Suddenly she''s not there

Wowzer. Some wise words in there.

From what I''ve read elsewhere, what I''m going through is ''perfectly normal'' but doesn''t stop me wishing it could be less painful. Patrick68''s ''crashed'' hits the nail head squarely.

Really not keen to dabble in mind-altering drugs, and judging by my ex-wife''s year-long sessions, counselling won''t do much to help. A self-help book as suggested is probably my course of action.

Guess I just have to accept it, deal with it and move on. Let it wash over me.

Think what hurts most is the way she''s just cut me off. I wrote her two heart-felt letters – one at the beginning of the divorce, one at the end, and gave them to her as I left the FMH for the last time (I can''t ever go back there - way too emotional).

I''ve heard nothing from her since, but the ball''s in her court. Today she forwarded me a letter from the car insurers and included a brief handwritten note enclosing my old insurance certificate. That was it. Her response to 22 years of history and my two impassioned eulogies on our marriage was an indifferent note about no claims discount. It is as though nothing has happened and the last 22 years didn''t happen to her. I suppose I should have learnt by now: Nub of the matter, is our relationship mattered (and matters) a lot more to me than it did/does to her. This is the way she deals with things - head in the sand.

I''ve lost my wife completely. This is gonna take some re-adjusting.

Look at least now you know she''s a cxxt.
Jobs a goodun really!
As you said you tried a couple of heartfelt pleas and she came back with an insurance certificate and some paperwork.That''s your answer.
You''l laugh at the absurdity of that one day I promise you.
All the best
Pete xx

I would not be so quick to rule out counselling. Just because someone you know has not responded to counselling does not mean it isn''t right for you.

I have had a very positive experience with counselling. Saying this sometimes is difficult here but it is importsnt to give alternative views from which you can do what feels right for you.

Recovering from divorce takes time, it''s a process where multiple losses need to come to terms with and then grieved. I too have no inclination to get into another relationship at this point either. I think it''s important sometimes to take stock and learn to be happy alone.

It''s a huge adjustment often only when the divorce is over does it truly hit home. It''s possible to avoid the feelings by remaining busy and occupied with the legal and practical elements of divorce. The emotional side needs working through and that takes time.

I found a combination of books and counselling worked best for me.

Counselling has been found not always to be that effective. For example, after 9/11 those who didn''t receive counselling had more positive outcomes than those who did and generally acute psychiatric inpatients don''t respond well to counselling.

There has been more success with relationship breakdown, although there is a problem in the UK with the regulation of counsellors and psychotherapists. With depression other forms of therapy such as cognitive behavioural therapy may be more helpful and it''s a good idea to discuss with a GP what might be most appropriate for you.

Hi
It takes time to adjust to the new life, and 10 days isn''t anywhere near enough.
I''ve been to some very dark places with depression before I got some treatment. I''ve been in ADs for about a year and they do work but they are not ''happy pills'' they take some time to become effective and allow your thoughts to become rational again. In addition to the pills I had CBT which was very effective. Would either one of these treatments have worked in isolation, well I just don''t know, I threw everything available at the illness and it has thankfully worked very well.

LB

I''m exactly with lostboy actually. I too did whatever I could to improve my chances of getting through this.

The qualified opinions I get to manage my own recovery are the most relevant to me in deciding the right course of action. I find it terribly interesting that counselling attracts such questioning on effectiveness . This is what I meant when I said that I find it difficult to post about it here which is a shame but very predictable.

I can only speak about my own experiences and I trust that in some way they are helpful. I know what has worked for me and it''s different for everyone. But give yourself time and get help if and when of think you need it.

I do recommend the Fisher and Alberti book - a friend gave me a copy and a lot of what it contained made sense to me.

In my own case, I felt that I needed help and I used a combination of what I felt was best for me: books, meds and councilling in different combinations. Different aspects of each helped.

I remember the first councilling session which went, ''we don''t offer solutions, we just help you to think through the different ways of understanding or working through the situation''. When I was in a position of not having many people to talk to (or having tired all my friends out), having an impartial (and non-judgemental, which is very important) person to speak to was helpful. Different peoples experiences do differ - but I do encourage just trying things out. For one thing, doing things has the potential to change ones own mindset.

The meds that I took were less ''mind altering'', more ''set point'' raising. What I mean is that they just raised my spirits higher on ''the Y axis'' by a couple of points. I was taking a really low dose, and it was just enought to boost my confidence. Feel free to PM me if you would like more info.

Best,
JJ