Acceptance?

I have come a long way since this horrible situation started. I have sorted out my home and made it more my own, I have amazing friends and have made new friends, am building up a social life and finding regular things to do. It has been a hard 12 months and really did think I was going to sink. But I haven’t – I’m still here to tell the tale!

I do get days when I am really sad over what has happened and sometimes feel lonely. However, I know in my heart that I could never go back to the life I had with my ex husband and that I would never allow him back into my life now. The hurt he caused to me and our families can never be repaired and he is not someone I want to spend my time with now.

I feel as if it’s not about him and missing him anymore, it’s about the way he treated me and the way that has made me feel - this I can’t seem to put right in my head.

So I guess I am getting somewhere near to acceptance maybe? However I keep reading on here that you have to work at acceptance and that it is not just time that will sort this out.

I know this may seem a silly question – but what do you do to work on it? I really don’t want this to affect the rest of my life and I worry that it will. I would like to think that in the future I will be able to trust people again and that maybe someone may come along that I will be able to put my faith in and possibly share my life with. Not for a while yet – but sometime. And hey – if that doesn’t happen – so be it.

I guess I would like to be at peace with it all at some stage.

BP

A good post, BP, and close to my own heart.

I never thought I''d ever recover from what had happened to me, and I still think I was treated despicably and without good reason, and am still fighting my corner in the French divorce courts.

Although I have now made another "friendship" I still wonder why the last disaster ever happened in the first place, and can find no rhyme nor reason for it. Ideally, the clock would be turned back and the chance given to me to try to put right whatever might have been wrong. But upon reflection, and with the insight and support of my new "friend" I have come to realise that perhaps the fault was never mine at all.

So I now accept that what once was is over, am sad for the unnecessary loss and associated heartache, but glad that I still have the capacity to love and be loved again, for all my apparent faults, in a non-judgemental environment. It''s like a breath of fresh air.

Everyone, take heart, this temporary disruption of our lives is not, as I truly believed not that long ago, the end...

Chris

Hi BP.

BrokenPromises wrote:

I feel as if it’s not about him and missing him anymore, it’s about the way he treated me and the way that has made me feel - this I can’t seem to put right in my head.

What may help you is to put this into some sort of context. It doesnt matter what context. But somehow try and explain it to yrself and perhaps learn to live with it.

What I did and how I see it is: My ex is a bad person. She is bad and nasty to everyone. All the people in her life she has betrayed one way or another. And thats including me BTW.

Now what happens to her is of no concern to me.

This last sentance is an acceptance derived statement. When you can say the above and know its true with total certainty, you know that you can explain and understand it. Then you have accepted it.

So I guess I am getting somewhere near to acceptance maybe? However I keep reading on here that you have to work at acceptance and that it is not just time that will sort this out.

Its a work on yrself. Say something enough times and you will believe it. Like admiting your part in things and understanding his part. Write it down. Form those words into structures that mean something to you. And accept it.

I know this may seem a silly question – but what do you do to work on it?

The IT is you. You are the one that has to accept what has gone before. And the way we work on ourselves is admit things. Forgive ourselves. Face things. Like the divorce. Or him or her having an affair.

It helps to understand people. Know that all people are faulty. We all have feet of clay and we can all make mistakes and do things wrong.

There is nothing magic about accepting things. But there is something hard abou facing things. Once we can face them. And know them and believe them to our very core, we have accepted it.

There is one final jigsaw puzzle piece to do with acceptance. And we have had this debate many times. That is forgivness. We need to forgive ourselves, let the guilt go. And forgive the other person. Many struggle with the last one. And I can understand why. It kinda sticks in my craw to forgive that b****h for what she did to me. But until I did, I didnt find peace.

I really don’t want this to affect the rest of my life and I worry that it will.

There is nothing you cant have or do in life. You could be an astronaut or a crane driver or a ships captain. Everything that someone else has done before (and things that they have not done) you can do. There are no physical limits. The only limits that exists are within you. If you decide that this wont affect you. Then it wont. But of course, if you wanted to go to the moon on a rocket, you would need to know where the moon is and how to get there in a rocket. So deciding that you wont be affected by this involves some work. And acceptance is just part of that work set. The rest is down to how determined you are.

I would like to think that in the future I will be able to trust people again

And here is the dificulty. Once you realise that all things including people are not perfect, you may realise that the inperferction within them means that you cant trust them. I hit the switch for the kettle. The meter may have run out or the power has been cut. I get the train into work and it may not turn up or the car wont start. I tell my mate to meet me at so and so and she dont turn up. We cant put faith into things that can go wrong.

But what do we do? If we cant trust anything?

We carry on. But we do this in the knowledge that it or they can not do what we expect them too all the time. And then if they do fail, its not a big surprise.

and that maybe someone may come along that I will be able to put my faith in and possibly share my life with. Not for a while yet – but sometime. And hey – if that doesn’t happen – so be it.

There is nothing wrong with this request. You was in a relationship before and you want to again. There were things you liked about it. And we are able to function as 2 as well as 1.

