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  • Marshy_
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13 Apr 12 #323492 by Marshy_
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Sam. You know yr gonna backslide. And thats good. Over the last couple of days I have become more and more impressed with yr progress. And this is how it goes. You get some good days and not so good days. But what I want you todo today is take a picture. This picture should be of the last couple of days. And when you are having a bad day, bring out this mental picture of these 2 days. And tell yourself that **yes** you will get past this and you have done allrighty.

Now I have a feeling why you are having a good time all of a sudden. Its because she is getting some. And you are getting a little pay back. Which is cool right? But its not the best basis to feel good long term. Because in theory, she wont always have bad days. She will be like you. Up and down. So what you have todo is base yr happiness on you. Not her. She wont mean dick to you bruv. Okies? C.

  • soulruler
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13 Apr 12 #323500 by soulruler
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Amazing isn''t it that when they find that their attempts to pull power over you and make you feel worthless and guilty begin to slide that all of a sudden you see the true them (and the true you) emerging out of the marital fog.

Perhaps you can begin to see that being a self analysing and academic person doesn''t mean that you have to spend your entire life in self analysis believing that you have to continually strive to make yourself better in order to satisfy others.

People cannot change who they fundamentally are.

I now realise that I am an academic (despite failing really at school after the age of 12 and being "expelled" at 13).

I am interested in so many topics and love to get involved in debates. What I failed to notice during my marriage was that my husband was not (just went along pretending since which point many people told me that we didn''t talk - well I had varied opinions and he just went along in public and crucified me in private).

I can see that you and your current (hopefully soon to be ex) partner are just so many poles apart that you believed that you were very similar.

I do not believe though that she didn''t know just how capable you were and how incapable she was.

I wonder have you noticed during your relationship with her just how often she needed you to bolster up her ego and also how often she showed great fear of any tiny change? This was something I noticed with my husband and I now realise it was because he didn''t have the ability to work things out for himself and relied 100% on me to do that for him.

Academically he was not bright, I used to think that didn''t matter and maybe often it doesn''t. However, I think that long term that doesn''t make for a happy union.

I great male friend told me that his father said "fxxk the mind not the body". I look back and realise that my husband wanted to Fxxk both.

Oh well.

  • Marshy_
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13 Apr 12 #323506 by Marshy_
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Seeing as we talking about ex''s. My ex expected me to just fall apart and beg her to stay with me. Thats just not me. I dont beg for anything.

She had the affair and when it came out, fair enough it took me right down. Although I suspected that she had affairs during our marriage, I didnt think that she would ever want to get rid of me for someone else. And that hurt.

She turned the kids against me by some very clever manipulation. And I guessed I helped her by doing the wrong things and being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

But I dont think that she ever expected me to recover and do as well as I have done.

I have seen my ex a few times over the years. Not to speak to mind. And I have stood behind her BF in the checkout once. To say he was shocked is an understatement. And I cannot lie. I did find that it made me feel good. But all the times I have seen her, I think to myself, what a mess you are. I am no oil painting. But I think I have fared better than she has.

So what does this mean? It means that to do better or recover or get past this is the best feeling in the world. And I wont lie, I am what I am because of what happened to me. Some people say that their cancer has defined them. I am defined by my separation and subsequent divorce. Ok it wasnt good that I lost access to the kids. But they were step kids. And I know now that its rare to keep access to the step kids and they are always going to side with mum. But that part of it still hurts a bit. But you dont get everything in life. C.

  • Canuck425
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13 Apr 12 #323516 by Canuck425
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Sam, so glad to hear you''re having a better day. I know what you mean by seeing your wife in a mess. For me, it evoked pity.

I agree with Marshy that, eventually, you will be hopefully getting your happiness from within and not from external sources like your wife''s condition. But for now, take it! Great response BTW on her comment to you. Sexy is 100% in the mind. If you know you are then indeed you are.

My wife has said to me many times "you''ll have no problems finding someone". I just say "I know, because I''m awesome". It''s true too.

I am faring much better than her. She''s a mess. But I don''t get comfort out of that (well maybe some). At least I don''t want to get comfort out of that. I want to be the best I can be and I truly wish for her to be happy. I just don''t think she has it in her to be happy. She''s just not that type of person.

Sam - it seems to me like your waking up. Your journey seems similar to mine. As you awake take a long look around. Notice how good your life can be. Take stock of your marriage over the last few years. Would you really want that back?!

You are doing very well. Take good care.

  • jjones123
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13 Apr 12 #323555 by jjones123
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Just another message of support...

She left because you think about stuff, in just the kind of way that everyone else does? Man, she''s deluded... And to throw you curveballs of manipulative lines.

But sleeping that long after dealing with all this stuff means that you''re doing pretty well.


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