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  • ConfusedDad
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11 May 12 #329893 by ConfusedDad
Topic started by ConfusedDad
Sure this topic must have come up before but what are people''s thoughts on reconciliation and specifically the chances of it happening?

My wife (we''re separated and she''s living on her own) is currently in a relationship with a guy from work which started around the beginning of December. I know she is infatuated and he''s giving her all the affection I didn''t so at the moment I know there''s no chance, but I don''t want to give up.

I don''t because I know the reason she left me was because I didn''t make her feel loved from an affectionate perspective and I now know I can as I now realise how much I am in love with her. Our relationship has been great apart from that, even she thinks so, but without affection it wasn''t enough. I also don''t want our daughter growing up without our family together, it hurts me do much to think of the short time we''ve had together as a family and how she''ll forget what it was like (she''s nearly 3).

We get on well, she says she cares for me and to be honest as we are going to be parents to our daughter forever the better we get on the easier it will be in the long run.

So any success stories, ways to approach it,advice or reality checks would be gratefully received :-)

  • Bobbinalong
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11 May 12 #329894 by Bobbinalong
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I think maybe the reality check.
You''ve been seperated since december, she is with another guy? summer is coming....
If your amicable, be thankful for small mercy''s and time to move on and plan your life. She fell out of love with you a long time ago, reconciliation is a rare thing, a special thing granted, but something that the two people want to do, in reality, its rare.
As humans once we have realised that we dont want to be with a certain person and we cant gain anything from being with them, and not just materialistically, we move on, and move them on.
Thing about friends your not that bothered about, and they are the same, you might contact them a couple of times a year but other than that you just dont bother, but you havent fallen out.
Friends you do care about, you contact maybe every day or once a week, because you both want to.
When couples stop seeing each other, its good if it stays amicable, but thats the best you can hope for, it also depends how long and what connects you as a couple you have been seeing each other, bf and gf of a couple of months may part and get over it in a few days, get married, have kids and buy a house, its a different story, one still wants rid of the other asap but its going to take an amount of time for the dust to settle.

  • hawaythelads
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11 May 12 #329895 by hawaythelads
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For me once you know they have had sex with someone else there''s no going back.there''s no compromise on that because they have chosen to share the most intimate of acts with someone else whilst married to you.
Absolute deal breaker for me. If she has done it because you showed her no affection then that proves it even more.you never felt anything for her truly.ok now shes gone you think you really love her because youve had the bat and ball taken away.but when you had the bat and ball you left it in the corner and never paid it any attention.you just want what you know you can''t have now.
If you do get back together you,ll fall back into your normal laziness about the relationship.you can''t fake love.if you met a woman you really loved you wouldn''t even have to try to show affection it just happens.
I''d stay split up as you say the kids only 3 and if she''s used to seeing dad every other weekend that will be herroutine and she will be happy.
all the best

  • donkler
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11 May 12 #329896 by donkler
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Then there is the fake, one sided reconciliation. My wife came back under false pretences, never tried to make us work - it was all me trying to get things going.

It has to be a two way thing.

I had to go to her for a kiss, cuddle, sex, hand hold, never her coming to me!

I put a stop to things 5 months in, fed up with her stopping out all night etc. Whilst I lay in bed wondering, it was torture. Now unfortunately im trying to get rid of her as she wont move out the MH. :angry:

Good luck if it does happen, but also be wary, I fished for reconciliation posts on here last year, think I found 1 positive report amongst several warnings, and I still ignored them all.

Good luck, hope you are an exception.

  • raybird
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11 May 12 #329903 by raybird
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i agree with the others, she s been with her new bloke for 5 months, you didnt show her any affection ? apparentley i hated ITS daughter, that was news to me ! time to let go and move on xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  • NoWhereToTurnl
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11 May 12 #329908 by NoWhereToTurnl
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I really wish you all the luck in the world that you find happiness again.

It is very difficult to turn back the clock, to forget what has happened. I have no doubt you will be able to forgive but when trust has been broken it takes with it a part of you that you will never get back.

If your wife was living alone and not seeing another man, perhaps you could have suggested marriage guidance counselling, though I doubt she would agree now. Please do not shoulder all the blame for the break up, it takes two to make a marriage and two to break it. As she is still married, she is technically committing adultery, presuming there is a sexual relationship.

I took my ex back, he denied any sexual relationship, saying they were just work friends, 2 years later I discovered he had put money into a house she bought and even introduced himself as the OW''s partner! Life became impossible, I had a nervous breakdown and he left the FMH 18 months later, we were finally divorced 2 years after that.

I like you, tried to cling onto my marriage, it was 30 yrs + in length but by sticking my head in the sand and refusing to accept blinding proof I allowed my health to suffer, my self esteem to be crushed and depression to take over my life. I was also 6 years older.

It has taken me 5 years to pull my life back in order and just when I thought I was doing well he crushed me again by stopping my SM (thats another story). The "Black Dog" returned but I am determined not to let him control my life again.

I did not do well in the divorce settlement due to illness and a solicitor who did not fight my corner. It is good that you are amicable, try to keep it that way but please get expert legal advise. I now have a new solicitor who has given me faith and courage to stand up for what is rightfully mine.

Sorry if that is not what you wanted, please dont allow yourself to be used as a door mat & PM me if you want more information.

Best wishes & stay strong.

  • Marshy_
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11 May 12 #329917 by Marshy_
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What I am about to say you will probably not like. But I understand yr sentiments. But I dont think it will work. For these reasons:

She has moved on and in with someone else. She is all loved up and supposed to be getting all that she needs. A new relationship a new start for her. It dont always work out that way. But hey.

By pining for her and holding a torch for her you are selling yrself short. Sure you say that you didnt show her affection. But rarely is that enough for someone to leave. Unless that person is prone to making snap decisions that is.

You dont know why she left you. You only have her word for it. And you cant trust someone''s word. Esp in situations like this.

Look, I know this is going to be a hard pill to swallow, but you are better off letting her go. Learn the lessons from your relationship, get over her and start again.

Of course she wants to be nice to you. You have a child. And she will want to remain civil to you because of that. Are you confusing this friendship she has with you with affection?

It could also be that she is being nice to you becuase your her backup plan. If it all goes pete tong with mr golden balls she can always come back to you. So she will keep you sweet. Until she is done with you and then you will see a side to her that will shock you. You will just be in the way then.

I know how hard it is to let someone go. And we mostly are very bad at saying goodbuy. But in this case, this is what you have todo. As otherwise you will be wasting your time and life on something that is never going to show returns. Strike out on your own. With someone new. When you are ready of course.

I want ask you a personal question. I will PM you. C.

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