But being with someone carries risk. The risk being that they will do the same thing to you as the last person did. And a relationship of any kind is a leap of faith in that you have to be able to build some sort of trust with them otherwise you cant function. You wouldnt be even to go to the cinema or a pub walk along the sand. So there needs to be trust. But just a small amount and never trust anyone or anything completely.

But you can de-risk a new relationship. And that is by investigating them. Leopards have spots. All over them. And they dont change. Leopards have those spots for all there lives. And its the same with people. We are what we are and thats that. And I have to guess yr not 19 right? So anyone you meet will come with a history. And you can look at that history. If there is anything in that history that you dont like, bin them. But of course you have to be strong enough to walk away. But the good news is that now yr older. You have a few battle scars and you know a lot more then when you were starry eyed and falling for some guy years ago. And you have to learn to be ruthless. They have to earn the right to be with you. And that means that there CV has to be stacked to the rafters with goodness. No dodgy moves in there. It all has to be pure John Travolta. And you will kiss lots of frogs. But do this right sister and you could land a bargain.

I guess I would like to be at peace with it all at some stage.

And now we are back to forgiveness. Forgiveness of yrself and the person that did this to you. Self forgiveness you wont have much of a problem with. But forgiveness of the ex, that will be tough. But understand that this forgiveness is not offered to yr ex. You hang onto it. You never tell the ex that they are forgiven. They dont deserve it. But you forgive them in yr heart. And its all for you.

When all the pieces of the jigsaw are in place then you reach a place of peace. You can look back on all that you have done and all the doubt that you had has gone. You know with total certainty that you did the right thing and you believe in you. You are stronger than you have ever been and you wont suffer fools.

And one day, you will wake up and you will realise, "you know what? I havent thought about you in such a long time".

I was told that years ago by someone. I never thought it would be me. But it was one day. I am that person that woke up realising that I hadnt thought about her in a long time.

Lastly, this lot is a lot of work. It can and does take years. It took me about a year or so before I could say those words to myself. I forgive you. The words would stick in my throat. But eventually I could say them. And now that I can, for me, its over.

But there are huge rewards if you do make it too the end. You will perhaps be at peace and feeling totally cool with yrself for maybe the 1st time in your life. Or perhaps not for a long while at least. And you will at least be past all of this nonsense. But all of this is within your grasp. Its yr life and its upto you what you do with it. C.

BP , I could have written that word for word .
I am in the same place as you .
But today for some reason I feel liberated .
I will be supporting my family by myself ( with a pittance of help from CM )
I will be bringing up my kids pretty much on my own and I am so proud of them and how they have handled this .
My daughter was captain of the school girls cricket team and they won the Asda qwikcricket county tournament today .
What a proud moment .
I know I can do this and on my own .
I don''t need or want Him in my life and although he sees the kids ,I am Mum and I have their respect and unconditional love .
I don''t want anyone else in my life at the moment ,I am enjoying being in control and not having to worry about someone else and what they think.
Maybe one day I will meet someone but for the moment I am content on my own .
I will never forgive Him but can move on without having to .
I am sad too some days , it''s my 19th wedding anniversary tomorrow , but hey , who knows what the future will bring .

sorry but a recent study found that dads love can be more influential than yours. Kids an go down hill without it and thrive with it.

So please dont sound like he has no right to love them and they have no right to get it. They do - and that right will soon overpower you in a court of law (when the law changes soon)

The truth is your children wouldn''t be there without him. so at least respect him for that, rather than the I dont need a man " attitude - because hey guess what you DID and you DO!

Im not having a pop. I just get sick of posts like this where the dad is dissed and theres no need for it when it comes to the kids.

I expect to get told off for it - because I am not other members who can say what they want and get away with it

It''s nice to hear about the cricket - well done to her

Hi BP - I feel just the same too! Another brilliant response from Marshy.

I don''t quite understand wmorris2''s comments though as I can''t see anything in scaryspice''s post that says her ex doesn''t have a right to love his kids - am I missing something here?!

Children need their fathers, they are half of their fathers, they have looks, qualities, good and bad of their fathers.

My daughters do not see their father. So sad, in fact I heard my 21 year old (who got her degree yesterday) say to her 16 year old sister that she has forgotten about her dad (obviously she hasn''t because she said that) and it made me sad that she could not share her excellent degree news with him.

Sad, that my ex (our 3 daughters''s father) is unable to have a relationship with the girls if I am not with him. He always said if I left him he would be unable to have a relationship with the girls because they would remind him of me and perhaps thats why I stayed in a serial cheating relationship for as long as I did.

Finally, I divorced him and he has kept to his promise and the minimal contact any of the girls have had has not gone down very well. Basically, their father has a new life now which does not include his 3 daughters.

So I have to be enough for them to share in their laughter and sadness and everything else in between. Emotionally and financially it is very very hard and when the Courts step up for fathers to have a decent relationship with their children I also hope it does something to ensure fathers have a relationship with their children following divorce.

It is a selfish act to abandon children following divorce as the children, no matter what age suffer believing there is something wrong with them, which is unfair and detrimental to their future.