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Do I need to change?Help on this one guys......

  • afonleas
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15 Jun 14 #436854 by afonleas
Topic started by afonleas
We are all here for one reason???
Our relationships messed up,whichever way whoever was to blame,it messed up...
So in turn we become differant people to the ones we were before this malarky,well I have anyway,but here is where I need help..

When I started my journey,I was full of hatred,anger,resentment you name it,I felt it,but our Mr Marsh told me,unless I let it go,I would never be able to move forwards,slowly with help I have moved on,and now I can forgive Twonk for his actions.I no longer have to live with them,he does,his burden,not my problem...

So with the ongoing support of my family and friends I became stronger,through the medium of wiki,I have been so lucky to have met and made lifelong friends(I hope)with some amazing people,people I would never have the pleasure of meeting before all of this.We have shared tears,trauma''s,loads of laughter and silliness,and a few cider''s along the way,and I feel blessed that these people are in my life.
In my professional life,I am also blessed with good people around me,quite a difficult job,but with compassion and empathy for others,I make it through and basically enjoy most days...
There are those on here who will testament,that I will talk to anyone,much to some''s annoyance:dry: ;)but I am a people person,I make no excuses for that,people interest me,and brain''s fascinate me lol...
So when something brings you down to earth,down to earth with a massive bump,I may add,I question myself
"Is it me"?
Do I set myself up for people to take the water out of me?
My ex husband done it,so am I allowing other''s to do the same?

The rational side of me knows that,when people disrespect you,they are the ones with the problem, not us,but are we/me allowing people to disrespect us?
I know that I treat people with the utmost respect,and even in difficult situations I will always maintain that respect,so is expecting respect back too much to ask?

So please the wise ones of wiki,whose advice is worth so much to me...
Do I need to change??
Do I need to become a hardhearted B----??
Do I need to walk through life,and doodoo''s on people who have helped me??
Is the way I operate the wrong way?

There is a quote from Oprah Winfrey,
"Every time you suppress yourself,or allow others to play you small,you are in essence ignoring the owner''s manual your creator gave you and destroying the design"

So is it time to change the person I am?
or am I okay and others need to look at themselves?
One thing for sure,you question your sanity,but surely you cannot go through life,disrespecting others:unsure: :dry:

Thoughts and advice will be so welcome...

Cwtchs all
Afon Xxxx

  • NellNoRegrets
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15 Jun 14 #436860 by NellNoRegrets
Reply from NellNoRegrets
Do you want to change? I guess the bottom line is that we all need to do what we need to do to sleep easily at night.

I haven''t got time for revenge or spite or pettiness. Life really is too short, and getting shorter.

I don''t have to live with my ex any more. But I do have to live with me, so its important I get on with me and respect myself.

  • afonleas
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15 Jun 14 #436861 by afonleas
Reply from afonleas
Easy answer No...
As a person,I consider myself okay,I am a good friend,well I hope that I am.In my job I know I am fine,I expect my boss would say"Always room for improvement":laugh:
As a child,I was always taught respect and manners,this I instilled into my own daughters,and I hope that I still live with those value''s So No I do not want to change,but maybe I need to change what my perception of others is:dry:

Revenge and spite,Nah,really cannot be doing with that myself,all I want is peace,and for people to treat me with the same as I treat them...Oh well I suppose we are not all built the same way or hold the same values..

Thank you Nell and Shoes,your input is appreciated,maybe I need to get my stock of Red flags in...

Afon Xxxxx

  • elizadoolittle
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15 Jun 14 #436864 by elizadoolittle
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Oh Afon, this is the kind of question I ask myself - too much, in fact. My therapist is helping me to understand why I have lost my bearings in this way and always look to others for validation. But you (though I hardly claim to know you) don''t seem iike that. So I am thinking something must have upset you quite a bit to make you wobble in this way.

I tend to try to give people the benefit of the doubt (again, too much apparently!) but for that reason, I would ask myself is there any way that this could all boil down to a misunderstanding? Without knowing the circumstances it is difficult to say, but so often people take offence and retaliate where none was meant. They get the wrong end of the stick, mishear you, misunderstand the written word, or generally get wires crossed. I think that at the end of the day, that accounts for most of these sorts of situations.

Maybe this is why I am still in utter disbelief about my x behaviour. I am still trying to fathom out where the misunderstandings lie, but they are too many now. Every time I communicate with him in any way (and we do need to re house sale etc) he seems to think I mean something diametrically opposed to what I thought I had clearly expressed....

Hope you sort it and feel better soon x

  • Hollyxxx
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15 Jun 14 #436865 by Hollyxxx
Reply from Hollyxxx
Hello afon,

I feel a bit weird as after a thirty year marriage I have not felt bitterness, revenge etc just great sadness , maybe Im a fool:) .

As for you do yo need to change NOOOOOOOOO I have read your posts to others, your empathy, compassion your words of wisdom. no your perfect, just the way you are:) just stay as you:) wonderful lady xxxxxx

  • Shoegirl
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15 Jun 14 #436869 by Shoegirl
Reply from Shoegirl
I don''t think I felt at any point I needed to change because I was a bad person. My marriage didn''t work out and I decided to find out what I needed to learn from it.

I can relate to much of what Eliza writes about looking to others for approval and for doing too much for others in return for far too little. That used to be my life. I was drained and beyond exhausted at the end of my marriage. I figured out over time there were reasons all this stuff had happened to me and why my ex had behaved as he had towards me.

It enabled me to let go, move forward and live differently. I found it all very positive but it was a journey of years rather than months and an awful lot of hard work. Worth it though.

  • killbill
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15 Jun 14 #436872 by killbill
Reply from killbill
No, I don''t think you need to change at all.
I remember when I first went through everything that I must somehow be a very bad judge of character, but it was my ex who had changed, and it wasn''t me that said these things, but other people who knew him too.
I remember when he left me, he said it was because I wasn''t ambitious enough and happy with my lot. I came to realise that in fact he had paid me a great compliment, because in actual fact there aren''t many people in life who are happy with what they''ve got, it''s all about what they haven''t got, and want more.
So, going through what I did, I have certainly learnt that I respect myself,and will give respect to those who I feel deserve it.I don''t any longer put up with things/people that in the past I might just to keep the peace, so I speak my mind a lot more. I only have people in my life that hold the same values as me, although I am always open hearted/minded and I don''t tar everyone with the same brush. There are good and bad people in life, and usually the bad ones like to put on the shows of how good they are to others ( I''ve noticed this quite a lot how they tend to do charity work etc.and make a big show of doing such,maybe to hide a guilty consciences or just that they are plainly oblivious to the hurt they cause others).I think I''m just more astute now, and basically won''t put up with cr*p from anyone.

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