When I first split up with my stbx I was still (barely) in my 30s. I just assumed that I would meet someone else and would have a new relationship at some stage. I was in no hurry as it was a really bad split and I needed to focus on getting myself and my children through it. I was also a mess from the marriage itself and the abuse in all its different forms. I had the good sense to know that I was too screwed up myself and I needed to heal before I got into a new relationship.
That was all fine. I was only 39. There was no rush. I had loads of time. So I focused on the children and building a career. A relationship would come in time and when I was ready. Back then most available men were available because their old partner had enough of them and they had a lot of baggage (not fact but my thinking at the time). I didn't fancy a blended family and the potential impact that might have on my kids so I settled for being single and independent. But that was fine. I had time.
But now, almost 9 years diown the line it just doesn't seem that straightforward. I am almost 48 and single (technically still married but my stbx never made life easy) I am not panicing that I am getting too old but I am definitely feeling I might just see out the rest of my days on my own.
I look in the mirror and while I am still reasonably attractive I see someone that looks comfortable rather than desirable. I see all the signs of my increasing age and don't feel at all sexually attractive. I look at men my age and I see nice people but nobody seems to set my heart fluttering. Have I just switched off in that way? I just don't feel physical attraction to any man. I don't believe that nonsense that it will happen when the time is right. I think I have well and truly missed the boat on that one. Some men habe found me attractive and I have either found this really annoying as I usually liked them just as a friend, or I found it slightly scary.
This isn't a moan. I don't need a man to make my life complete. I guess I just always assumed I would find someone that would enhance it. Maybe that chapter of my life ended before it was written.