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Update on my sham of a life!

  • Kazzabell80
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06 Sep 12 #354285 by Kazzabell80
Topic started by Kazzabell80
I know that I am probably getting my hopes up but, this is my update;

Hubby told me last Sat that he had a solicitors appointment for Monday. Then on Monday, he said that he had to cancel the appointment as he had a dentist appointment and they were too close together....he also had the children that day (so I offered to take an hour off work so that he could go to the solicitors if that is what he really wants to do - there was no way he was going to take the children to the solicitors with him!!).

He rescheduled the solicitors appointment for tomorrow morning. This appointment is so that he can find out his rights etc apparantly and not to initiate seperation/divorce proceedings.

We chatted for ages on Monday and he was agreeing with me when I was giving my rationale for us not to go our seperate ways (I have come a long way from crying and begging him not to go the day that he left ;)) and I suggested to him that perhaps we could continue to live apart for a while but meet up for coffee/drinks etc to try to get to know each other once again....he has agreed to do this, well in his words ''I have no problem in meeting you for coffee'' although didn''t want to say ''we are trying to work at it''.

He has agreed to meet me for coffee at 1pm tomorrow although he says that he doesn''t want me to get my hopes up, but how can I not? I am so desperate to make this work, I will do anything!!

He also said last night that he thinks that this (divorce) is what he wants but is still meeting me for coffee.

I have just sent him an email with all of our assets/liabilities and other information that he will need for the solicitor in the morning (I deal with all of that stuff and I didn''t see any point in not giving it to him :unsure:). Perhaps it will make him realise exactly what it is that he is walking away from??

He has everything and I still can''t see why he is so eager to throw it all away without even trying to save what we have both worked so hard for. We are soulmates but have just been working so hard we haven''t had the time for each other that we should have (both working two jobs) and I know that he has been under a lot of pressure which I feel has directly contributed to his choice to walk away.

It makes me feel even worse when I get the children telling me to forget him and try to move on - I don''t understand how they can say that about their Dad. I constantly tell them how much he loves them and that he will do anything for them but I worry about the damage that is being done to his relationship with his children :(

I am just so lost :dry:

  • Shoegirl
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07 Sep 12 #354349 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
I''m probably going to say some stuff you might not want to hear. I''m sorry in advance if I come across as a little hard on you.

If I have got the history right here, this is a man who has not been there for you since a serious medical condition has been diagnosed. He has indicated that it would have been better for him financially if he had left you before the diagnosis and has tried to indicate that you would be lucky to receive an amount less than your entitlement for child maintenance. On top of this, he has been having an affair. I can''t imagine the pain all of this must have caused you. Kazzabelle is is just awful and he has behaved very badly towards you.

You ran around trying to sort out counselling, only to be told when you get there that he did not want to save the marriage. He is making solicitor appointments and he has you doing all the administration for him whilst he calls the shots and you meet him for coffee trying to persuade him to change his mind.

All the coffee and chats in the world are not going to solve this. He has told you repeatedly what he wants and I don''t think you are listening. Believe me I understand that denial is easier to cope with, I''ve been there. But for your own sake and sanity, you need to let go. You are not going to find a way to fix this because you are standing alone in trying to save your marriage.

A soul mate does not treat someone in this way. I''d cut the coffee/chats/secretarial support. It''s time to focus on you in my view and working towards letting him go. That means minimal contact and taking control of the divorce proceedings because that means you have some say in the pace of these.

You can''t make someone want to be with you(()) However misguided his decision is, however much you think he has made the biggest mistake, there is nothing you can do to change it. Because its about him and his own issues not you. Many leave marriages for the promised land only to find its a waste ground. But, there is nothing you can do, many learn the hard way.

So again I''m sorry because I know with every fibre of your being that you want that meeting in that coffee house to be the start of fixing your marriage. Maybe he''s meeting you because he''s not quite ready to totally let go yet, please don''t mistake that for him wanting to be with you. Many like to feel secure in their new life before letting go of the old one. I refused to be a life boat for my Stbx in that regard. I never regretted my decision.

