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Can we live like this....

  • bobbeckit
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21 Jun 12 #338099 by bobbeckit
Topic started by bobbeckit
Hi All,

My wife recently told me that she no longer felt the same way about me and said our marriage was over.

There have been many tears shed by both of us over the last few weeks. She has made it clear that there is no going back although I really would like to try and repair our relationship.

In a kind of knee jerk reaction I started to look into divorce to see what arrangements were needed to get the ball rolling. Things got a bit overwhelming when we started to look into the detail, and since then we have taken stock of things and decided it would make better financial sense to pay down some loans and credit cards before divorcing. This will take around 12 months.

At present my wife and I are spending different nights away from the home with our parents, but I am concerned the kids are going to think this is odd in a minute. However, on the plus side I do feel this is better than telling them about our situation. They are 5, 7 and 12.

My question is do any of you think that this is a workable situation, and could it actually help restore our relationship? We still hug each other (this does lead to tears on occaision), but helps with the pain of the split. Or is this just prolonging the pain of what might be inevitable?

As said the only problem we have is that my wife states she no longer feels the same about me as she did.

Grateful for any views on this....



  • Mitchum
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21 Jun 12 #338136 by Mitchum
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Hi Bob,

Is it workable and will it mend the relationship are two very different issues.

Any arrangement which suits the two of you can work if it''s handled with respect and with transparency. I can see that it could work unless and until one of you wants a new relationship - or has she already found one?

The children are going to start asking questions soon. In fact the older one has probably worked it out already.

Will it mend the relationship? I hope it does if that is at all possible. Breaking up a family is an awful experience however well handled.

Have you thought of counselling either as a couple or just for you? Although she says she doesn''t feel the same about you, there seems to be a great deal of regret at the thought of going your separate ways.

Hope you find a solution to this dilemma.

  • Marshy_
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21 Jun 12 #338140 by Marshy_
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Hi Bob.

This is a great opportunity to start sneaking up on seperation. And in yr case, I would cut the hugs out as this will just prolong the agony.

As for the kids, they will know. At least the 12 YO will. So you have a choice. I would sit them down and tell them.

When I was young, my sister and her hubby was seperating. My mum and dad hid it from me. And I was about 12 or 13. I could never understand why they never told me. Did they think I wasnt adult enough at 12 to be able to handle this? Think on that one.

Lastly, if you are thinking about winning her back, then you should show her what she will be missing. Its not like anyone has done the dirty on each other right? So in theory, there is something to be saved.

How I would go about this is this: Act like yr seperated. Live seperate lives. No hugs. No affection. Nothing. Be nice to the kids. In other words, act like she wasnt there. Ok be civil. But all the nice things you used to do for her stop. That includes cooking and cups of tea and putting her fave prog on the telly for her.

This will show her what its actualy like to be separated from you. This will do one of two things. She will either realise that she cant be without you and work out a plan to win you back, or... It will end things. Things are ending anyway. So you have nothing to lose. C.

  • bobbeckit
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22 Jun 12 #338299 by bobbeckit
Reply from bobbeckit
Thanks for the responses.

It is odd, I do feel quite close to my wife at the moment, but I am not sure if this is because we are both grieving for the relationship, or because we really do feel we have another shot at this.

For her the big problem is the pain I have caused her by years of neglect and lack of attention.

I do truely feel that I have changed over the last few months and now realise how unhappy I was.

It feels that the hugs and physical contact our helping rebuild our affection, but I can still see the pain in my wifes eyes.

It''s so difficult to know what to do for the best as I really see this as a last chance for maybe getting my relationship on track, and whilst she is not pushing me away this can only be a good thing.



  • hawaythelads
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22 Jun 12 #338308 by hawaythelads
Reply from hawaythelads
Who suggested nights away from the house separately?
Has she got her mobile phone superglued to her
Is her email phone all of a sudden password protected

Because she already ticked Two boxes for an affair
The old I don''t feel I love u anymore u neglected me line
Second box tick you can pay off a load of our debt prior to separating.

Just to make you aware.
You won''t listen but I will be right.
Paterns of behaviou that''s the give away.
All the best
Pete x

  • bobbeckit
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22 Jun 12 #338313 by bobbeckit
Reply from bobbeckit
Hi Pete,

The nights away are with her mother and I know for sure that she is there in the evenings, and not going out. I have called her on a number of occasions on the landline for different things at different times, and she has always been there.

I am 99.9% sure that there isn''t a 3rd party in the relationship. She would not be able to lie to me without me noticing.

I am sure that I know her well enough to know that 1. she wouldnt do that to me, and 2. if there was someone else she would have had to say.

So with that point out the way I would be interested on your thoughts.

  • afonleas
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22 Jun 12 #338319 by afonleas
Reply from afonleas
Sorry BOB to rain on your parade as they say,

I was with my husband for nearly 32 years and thought i knew him better than myself,and like yourself phoned home differant times due to my shift pattern and i did not suspect a thing,so a total bolt out of the blue that he had been seeing
Rent-a-bike for 6 mths,i would also say that if he was lying i would have known,but now i know if his mouth was open, He was Lying.

Hopefully this is not the case in your situation but you are asking for opinions and like already said above,your eldest will already know so maybe you should do them the courtesey of trying to explain somewhat!!!

Hopefully things will work outfor you certainly hope so
Take care
Love and cwtchs........Afon

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