a little more. I’ll try and keep this brief.

I seem to be struggling with my ''new life'', albeit only 10 days old or so.

I lived with my wife for 22 years and we were married for 15 of those. So pretty-much all my adult life has been spent beside her and I''m finding it quite disturbing suddenly not having her around. 17 of those years were in the house I''ve just moved-out of where my ex-wife is still living - the FMH. And I really don''t like my new (empty) house. It''s not a home.

Long-story-short: We''re both in our early 40s and there are no kids. Over time she changed, and we grew apart to the point where we realised we had no future together. We were on good terms and shared the FMH during the divorce right up until the Consent Order was approved, which meant I then bought my own house and moved out. Which was coincidentally the day I received the Decree Absolute.

Despite my wanting to remain friends, for a variety of reasons we parted on bad terms. It was unavoidable. So she’s turned her back on 22 years of life together, which I simply cannot do. Most of those were great years, and we were extremely happy. I really do want to be friends because I still care about her and I simply cannot see a life for me without her in to some extent. Hell, I’d be happy with a xmas card.

I guess I am just feeling very low. That sensation of being very close to cracking. Like I''m teetering on the edge of... collapse, or something. Can''t put my finger on it. But it’s very uncomfortable. During the divorce I had no time for depression – I was too busy battling my wife’s solicitor, trying to nurse her through *her* depression, dealing with courts, finding/buying a new house to move into and doing countless hours of overtime.

Now it’s all over, I’ve still got loads to distract me. But that depression is encroaching. That initial feeling of relief when I moved-out, and that appeal of a ‘blank page’, has been replaced with a crushing sadness. Probably because my ''old life'' is over, and my ex-wife wants no contact.

Yes, I realise it''s all very new and I''ll probably re-adjust in time. Yes I realise I can and will move on. But right now it''s pretty overpowering. And before anyone suggests it, I’m not interested in dating right now. In fact I can’t think of anything worse.

Bottom line is I really didn''t want a divorce, I really didn''t want to lose my wife''s friendship, and I really didn''t want to move house. But all three have happened.

Any advice gratefully received. What does the Group recommend? Give it time? Counseling? Self-help? See a GP?

  • fairylandtime
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15 May 12 #330553 by fairylandtime
Reply from fairylandtime
Hi Thurman

The 3 things may have all happened but it appears that in your mind you are still fighting them? Am I right.

I think Marshy gave the cycle of divorce (if you look back on his posts) but there is an acceptance stage & your not there yet, you need to get over this before you can "enjoy" your new life in your new place.

Not sure how you get there, books are good - I used a relate one (have a happy divorce or something like that) & concilling may also help you either via relate or see your GP.

You have to start thinking of yourself without your x, looking after yourself & treating yourself / making your NEW living area comfy & as you like it.

It''s easy to go through the practicalities for divorce as these just happen, sols, driven by x etc etc - but it is harder to go through the actual aspects in your mind as you have to do that bit yourself (force yourself) it takes effort & hurts but it has to be done to move forward.

Stay strong & look after yourself in this, go for any & all help you can get you have started the long road it hurts but it will get better & you will get to the end of it where it gets easier, lighter & you find the new you.


  • Wiser
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15 May 12 #330559 by Wiser
Reply from Wiser

I suggest that you read the following book, it takes you through the stages after the divorce.

Rebuilding when your relationship ends
by Dr Bruce Fisher and Dr Robert Alberti

It is a step by step program for putting your life back together. It is working for me.

When you are stronger I suggest you look for a divorce recovery workshop in your area.


Everyone is unique and has had unique experiences but everybody deserves to have peace of mind and a great future.

  • stukadivebomber
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15 May 12 #330562 by stukadivebomber
Reply from stukadivebomber
Hi Thurman,

Just to let you know I''m in a similar boat, so this is a "supportive note", rather than being of any practical help to you :whistle:

I had a couple of ''black'' weeks recently, but now back to treading water again. It seems to go in cycles.

I think it''s to do with all the changes happening at once:S .
I like a bit of stability, myself:blush: .

I believe the ''standard'' advice will centre around getting out, & meeting new groups of people.
Re-visiting old hobbies, etc.,
Maybe reaching out for something you dreamt of years ago.....(we won''t mention mid-life crises today, thankyou:blink: ).

It''ll all be down to your levels of confidence for now.
Just when you''re in pieces:unsure:

  • Patrick1968
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15 May 12 #330687 by Patrick1968
Reply from Patrick1968
You''ve crashed. Its not unnatural, you''ve have recognised you lost something very dear to you and not on the terms you want. Your ex may want to move on and that means starting again and the by defination means without you.

How to proceed. I expect a GP will prscribe drugs you could see a councillor. My experience with them has been limted and they are hit and miss.

I would from an outsiders perspective, let it wash over you..the anxiety and depression. Recognise that that is what it is that isn''t a blip and you need to mourn it passing. Don''t bottle it up, you need to give it the respect it deserves and let it happen. Needless to say if you wake up in the middle of a field naked covered in blood you may want to seek professional guidance.

  • hawaythelads
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15 May 12 #330694 by hawaythelads
Reply from hawaythelads
You have actually been in fight or flight mode all the time.
The divorce in a weird way is still part of the marriage.
You still in your head think we will do this or that.Or even as an adversary you still think and feel attached to them.Like fecking ***** wife is stitching me up for this in the divorce.it''s all still connected.
You know you can''t have your Batman without the Joker type thing.
Doesn''t sound as if you wanted this at all.
you have still been thinking like a husband helping her with depression etc etc.
So all of a sudden that''s it all done and dusted.It''s all over.
No more wife.No more fights.That''s when the depression does kick in.
It''s natural believe me mate been there seen it.
I sat around in my underpants quite a lot watching TV wondering what the feck had just happened.
If you feel bad that''s fine.if you feel like suicidal go and see the Doc and get some help with ad''s or ring Samaritans.
I know it''s going to be hard but if you''ve got some proper mates get out with them for a drink and a laugh.Even if you are depressed.They have a way of telling you to cheer the feck up.
I suppose what I''m really saying is there''s not just one answer it''s a combination of time and any other thing that helps you feel a bit better.It''s early days.i think that''s what everyone forgets.you''ve been married 23 years you ain''t gonna be over it that quick.
all the best

  • yellowrose
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15 May 12 #330697 by yellowrose
Reply from yellowrose
I can''t offer any advice other than to say that evrything everyone has said is all so true.

Today I''m in the same place as you - your post saved me writing my own. I''ve just come off the phone to the samaritans. Never phoned them before but they were very good - as you''d expect.

I never wanted this. My whole adult life, like you has been spent with him. He treats me as if he never had alife with me and today, one year nearly since he left I''m just not coping.

I hope tomorrow I''ll feel different because I can''t go on feeling like this, but if not I''ll look to the next day.

Don''t ever feel you have to be anything other than who you really are, and if that is someone in pain then that''s O.K.

One day I hope we will all be O.K.

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