Our Pasts

Just read a post on here from member saying they thought lingering emotions were more to do with their past than divorce. Didn''t want to hijack post hence this entry.

Came as great shock to me in amongst turbulence of separation, detachment etc that this was case for me also and the fact is had all this not happened I would have plodded on through life pretty unhappily but not really understanding why. So as crass as it may sound, for me some good has come out of what seemed like a desperate situation, although it has involved a lot of pain and learning. I have been forced to face a lot of things head on and realise that the enforced change of my whole life has given me the opportunity to do this. Silver lining is I understand myself and my own strengths and weaknesses better than I have ever done and intend to play to my strengths and improve areas of weakness. As for others, not an easy journey and at one time stresses were such that I felt in danger of "slipping over the edge". Help and support from wikis, family and friends helped to pull me back. I suppose whole thing of divorce/separation can open a whole Pandora''s box and it may be how much we are able to take out and deal with. I intend to and think I am now strong enough to sort out the whole lot!

I also feel the same as you.
I know if my husband had stayed I would of plodded on thinking that was my lot in life.
Out of all this hurt and stress I''m now living a life I am in some ways not prepared for.
When you''ve had a husband who did everything including telling you what to do and what you are thinking it''s hard to go it alone.
I find it hard to make decisions, I question them all the time and I''m paranoid of people trying to control me.
I think I was quite a strong person before marriage and I''m finding it hard getting back there.
It''s my past holding me back as the divorce did me a favour and now I have just got to let go and trust my own judgement to enjoy the freedom I have been given.
Saying all that I have peace which is something I hadn''t felt in a long time. Life is now what we make of it and that is going to be a whole new adventure.
We will get there Angie and hopefully there will be a few laughs along the way.

Hear hear you two!

I''m not through yet, but already I look back in wonder at what I had become, and how being in that marriage (not saying I blame him) made me less than I was, when in fact our partnership should have been more than the sum of our parts.

More and more I am asking myself ''What in heaven''s name was I so afraid of??!!'' I spent my whole time terrified! Of everything! Every decision big or small. My x was by no means a violent man or even very judgemental, and I am thinking about where this fear of making a mistake came from. Undoubtedly something in my childhood. I could cope as an independent young woman so am really puzzled as to how when I became a SAHM I just sort of shrivelled up.

After he took off I was astonished to find I was no longer so worried about bumps in the night, children falling ill, filling in forms, appearing foolish etc etc you name it.

So he is happier and I am happier. I would never have left him in a million million years, but we should have done this a long long time ago.

I hope this can give heart to some of the newbies, even if when reading it in the early days they may well think as I did ''not me''.

So much of me in there also,we were just trundling along...Existing !!!

But is that what life is ??

Although we have had a very harsh tutor.
The divorce one!!,I suppose with a few exceptions most of us never wanted to be in that class,but we have all learned so much from our tutor.
Personally I have learnt I can emotionally feel again,yes I hurt and feel pain,but also I feel that emotion of happiness.We all get lost in our marriages men and women,and we forget our identities,we all have to learn to give and take,now I see I was giving and he was taking,hands up,my fault I allowed it to happen.

Nan,you are so wrong about indecision,you do decide,it''s just a matter of getting it right,colours always baffle us:dry: but your doing brilliant.Now I find I am more decisive than before,I go with my thoughts,sometimes they are wrong,heyho...
Whatever choices we make now,are ours to own,they belong to us and no other.

I have also learnt DIY,okay not Brill but okay,garden now my domain also:)

The biggest lesson that I have learnt though is,I am the person who has to look after me,my health and well being is all down to me,and that stressing the small stuff is useless,save that if any big stuff comes along,hopefully it won''t...

Yes Angie,I think all of us,men and women are totally capable of opening that box,we find unknown strength in divorce,and inside that box? we can all deal with that also,however hard those secrets hidden away are.



Cwtchs
Afon Xx

Would never have thought this before but I consider myself in a fortunate position now...I thought my world had ended at the time,and dont get me wrong I still dont like the way she did it or the fact she still plays the victim..but I realise now I was just plodding along too..and Eliza I would never have left either ..maybe for the kids'' sake..maybe to keep up appearances..maybe scared of being a single man in his early 40s..who knows..I slept on the couch for last 3 years how could anyone be happy with that ffs? Now 9 months later I just feel bad for all the other folk who aren''t happy..who are plodding along and dont even realise it..sure im living with my parents while I work 6 nights a week to pay the debts I was left with..but im living an honest life...not lying to myself-or other people-anymore...im excited at the prospect of living on my own for the first time in my life..however long it takes..I havent felt so good about myself in years..you lose the person you were in an unhappy marriage...but its a great feeling to discover that person again!

Think you''ve hit the nail on the head Irnbru! I totally lost myself in the marriage. I think the ability to be honest and open, with yourself and others and I suppose once we get to know ourselves again that authenticity frees us from a lot of emotional stresses.

Nanny, Afon and Eliza - you''re all old hands at this and once again I realise that I am only saying in different words what you have all already said many times before!. All part of the process I suppose