No one gets married with the intention of divorcing. That would be madness. But the fact is that some 3000 people divorce each week in the UK. That’s epidemic proportions. If 3000 people a week were contracting measles there would be a public outcry and the government would step in to begin an immunisation programme immediately.
And yet it continues year after year with one in at least three of us adding to the statistics. Is there any practical way of preventing divorce from happening or if it really is inevitable, can’t we at least give people like you and me the right skills to divorce without the drama that most divorcing couples experience?
I have looked at virtually every route to divorce (and getting back together) that is currently available. None of them are designed to give immediate practical relief from the cycle of conflict that couples find they entrenched in. So, I decided to create my own programme which would bring rapid results to those wanted to say an unequivocal ‘no’ to heartache and pain and a resounding ‘yes’, to divorcing with intelligence, with high quality dignity and personal responsibility for their own emotional growth.
For whatever reason your relationship has hit the rocks (and there are too many to list) from intolerable and unacceptable behaviour to loss of interest in the other and everything in between, if you don’t understand 1) what happened, 2) how it happened and 3) how to prevent it happening again, you may very well change your partner in for a new model but here’s the sting. Because you take yourself with you into every one of your relationships, after the initial ‘falling in love’ phase you will find you bring out the same ‘qualities’ in the new person as you did in the old. I promise you it will happen.
It doesn’t matter how different they are intellectually, culturally, physically and in every way. The common denominator between the new model, you and your ex is you. This is the reason why so many second and third marriages/long term relationships fail from the starting post. When I work with individuals and couples I have a very special and unique way of helping you to find out how you operate in relationships and how it was inevitable, given the way you operate that your relationship would hit the rocks at some point. Now that doesn’t mean that divorce is a certainty, but it does mean that unless you understand the role you play in your relationships, you will hit a brick wall at some point and not be clear about how it happened or how to get past it.
Here’s how it works. I work with you individually for five sessions. If you are both willing and open to the possibility of rebuilding your relationship, I still see you both individually. I cannot see the point of putting two upset people in the same room as each other to work out issues which are resting on the surface of deep pain, upset and disappointment. (More about that a bit later.)
Usually people contact me to arrange a mutually convenient time for a complimentary assessment call so that I can get an idea of your situation and what you now want. After that, if we decide to work together, I will send you a Pre-Meeting/Call Questionnaire for you to complete before our first session, which may be face to face or on the telephone. At this point we discuss our confidentiality agreement, session times and fees payable.
Our first session is the longest. Its two and one half hours either face to face or on the phone. It sounds like a long time but there is such a lot to cover in the first session, it just flies by.
In this session the real work begins one step at a time. My aim is to show you how to build a solid foundation for your future whether you stay together or decide to part. I will give you a unique and specific skill, which will show you how you got to ‘here’ from ‘there’. You’ll understand why you didn’t have a choice in behaving and reacting in the way you have and that will give you even greater insight into why your partner behaved the way they did. Its like turning on the light – my clients say that its not just a light bulb moment more like a flash light of complete understanding and once you have that clarity, you will never see yourself or your partner in the same light again. Of course part of the gift is that once you can see clearly who you have been, instead of being on ‘automatic default’ you will get back into the driving seat of your own life and make choices and decisions you did not think possible.
The second, third, and fourth sessions continue to give you every skill and strategy you need to choose the right way forward for you. You’ll understand how you operate in relationship; your rules for relationship, how to get away from negative self-talk and how to create communication miracles that get you heard and understood. Any worries and fears about the present and future will be ironed out and because you’ll have had time to digest all you have learned, you will have a complete understanding of yourself and be fully equipped to make some life changing choices. Every thing we do together is written down so that you never leave a session thinking ‘that was great but what do I do now?’. That’s because after each session I will give you specific homework that will allow you go much deeper into your understanding of yourself. By the end of these sessions you will feel calmer and you’ll have the clarity that will allow you to view the future positively. I promise!
For couples, when both of you decide to work with me, each of you will work with me on your own for the same amount of sessions as above. I have found that working with couples on an individual basis to start with allows each person to feel heard and understood. All the sessions work the same as the individual format and by the end of our sessions you will be fully prepared and ready to meet as a couple for the joint session. The Joint Session is a one off three-hour session, which I facilitate. Once again that may seem like a long time, but we are going to swap ‘operating instructions’ so that each of you is very clear about how the other ‘does relationship’ and we have a great deal of work to cover so the time just flies. After the session, you will receive specific homework to use as a couple over the next few weeks before you return for a one-hour review session. Thereafter, review sessions are scheduled in as appropriate.
Finally, Francine offers us:
5 Top Tips to your True Identity
• Discover your true identity by focusing on what you must have in your life. Must you have your independence, must you be respected, must express your creativity? Make a list of your top five ‘must have values’
• Make it easier to experience your ‘must have values’. You don’t have to wait for the right partner to come along to enjoy your ‘must have values’. Phrase your must have values in a way that allows you to experience them regularly, e.g. “Anytime I spend time painting, I experience my creativity” “Whenever I call my best friend, I feel loved”. Use the words “anytime or whenever to enhance your values.
• What must you avoid most in any kind of relationship. Must you avoid shouting, must you avoid being controlled, must you avoid alcohol, must you avoid being a ‘carer’ or playing some other ‘role’? Make a list of your top five ‘avoidance values’
• Make it hard to experience your avoidance values. Decide that you would have to keep on doing something specific in order to experience the negative. Phrase you avoidance values to magnify the issue in this way: “As long as I keep on allowing…” I will experience feeling/being/doing…”
• Don’t Collude. Stop giving people permission to carry on any behaviour that impacts you negatively. Pull them up on it. Let them know its not acceptable to you and why and if they care and respect you enough they will want to stop naturally.
Francine Kaye can be contacted at www.thedivorcedoctor.co.uk