Day in Bristol

This day feels significant. Probably because I myself feel so insignificant. It is my first day completely alone since all of this began. She has taken our son out for the day. So, I had a hospital appointment in Bristol. Up at 7. Train to Bristol. Hospital. Then...day at my disposal...nothing I have not experienced already. But it feels so different today. Like it''s the first day of many days alone. I wanted to go straight home after stepping out onto the street. Wanted to cry. Felt lost in this place. No anchor. No son to look after. No wife to care where I am or what I''m doing. A sense of terror is what I felt.

So I went to the museum. I couldn''t stay five minutes. She met her new guy in a bloody museum...mind movie time...had to get out. Sat on a bench in a park. Cried a little. Went into a coffee shop. Haven''t eaten all day. Cheese and marmite panini, yoghurt, mint tea. Sit at table. We often came to coffee shops together with our son. After eating I feel a bit better. Like I can stay here a bit longer and not panic. But not looking forward to the train journey home. She got the train each day to London.

I''m telling myself today is not about me ENJOYING the day. It''s about me GETTING THROUGH it. I know that''s pessimistic - but it''s an achievable goal at least. When my thoughts are not on her they are panicking, trying to scrabble about for a purpose, a direction for my life. In many ways, she gave me that direction. I''m lost without it. I''m an insignificant non-entity here. Nobody cares what I do or who I am...can I learn to be ok with that? Not today.

Hi there samchik, you can do this, you really can.

You should have seen my first post, when my Ex took our daughter away over night for the first time. I was beside myself, determined not to text all the time, unable to settle or do anything nice for me. In the end I read a book in the bath and had an early night.

It is so very hard, but as time goes by you start to find your feet.

I am hopeless, and useless at taking the wonderful advice on here about doing things for myself during the times I am alone. I have a need to do things so that I am not ''alone'' so I work, clean, sort things out, or read. (I have read so many books since this all started)

Start off small. Don''t try to fill your whole day, unless you have family or friends you can visit. Find a series of jobs you can do, you won''t be able to concentrate for long so don''t overburden yourself.

Good luck with it all.

Next time you are in Bristol, go to Hotel du Vin and and a lovely long drink and read the paper. Lovely chilled out place.

Every new ''first'' that you do is likely to both significant and difficult, whether it is the first time going to a supermarket, the cinema, or having to spend the day on your own. The fact is that you''ve either done it and you''re doing it. Even though it will feel crappy right now, that''s the brain adjusting and changing... and it means that the next time that you''re going through that stuff means that it''ll be that little bit slightly easier.

Also, good on you for the realisation that it is about getting through. Enjoyment is something that will come to you, and is on the distant horizon, and that is a promise (another wiki offered me a similar promise a year or so back - I didn''t believe them at the time, but this was a promise that was certainly true). But for the time being, keep putting one step in front of the other.

Another thought is that you''ve got to let your ex make a mess of her own life, and that may well be her making a decision to mess everything up. Well, that''s her decision.

My former landlady (who was a wise old woman) once said to me, ''you want revenge right?'' (if you''re not angry now, it will come, in time...) I said, ''of course''. ''Well, just the best possible life you can''. I''m choosing to do that every day, but getting to that point where are able to make that choice takes lots ''new things'', to create new memories and to create the distance between your old life and your new life.

Best,
JJ

Sam

There''s been many-a-day when I''ve felt that insignificance and there are day''s where I still do.
But I just get on with it the best I can, because time and tide waits for no-one.

The one person who does care is your little man, cause your his daddy. And from what you''ve written so far, your a good''un.

On a lighter note.....cheese and marmite panini....eww!

It''ll get better samchick.. honest - small comfort to you now, I know, but just take it one day at a time and give yourself credit for getting this far!
Hope the hospital appointment went ok for you?

and sorry have to agree with previous poster... ''cheese and marmite''????

Hi Samchick.

samchik wrote:

I''m telling myself today is not about me ENJOYING the day. It''s about me GETTING THROUGH it. I know that''s pessimistic - but it''s an achievable goal at least. When my thoughts are not on her they are panicking, trying to scrabble about for a purpose, a direction for my life. In many ways, she gave me that direction. I''m lost without it. I''m an insignificant non-entity here. Nobody cares what I do or who I am...can I learn to be ok with that? Not today.

Yr lost. Lots of us were at one time.

I tried going to the pictures. Sat watching the film. Couldnt get into it and left. 10 mins tops I was there.

I tried the seaside. Left it a bit late to go. Stayed about 30 mins and left.

Went out for meals. Couldn''t hardly taste anything. Sat outside and thought to myself , no one knows I am here. No one cares if I live or die.

All sorts of things happened to me. And this happens to lots of people. Right now you are lost. And you have this huge hole in yr life. But one day, you will be somewhere and you will see someone that was like you. Lost. And you will recognise it when you see it cos you were there once.

In time you wont feel this way. In time you will be like the guy I saw in Costa. He was sure of himself. Knew what he wanted. Was confident. But he was alone. Now, I am that man and you will be one day. Keep the faith. Live each day. You **will** get thru this. C.

You''re doing better than you think. Be careful not to over think or over analyze. Try to live in the present and find small things and small moments to enjoy.

I agree with Marshy when he says you will get through this. There is no question in my mind. Like he said, this is a promise.

So put one foot in front of the other. Take care of yourself. Put yourself first.

My kids are at Disney this week and I went on a solo six hour drive through the mountains to visit my aunt. I was so happy on the drive. it reminded me of my 20s when I did that sort of thing all the time. I felt free. Now, I miss my kids like crazy. Don''t get me wrong. But I am adjusting to the new life and what it looks like. I got a text from my wife today and she was complaining about the hotel they''re at. Again, I felt free. Not my problem or issue. So free.

So, you''ll get there. It''s just early for you.

Take good care.