  • soulruler
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07 Sep 12 #354365 by soulruler
Reply from soulruler
Yes it is hard and very sad and I agree with Shoegirl.

Actually your post sounds very much like the letters I sent (and kept copies of) to my ex at the point he left - he too was having an affair.

When I broke the news to our daughter that her dad had left for OW her response was "i couldn''t care less what has he ever done for me" - Well I was totally shocked and like you kept telling the children just how much Dad loved them and to treat Dad kindly (despite the fact that he was a domestic abuser - how delusional was I).

There are strong reasons why your children are telling you to forget him and to move on. I think that counseling would be a great thing for you and something you should do on your own (whether marriage counselling which you can attend on your own) or other type of counselling maybe at your doctors or independently.

Also as you are the one who has always dealt with the finance I would make very sure right now that he does not start running up joint debts and all that sort of stuff.

If he has moved out get a single persons reduction for councel tax. Do everything you need to do to protect not only your financial position but also that of your children ad your departing spouse.

  • Cheyenne L
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07 Sep 12 #354368 by Cheyenne L
Reply from Cheyenne L
I am afraid he really doesn''t seem very sincere in saving the marriage.
Not saying you shouldn''t work on your marriage, but you alone will not be able to work on it. It seems like you are the only one here trying your best to make it work. Has he done anything other than agreeing to meet for coffee? For your sake, I hope he will turn around and realise what he is letting go of. But otherwise, please learn to put yourself first. It is no point keeping someone whose heart is no longer in the marriage.

We often do not see how poorly we are mistreated and unappreciated, and I myself am guilty as I found many excuses for my ex and often blamed myself . It is not easy walking away, especially walking away to no one else and to lonliness. But you will have some dignity at least, and hopefully peace at some point.

It takes alot of strength to hold on, but it takes more to let go.
Giving up doesn''t always mean you are weak, it means you are strong enough to let go.

Stay strong gal.

  • pixy
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07 Sep 12 #354370 by pixy
Reply from pixy
Oh Kazzabelle ((())). You are gong to get lots of comments that you don''t want to hear. You are still in stage 1: ''I can''t believe this is happening. He''ll wake up soon and realise he''s made a mistake.'' I think I spent nearly two years in that phase before I realised that I was wasting my time.

The reality is that he may well have made a mistake - such affairs rarely work out - but he''s not coming back. He has lied to you and betrayed you. Even worse he''s done these things when you are particularly vulnerable. The only chance you would have is if he were prepared to acknowledge his own part in all this instead of blaming you for everything.

Listen to the wikis - he''s not the person you thought he was. Painful though it is to admit it, he''s not worth the effort you are putting in. Your lifeline is not an occasional coffee togther but to follow the no contact rule. It''s not easy but, hell, it works.


  • donkler
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07 Sep 12 #354373 by donkler
Reply from donkler
Been where you are hun TWICE, please be very very careful x

  • Kazzabell80
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07 Sep 12 #354375 by Kazzabell80
Reply from Kazzabell80
Hi guys - definately not what I wanted to hear at all :(and I think that I know deep down that you are all right.

Perhaps I am in denial but there is a small part of me that thinks ''yeah but what if?''. I know that this is not the way to be but I really can''t help it.

I can''t do the no contact stuff because of the children. I am seeing him almost daily at the moment.

Just to clarify though, he is still adament that this other woman is just a friend. He even wants to give up his weekend work as a bouncer (that is where she works).

When I talk to him he sounds genuiune and so confused over everything.

I would love to just give in and move abroad to my parents but that is just impossible - he has already said that if I tried he would fight me for the children.

I have no-one here. My friends have all moved on and all my family are abroad. I gave up everything to stay with this man and now I am being punished for loving him and investing everything in our future together.

I don''t feel that I can live without him or that I want to even.

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