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Self confidence

  • nicwin
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05 Oct 13 #409415 by nicwin
Topic started by nicwin
I wonder if the wiki folk out there could give me some advice on how I can boost myself confidence. Being cheated on by my husband really does knock it and although I am doing everything I can to change my life, I have lost of weight and really love keeping active and fit. Have joined a couple of clubs where I have made some great new friends and really improved my social life, I push myself to make conversation with new people, taking me out of my comfort zone and I''m having so much more fun than I used too, however I never get any male attention other than in friendship and feel am I just not an attractive person. I want to get over these negative feelings about myself but it''s so hard any ideas?

  • grafter
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05 Oct 13 #409421 by grafter
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Hi nicwin.
Yes it does knock your self confidence,but you seem to be doing realy well.
Me personally,wen exwife left me,i used to wish and hope for people to find me ok looking..its like I needed it to prove to me I was fanciable to the oppusite sex.
But guess wat its not wat matters.wat matters is wats on the inside.
We need for us to feel attractive and loved to ourselvrs first and foremost.then others will see that to.love you,,and wat you are achieving.
You dont need to go looking for compliments,they will find and come looking for you....
Good luck x

  • juliette0307
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06 Oct 13 #409431 by juliette0307
Reply from juliette0307
I''d say "forget about men". In a more elaborate way, you don''t need anybody validation, but you seem to know that already.
It''s catch 22 though, as attractiveness comes from confidence, but that confidence also comes from a couple of compliments or a bit of flirting....which is why i''ve given up on the whole charade, and i''ll let life surprise me if it''s meant to!
That, and the fact that i''m still in the "men-are-all-b*stard" phase of divorce ;-)

  • jar of hearts
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06 Oct 13 #409439 by jar of hearts
Reply from jar of hearts
How long have you been separated and how much have you gone through prior to and subsequent from it? It has taken me three and a half years and two failed attempts with men, not suitable perhaps but a hell of a lot nicer than ex, to reach my current position.

I am now finally me again. The person I was 35 years ago, but improved and confident and finally don''t give a damn what anybody thinks of me. Guess what, I receive offers and compliments all the time and may have just started a good relationship. How did I do it? Just did what I felt I needed to at the time. Changed my hair a couple of times, new clothes to fit the body that has re-emerged from the cocoon of fat placed around it by the abuse of my ex, spent good time with my children, got a new job and spent time finding myself. Thought I was ready for a man, but chose badly as I had in the past, but learnt another lesson. Tried again, better but still not right. Now when I wasn''t even looking, someone who asked me out months ago when I was with someone else met me by fluke and we are tentatively starting what seems a good thing.

So chill, do what you feel like doing, for you and let nature take it''s course. Good luck

  • Shoegirl
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06 Oct 13 #409444 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
You have done really well to change aspects of your life so well. It is a credit to you and you should feel proud. Pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone and going through the emotional roller coaster of divorce is extremely tough and takes great courage. So first thing I''m going to say is be kind to yourself by not expecting too much.

I was in the same place as you a little while ago. Ticking lots of boxes going out, doing new things, looking and feeling better physically. Then I was left with this sense of ok so why do I not feel better inside as my life was better on the outside if I''m making sense.

In the end I dealt with the things that were causing me to seek validation from other people. It took much time and therapy to get through this, where I stopped defining my life by other people''s reactions to me. Of course other people''s views are important, however, they stopped having the power to knock me off balance or question my own worth/value/attractiveness or whatever. I learned to trust my own instincts about my own life. It was this that changed my life and was the catalyst to me becoming much more fulfilled with life in general. It led to a feeling if great inner peace.

There isn''t a magic answer to this. I found by understanding what led to me seeking validation/approval from others naturally led me into understanding why I ended up with my ex and also why romantic relationships and friendships had ended up with me getting hurt and giving much more than I ever ended up with in return. Once I understood me and the faulty self beliefs gained through the years, I was able to tackle it piece by piece and deal with it. Somewhere in that overall picture of understanding me, I was able to understand why I ended up in a bad marriage and to let go of my ex and all the stuff that happened.

It was and still is the most difficult yet rewarding and ultimately liberating journey of my life. Of course life is a journey and I''m still learning about life and people. I''m able to generally sort through the things I should take on board and the BS people are trying to project onto me because of their unresolved issues these days. Mainly because I painstakingly sorted through the things that were not working in my life on the inside, my insecurities, my faulty self beliefs, the things that had caused me to look for validation in others that I should have getting from myself.

Nicwin, my honest view, it is the journey to understand me, my relationships and why things had happened to me that really changed my life. I''ve posted before on this, it really is the road less travelled. In this journey, I completely came to understand why I had been hurt, what caused me to look outside me for self worth and all the other stuff that caused me much emotional pain.

It is of course up to you how far you take this, if at all. I undertook this journey with the support of a fantastic counsellor because I was fed up of my life going round in circles.

I wish you well whatever you decide to do next.

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