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I feel like I am doing this backwards...?

  • StillShining
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17 Sep 14 #444663 by StillShining
Topic started by StillShining
After reading here on wikivorce for a while...all the stories, good and bad...I cannot seem to find a common ground with my particular situation. So have mentally girded my metaphorical loins and am posting my question.

There are so many of you who have entered the divorce arena willing or unwilling and come through the other side perhaps a little battered and bruised but also with feelings of independence and of being survivors.

I cannot bring myself to do that.
Even after being here over 8 years, I still feel quite foreign at times and certainly when it comes to the topic of divorce, as the whole process is so very different.
I am not British.
I am American.

I''m beginning to realize I have one of those stories you read about, but find it hard to believe it could actually be true...because, after all, who could really be that gullible, that naïve, that trusting and that stupid? You know?

I just feel as if I have to stay and get myself together (mentally, emotionally, financially and physically) BEFORE trying to leave.

I have no family.
(I was widowed before re-marrying and lost both my parents within 6 months of my late husband)

Not a single friend.
(My husband has never liked for me to socialize and as the peacekeeper, over time, I have just sort of compromised my way into complete and utter seclusion.)

No support system.
(I agreed to stay home with the kids when we married. The last one is now in Uni. So have not worked since moving here.)

I gave up everything to be with him.
I sold my house, my car.
Lost half my net worth due to the exchange rate difference at the time.
Gave up my career.
Became estranged from the couple of family members I had left as they did not approve.

But I was happy, HAPPY I tell you!
To sacrifice all of this and more...because I was starting over...getting a new chance...embracing change and the idea that I could have love again!
What a fool.

I want to be ME again BEFORE I attempt to go. Or, in all honesty, I don''t think I will make it.

Has anyone else done this? Stayed and got yourself together again and then made a break for it?

Is the reason no one seems to have done this, is because it is doomed to failure?

Am I doing this backwards?

  • irnbru72
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17 Sep 14 #444668 by irnbru72
Reply from irnbru72
Hello and welcome StillShining.i was told by my wife less than 6 weeks ago she wanted a divorce so im not nearly far enough in to advise you how to go about anything there are far more wiser and more experienced wikis with better advice.all i will say is once the decision was made for me it was slightly easier.look after yourself
also if you are even thinking about doing this-and have been for a while-then you have more strength in you than you are giving yourself credit for.good luck and keep posting

  • Vastra1
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18 Sep 14 #444699 by Vastra1
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You don''t say much about your husband but it sounds like you are very isolated & want out but don''t know where or how to start. Counselling (I mean just for you) would be a good idea to talk with someone openly about your relationship & how you might go about rebuilding your confidence & independence. In the meantime are there any local groups or activities you could get involved with?

  • AngieP
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18 Sep 14 #444700 by AngieP
Reply from AngieP
Much the same advice as Vastra. On finding out that my marriage was not what I thought I realised how insular I had become within it and looking back now can see that I instinctively went about building up a better social circle. I did this by joining Meetup groups, talking to (and meeting) others from this site and was fortunate enough to rebuild friendships which I had neglected during my marriage. I realised what a fool I had been and how much energy I had expended in trying to maintain a relationship which I can quite clearly see now, was dysfunctional. The amazing thing I found Stillshining was the response and kindness I received when I reached out to people. This process has taught me to be a lot more open with others. It took me some time to finally accept my marriage could not continue, but I honestly don''t know how I would be getting through this without the support network I now have.

  • StillShining
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18 Sep 14 #444723 by StillShining
Reply from StillShining
I got responses.
I don''t know what to say...
except Thank you.


Tried counselling.
18 months (of pretty much weekly appointments) marriage counselling.

Resulted in counsellor saying, repeatedly, we were wasting our time if He was just going to pay lip service during sessions and do nothing to alter/improve/compromise afterwards.
So we stopped going.
Nothing really changed.

I think part of my problem is this...
I cannot go back to the States.

I have to start over...here...alone.

I brought my teenaged daughter with me when I moved here. She''s grown now, through with school, is happy and has a job/home/partner of her own.

I also raised my step-daughter, who I never call that since she is as loved by me as my other daughter. We bonded and are as close as a mother and daughter can be. I''ve been her mother since she was 10, she''s currently in Uni...and she''s mine now.

I will not leave these girls. They are mine and I cannot fathom the possibility of not being part of their lives.

I have to start over.
But this time...here...and alone.

I am taking steps.
Baby ones.

I began counselling again, this time alone.
Making waves by broaching this subject with my husband, was in itself, a big step for me. He was surprisingly fine with it and said he was just happy to not be involved.

So I go when I an able (we moved 1.5 hours away from where we began) with the same counsellor I went to as a couple. She already knows all the details and I like her.

With her help, I have been able to identify where this began, how I ended up where I am...and where I want to be.


I have begun to re-train and am on my way to getting another degree.
(My career in the States didn''t really transfer to the UK)
But this will take time.

I am also trying to find a volunteer position in a subject area that is of interest to me. But am finding the application process a difficulty as most, if not all, require some sort of "references" from friends or colleagues...and I have neither.

Good grief this is a lot of writing.
So very sorry to have verbally vomited on all of you like this. I guess it''s been inside for so long...and I never get to talk to anyone.
Sorry again.
Thanks again.

  • AngieP
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18 Sep 14 #444724 by AngieP
Reply from AngieP
Stillshining! - Sounds like you have already made great steps forward.

From what you say it seems like you already have the self awareness and ability to do something about your situation.

You are so right that it is a relief to actually get your feelings out. I too had a session with the same psychotherapist that I had been to for Marriage Guidance Counselling and the words that I remember from her, though impossible to see at the time, were that a great burden would be lifted from my shoulders. Although I still have mountains to climb I am beginning to see some of what was said could be true.

You have certainly come to the right place and, I suppose, if you have no option but to go down the divorce route, you will be as well prepared for it as you ever can be.

Best Wishes.

  • Vastra1
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18 Sep 14 #444728 by Vastra1
Reply from Vastra1
I agree with Angie, it sounds like you''ve already been laying the groundwork for rebuilding your life, is it just that final leap into the unknown you need to do? Others have blogged about having courage in small things first - taking yourself out of your comfort zone and looking for opportunities to do things you find a bit confronting or potentially embarrassing (like me the uncoordinated one doing a Zumba class for the first and definitely last time)
I also love your "verbal vomit" comment! No need to apologise, blogging or posting here is so cathartic. I have raged and ranted and felt much better for it many a time, because the people who read and respond understand and have words of comfort and practical advice.
And lastly don''t be so tough on yourself for letting yourself get o isolated - many of us including me neglected friendships because I had my husband whom I regarded as my best friend (which seems utterly bizarre now I realise what a narcissistic bullyboy he was). It doesn''t mean that you are unlikeable, others just haven''t had a chance to befriend you. I''m sure you will do just fine spreading your wings.

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