You are beautiful no matter what you say! But do you accept yourself as the saying goes “warts and all”? My wish for everyone in a relationship is that they feel safe enough to be authentic every day of their lives, but authenticity requires being real and accepting that we are what we are now and that’s not an easy place for many.
Think of someone who you admire because they are being themselves. There is no proving or showing off or acting, it’s just that they have learned that inner peace and happiness comes from being real through and through and in my experience I always enjoy being around authentic people. Their inner beauty shines through and is magnetic to others.
Talking with clients and friends it seems we may all have a hidden side that only comes into being when alone. You can say and do what the hell you like when no-one is watching... right! Expressing deep emotion, for example, for some people only feels ok to do alone for fear of others thinking they are weak or crazy or pathetic. But deep emotions are part of us and what a shame if we feel we have to hide it from others.
Our intimate partnerships are a place where our “warts” or painful bits tend to show up magnified. Once the heady days of romance have tailed off and the sleeves are rolled up for the real business of getting along together, our other half seems with skill, to bring our warts to the surface! So what of these warts and what do they look like?
For a moment, imagine the darker sides of you as unhealed parts of your past. Without fail we all carry disappointments and negative experiences from perhaps our childhood, school and relationships with others and alot of these past experiences hang around in the body, mind and spirit. Partners have the amazing knack of pressing the “don’t go there” buttons, but why?
Well Imago Theory (www.gettingthelove.com) states that the unhealed parts of ourselves from childhood negative experiences, will be reflected back to us in our intimate relationship for the specific job of being healed and with the aim to return to “wholeness”, which for me means authenticity, “the real me”. Fascinating theory. No wonder then, when these painful spots show up in our relationship, it is the source of conflict and suffering, because the two people involved don’t know what is really trying to happen.
Our underlying aim in life, I believe, is to be approved of and to feel we have a place on this Earth through the giving, but specifically the receiving of love. But as we grow through the delicate stages of childhood our need for love, approval and connection can and is affected by others around us. If we expressed or behaved in ways that were deemed inappropriate we avoided those ways, even if really they were ok at some level, in order to remain approved of. Ringing any bells?
So as we grew we continued to look upon those ways of being, as bad or wrong, hence the “warts” that formed and that we dutifully carry for years. But in essence, the truth of human kind is that we are all born with a full range of expressions, emotions, behaviours that if nurtured correctly will allow our wholeness to remain as we progress through life. Sadly many of us reach adulthood with many a wart to bear and still feeling, as we did in childhood, that it is not ok to be that way or this.
Looking within, we are told more and more nowadays, is the only way forward. I believe this to be true. At some point, if we are to lead a life full of deep inner peace and happiness, we do need to be brave enough lay our “inner house” out on the lawn in front of us and look and learn to love all those tender parts. How you do it is up to you. Today’s urge towards a more conscious, happy and authentic life is expression to the fact that we are all seeking to purge our past baggage in some form or other, so we can feel more love and happiness. There is a multitude of great ways to help out there and I know you will find it if you feel the need, but where I am focused is around how you can become accepted and approved of in your relationship.
I work with people all the time, couples especially, who have a great desire to be seen by their loved one warts and all, but are too afraid to show their darker side for fear of being left, an ingrained childhood miasma sadly. Through the creation of a safe nurturing environment and with the dialogue of exploration and curiosity, I help people express themselves in a way that they have never felt comfortable to do so, before. The beauty in these moments is huge, as each partner takes the other’s hand and with childlike steps helps them walk the journey towards fullness and wholeness with love and respect. I really enjoy these experiences which are for me, about real love.
Whether single or part of a couple, I can help you realise that it is ok to be you. Why not give me a call. I have been there, believe me.
What you can do in the mean time:
Know that right here, right now, every part of you has a place in this world and you deserve to be you and be accepted by ALL who know you.
Make a choice to understand what your warts look like and begin to learn to accept yourself as much as you can. There is a whole heap of help out there if you feel the need to talk to someone about self esteem and past issues.
Observe what feels painful for you in interactions with family, friends or partners and dare to look behind what it really means for you. Where are those feelings really coming from?
Are you running from your darker side? If so, choosing to stop and be brave enough to explore those parts, will take you towards your dream of being real and authentic. I guarantee your life will be richer and more abundant than you could ever imagine when you learn that it is ok to be a human being with all the colours that go to make us all up!
In your relationship, is your partner willing to explore your and their stuff? True acceptance of the self, I believe, comes in our love relationship. The right communication will bring about the acceptance you so longed for. See my previous article about communication and how you can explore each other’s past wounds.