Can we live like this....

Hi Bob,
I am not sure why you are paying off your debts, is you wife paying her share of them ?As it stands these debts will be part of the assets/liabilities that would be divided, there''s little point in busting your ar$3 to pay them off.
You also need to spend time making sure that your relationship with your children is as strong as possible.

Have you suggested Relate or othe councilling ?

The living situation you are in can be workable but for how long I don''t know, it can be mentally very exhausting and ultimatly that can be detremental to your health.

I doubt simply living in the same house is going to help in any way, in fact over time she may well come to resent your presence in the house.
As much as you may wish to block it out, Pete may well be on the money with his assessment, and there are plenty of us here who have seen the pattern of behaviour he describes.

LB

I was with mine 35 years and thought I knew him really well. For the last 7 I knew he was deeply unhappy, having some kind of breakdown and put all my effort into supporting him through it. And hey ho, guess what, he was having an affair all that time - more in the mind than in bed (though bedding certainly occurred), but a betrayal all the same and it just never occurred to me to suspect.

Hi Bob... Pete has a point.

bobbeckit wrote:

I am 99.9% sure that there isn''t a 3rd party in the relationship. She would not be able to lie to me without me noticing.

Dont be so sure. People can lie without you noticing. Lying comes second nature to some people. And we tend to believe anything our loved ones tell us. I know that you think that she is different and that you are. But when an affair comes out and it turns out she lied, no one is more surprised than we are. And we are not so different. You will learn this.

I thought my ex was a sweet honest thing. Except there was nothing sweet or honest about her. She fleeced me for 12 years and was going behind my back at every opportunity. And the lies rolled out of her mouth. And the most nice sweet person can be cruel and nasty when pushed. Many will tell you this.

I am sure that I know her well enough to know that 1. she wouldnt do that to me, and 2. if there was someone else she would have had to say.

No I disagree with you. She could do this to you. I doubt that you will know her. No one knows someone well enough to know what they are thinking. Be careful. Never assume that someone is on yr side.

I am not dissing yr wife. Or you for that matter. Its just that I have heard the "My wife would never lie to me or do this to me" so many times. Look around you. Read what other people say.

She could be having an affair and you wouldnt know about it. Honest. You wouldnt. As you trust her completely. She could be meeting someone at her mums for instance. Or chatting on the phone. There are thousands of ways to conduct an affair covertly.

Me? I dont know if your wife is having an affair or not. But you will find out one or another in time. If she is, she will magicly and suddenly have met someone very soon. Then you will know. But as I said, we will see.

But assuming that she is not having an affair, treating her like you are no longer an item, will show her what she is missing. And provided she hasnt moved onto someone new, you will be in with a chance. But you have to be prepared to lose her to win her back. Perhaps some time apart will help. Perhaps not. But what ever you do, dont cling to her. This is the worse possible thing to do. There is nothing worse than someone trying to cling to something that is over with. That is from her point of view that is. You on the other hand will try and pressure her to take you back. Give you another chance and show her you have changed. But dont do this. Dont push her or pressure her. Putting pressure on her will just push her further and further away.

Bottom line Marshy style. If you are meant to be with her you will be. If you are not, then you wont. So just back off. Leave her be and assume that its over. That way you are covering all the bases. Hope this helps. C.

I understand what you guys are saying about the affair, but I have been in other relationships where this has happened and I think I would know by now.

I do honestly believe she would have told me, and I know the way the rumours run around the family with the sister in law, and brother in law''s that one of them would have let it slip by now.

I think there is a small glimmer of hope and as Marshy has said the best way to go maybe to continue as if all is over, and see where this ends up going.

Bob.

I am sure that I know her well enough to know that 1. she wouldnt do that to me, and 2. if there was someone else she would have had to say.

Hahahahahahahahaha! Whoo, that was a good one.

Ok, so I''m not saying there is someone else because you haven''t quite given us enough info. Like Pete says two boxes are ticked. I don''t love you anymore and you neglected me (all your fault - the blame game). So, like Pete said, is her phone super glued to her? Are there new passwords on her email and phone? Is she spending hours talking and texting where she never did before? If yes then I guarantee there is someone new. If not, then you have a shot at being right.

But can she do that to you? Oh yes. I won''t bother with my story but let''s just say it can happen and there is a script they follow...

I agree. 25 years together and I thought I knew him .
He lied and was seeing her at work .How would I ever find out ?
Even work colleagues didn''t suspect ,just thought they were talking about work.
He would never cheat on his wife !!!
I had the ''I''m not in love with you '' and the I''ve be miserable for years ''
Textbook stuff.
I hope we are all wrong .xx

Who suggested nights away from the house separately?
Has she got her mobile phone superglued to her
Is her email phone all of a sudden password protected

Because she already ticked Two boxes for an affair
The old I don''t feel I love u anymore u neglected me line
Second box tick you can pay off a load of our debt prior to separating.

Just to make you aware.
You won''t listen but I will be right.
Paterns of behaviou that''s the give away.
All the best
Pete x