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I thought I was doing ok today :(

  • Kazzabell80
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30 Aug 12 #352871 by Kazzabell80
Topic started by Kazzabell80
Well, I found out the day before yesterday that he has just bought a new car.

I was gutted. Why was I so gutted? Possibly because it is the sort of big money decision that we usually would have made together. The fact that I had no say in him choosing it really hurts. I know, it is as rediculous as it sounds. I had such a bad evening, sobbed my heart out, couldn''t eat and sleep once again.

He says that he has done a straight swap with his old car and that it hasn''t cost him a penny extra (this is obviously quite important as we haven''t sorted out our finances etc).

Anyway, I have just received a text from my daughter showing him washing his ''new car'' at the FMH. She is obviously excited about Daddy''s new car and wanted to share it with me. But my stomach went into my mouth and I feel like blubbing again. I know that if I don''t get this out then I will be a wreck again this evening.

He has shown no emotion since he left saying that everything is still the same only that he doesn''t live with me and the children and we don''t have a relationship anymore (although there is nothing to say that we can''t build a relationship in the future!?).

I asked him about mediation this morning before I left for work (he said that he was going to be looking into it this week while he had the week off). He said that there is no rush to finalise everything just yet but it will need sorting at some point. What does that mean?

He is completely screwing with my head with his ''we are definately over, but you just never know'' attitude.

  • taff45
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30 Aug 12 #352875 by taff45
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Oh Kazzabell I can really understand exactly what you are going through. Today is also a weepy one for me - so sorry you are in the same boat - know you are not alone as we paddle to stay afloat.

It`s so hard when there are children involved as you are attached still because of the children. I know too how hard it is seeing their other lives and no longer being a part of it. I have just dropped my children off at my husbands flat and seeing it and his new place / life has me in floods again and is very painful.

I too am really struggling with the "it`s over but you never now" aspect of this. It would be so much easier if I could just cut him out of my heart.

Take comfort in knowing you are not alone, keep posting and keep taking baby steps to a better future.

Take care.

  • downland
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30 Aug 12 #352878 by downland
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Sorry you are both having a hard time of it, I think the ''maybe but maybe not'' attitude is controlling and harsh. And how ''everything is still the same'' when you have gone through a major lifechanging event defeats me .......

Hard though it is, take control of your lives and build something for yourselves. You may be very surprised at the boost this will give you, and the kick in the pants the other side will get in seeing you walk tall, and if you still dont feel so positive inside, that will come with time.

  • Kazzabell80
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30 Aug 12 #352898 by Kazzabell80
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Well I managed to last until I got home and he left until I just burst like a dam - the neighbours must have thought I looked like a right sight sobbing and trying to hang the washing on the line :unsure::unsure:

I just got off Skype with my Dad. Been on there for an hour and a half. I love my Dad, he is so full of the right things to say - not just words to placate me, but wise words and sound advice. I am just gutted they (my family) live so far away and I can''t get to them.

I do feel much better, than I did 2 hours ago that is for sure. Eyes are puffy and tired (and I certainly don''t look better, but inside I feel better!).

I am going to the solicitor tomorrow (one of the few things left in my world at the moment that I do have control over). Not really sure if it is the best move in case I scare him away even more. I know that it is something that I need to do to protect myself and our children. I know that he will hit the roof if he gets a solicitors letter but he hasn''t been mindful of the complete devastation that he has inflicted on me for the past two months.

Perhaps it will even bring him back down to earth with a bump as I feel that he is living in an alternate reality at the moment - at home with Mum looking after him, coming and going when he pleases, drinking with the lads, his new car, seeing his kids and dogs like nothing has happened. Except something has happened, something potentially catastrophic and I really don''t think that he can see it, he is acting like nothing has changed.

He says that he doesn''t want to lose me as a friend but friends don''t treat each other like this.

Taff45 - cutting them out of our lives would be too easy! Baby steps are the only thing that I can manage at the moment. But I know I am not the only one going through this hell at the moment. I will be thinking of you this evening x

I think that it was Canuck that said on another post that it would get worse before it gets better, just not sure how much more I can take.

Downland - it is harsh. It is harsh and unnecessary. It is like they want to keep the door open just that little bit just in case. The rediculous thing is that I would welcome him back with open arms and never let him go :(

I am trying to walk tall. But at the moment I don''t seem to be able to get through a whole day without becoming a mess at some point. I either start very strong and positive and finish a complete wreck....or I start a complete wreck and finish off ok.

I just want it to STOP.

  • mag
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30 Aug 12 #352901 by mag
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oh kazza!

my wife didnt even care when i bought a car (admittedly around 6 weeks before she dropped the i want to leave you bomb). your OH doesn''t realise what he''s missing!

the will he wont he mindgames are totally unfair on you. as others have said, you''ve got to try and focus on you, dont let his indecision put your life on hold! if your feeling that the solicitor is the right thing to do, then commit and go for it.

have you thought about setting some boundaries re the FMH? as he''s not living there, its not his home - not until he commits to coming back properly. that should be a bit of a wake up call

i know how you feel about wanting to welcome him back, i feel the same about my wife. time will out and whatever happens i am sure that it will eventually get better. :)

keep your head up girl (((((hugs))))))

  • Kazzabell80
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30 Aug 12 #352907 by Kazzabell80
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I did actually ask him for his key (and his mother''s :angry:) last Sat, but he refused saying that as he is still paying the mortgage he should have a key. Plus it is convenient at the moment for the kids and dogs - less disruption etc. So I could see his point.

That is awful about your wife not caring when you bought your new car (hugs). We are both into our cars and so a new car has always a time of excitment, perhaps that is why this whole thing has upset me so much :blush:

  • Crumpled
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30 Aug 12 #352914 by Crumpled
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Hi Kazza........I am so sorry you are feeling so low i do understand especially about OH making big decisions which really is hurtful because it is almost like they are rubbing it into us about their new lives.

I read with interest about having some sort of relationship in the future that is him having his cake and eating these sort of mind games are very cruel i know because my OH did exactly the same thing to me......

With regard to the key...he may be paying the bills but you have a right to privacy...check this out with your solicitor...to see how long he has to be living away from the family home before you can change the locks etc....

A solicitors letter may just give him that reality check that is needed......

Good luck with it all lots of love

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