One of the many great comments I've read on this site is 'you are still 100% you'. After spending such a long time with another human being how the hell do you find that 100%? Who am I? I don't even know anymore. I was a dad and a husband. That was me. Really that's who I wanted to be, simple life no dramas. 50% me 50% her. Now I find myself 50% me and 50% empty. I had who I wanted to be and it's been snatched away from me, so now I've got to find another 50% of me from somewhere and I don't even know where to start looking. I liked being half of somebody else, that other half did make me feel complete. Safe. So now I can be whoever I want to be. Sounds great right? Can do whatever I like with my future. Truth is I've lost the person I wanted to be already. Do I need to change? Be somebody I'm not? The 'old' me obviously wasn't very good or I wouldn't be in this mess now. Where do you even start when you have to change your whole life?
You said that the old you wasnt very good. I think youre really being too hard on yourself. Is it not possible that SHE was the one who wasnt very good? And possibly she was just very good at hiding what she really was?
I have been through those thoughts, and I can guarantee many here have too. The simple fact is that you did your best. So keep reminding yourself of that. You tried, and I am willing to bet you tried very hard to make things work. You didnt give up. She did. It takes two people to make a marriage work, once one stops, it falls apart.
That is a hard concept to accept at times, but if you can do that, it will let you rest a lot easier.
Angie has is right as well. Be who you were meant to be. A good and loving man. That is all that matters.
Dont believe that by giving in to any demands she may make that you are being that though. Only accede to demands that are reasonable and acceptable to you. There is no kindness in being a doormat. You have to be your own man, and have your own life, which means being able to rebuild and start again.
Last piece of advice.... Look after you. It may sound callous or cold, but she doesnt matter any more. YOU do. If you have children they may be used as emotional blackmail, or pawns, or worst of all as weapons. Don't do that yourself, but also dont let your STBX do it either. Be fair and be reasonable. If its unfair to you, dont accept it. Thats all there is.
Hi Hiwthi - think its the old nibbling away at the elephant analogy. Different for everyone but I have done a lot of reading and your counselling when you get it will hopefully help. It really is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and you can feel so raw and exposed, but I think that the only way to get through this successfully (not that I have yet!) is to really get to know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses and get to like and accept yourself, warts and all. Funny thing for me to think that had none of this rubbish happened I would never have looked at myself in such depth as I have - would just have plodded along in role of mother/wife/employee etc. Have found it illuminating to hear what other people who know me have said to me once they have found out re divorce as well. Don't think it is a case of being whoever you want to be - a case of being the best person you are meant to be. Not easy Hiwthi but as others on this site have proven, not impossible either.