Lost

Hi,

I have just left my wife after 30+ years. I know I should have done it afte 3 years but I wanted it to work and I now know that wanting is not enough to make it happen. All that said, I have swopped abuse for loneliness and am drawn back to the abuse as the better of the two options. I'm writing this knowing there is no answer to the question -for that matter not knowing what the questin is. I know I need the srength to stay away but it's just so hard to do it alone. I wonder sometimes whether I should have found another lady befoe I left to support me through the difficult times but I could not do that because - 1. I don't know how to do it and 2. She accused me of doing that for so many yeas I didn't want to tove her right. So now I'm alone and witing messages into a machine!

Michael

Michael,

You are not alone....you have 5000 wikivorcers as mates!!

We may be chatting via machine, but we are all real people


I cannot tell you the answer but I will pass on this one thought......I think it is a natural human state to stay in a bad relationship too long.....and to feel the temptation to return to a bad relationship in preference to starting a new life alone.

When you have spent so long with one person it is hard to face the world alone. I have found this despite having many many things going well for me (job, friends etc). I still find being single difficult as I have lived as boyfriend/partner/husband all my adult life.

You have one life.

30 years sounds enough to have devoted to something that you did not find rewarding.

I never thought i could move on without my partner of 30yrs, my only lover and the only person i ever wanted to be with.
I now know what he did i could never accept and i had to walk away.
I still spend moments of deep sadness for what we had but also now find I think about a new partner, though dont know where to begin, choosy, careful and considering my kids feelings, one day it may happen but it has to be right.
Talk and people will help, its good to hear other peoples stories and most important of all, somebody else has life harder than you, makes your problems so much smaller no matter how bad you feel. I just looked and listened to my sons and knew i had to be stronger.
Take lots of care and live each day as a new day, looking to the future can be too hard in the early days (sound like i know it all, not meaning to but believe me i was so low and still struggle).

Michael,
You really are not alone. Everyone here is or has been in an similar situation to yourself. Some too have endured abusive relationships, and have come out of the other side stronger and more able to take on the world again.
The loneliness is a killer. But only if you let it be. There are many people in the world like yourself. Although you might not feel ready to believe it just yet, there is a future. Whether that be as a single person, or in a new relationship. I can imagine that your emotions are in a tangled mess right now, and that you do not want to even think about tommorrow, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Ending a relationship, especially one as long as yours was, is like a bereavement. You NEED to mourn it's passing. You need to adjust your life to a new thinking, a fresh start. It isn't easy, and it isn't without it's emotional pain. But it's worth it. Lots of people here will tell you that.
On a lighter note - there are lots of Michaels here too - sadly we seem fated!
Take care and keep posting - You have lots of new friends here.
Mike

i agree with mike, you do need to grieve for the marriage that has ended, especially one that has been as long as yours. You need to be kind to yourself and try to find the person you once where or find the new you. I won't lie, it is a long road and i am just at the start; every day brings a new trial but on the same note every day is one day closer to a new, brighter future. Focus on the positives. Remember, there are lots of people on here who can provide support, it is a two way street, we have good days and bad days and we look out for each other. We all have our own stories to draw on. Sometimes we just have a light hearted time telling jokes and other times we can talk seriously about issues that need airing. Just remember you are never alone and no matter what time of day or night you may just find someone to talk to. Take care, hope you find this site and its members a good source of support.

PS don't worry you are not duped just cos you are called Michael, just one of Mike62's little jokes hehe

Hi,

Thanks for the messages of support.

After reading the plight of some others with children and mortgages I’m feeling a little ashamed for feeling so sorry for myself.

My story is one of irrational, unfathomable behaviour and attrition which has worn me down but I can’t compare my distress to that of others who are homeless or penniless.

I have also probably added to my difficulties by, in my desperation to escape, moving myself 1000 miles south to a place where I don’t know a sole. I am sure I did that out of desperation but it was probably a stupid thing to do because to stand any chance of building a new life I’ll have to return to the UK.

Thanks again

Michael

Michael,

Voyager I went off to empty space to seek answers and advertise human presence in the universe. I would guess that the answer you seek is what to do with your life.

Firstly, the abuse you suffered for so long will have left you with simething similar to the Stockholm Syndrome where you identify with the abuser either her need to abuse you or your dependence upon it. I shall tell you straight, firstly this feeling will take some time, possibly even years to go away. Secondly, you need to realise that you are a human being and the fact that you have been abused for so long while trying to make things work makes you a thoroughly decent human being who now deserves better. Ditch the guilt for being there so long and for being too nice - it is over.

You question whether you should have found the support of another lady before leaving. Michael, I am interpreting that as a product of your loneliness and loss of attention (albeit abusive) from the woman you lived with. While you're adjusting you'll feel down and needy and this is not the best time for developing a worthwhile relationship. If you currently approaching female companionship with a need for a temporary support then you should make this plain. Ladies have needs too.