CAN ANYONE SAY ANYTHING REASSURING ?
My first blog... I am separated and awaiting mediation. My husbands family have been very smothering in my marriage and I have been second fiddle. Now, after having to leave the family home leaving the children in it in order to stop the arguments yet keep their stability I fear the children will chose to live with their father after the divorce. I feel totally outcast and having supported ny husband both emotionally and financially through his lifelong depression and unstable personality i feel vulnerable to the 'pull' that my husbands family have on my children . I have no true family myself and so there is no 'competition' . I just wondered if anyone had heard of any good things that my lift my hopes . The children are 12 & 14 and will apparently make their own choice about where they live but I want to offer an option of 50:50 custody while lol they can see is me vs. a 'family'...
Hallo tiredverytired, in my case my ex left the home as our relationship had completely broken down and I think things did improve with our children with both their parents. My ex barely saw them for a couple of years (new relationship and recovery) but he had built a close bond with them when they were little and this seemed to hold good. They both get on very well with him now. I admit this is slightly different - your children are younger and you are seeing them regularly. I guess what I'm saying is that if you have built a close relationship with them to date, I'm sure this will hold good like a gleaming golden chord. Agree with the others about trying to maintain balance, avoid parental alienation (dissing their father) and try to be as co-operative with him if you can. Build your team if you don't have local family - good friends, good working relations, neighbour's etc, wiki. I found developing a team was essential for me - looking after all the relationships I had with people and building new ones here and there. This gave me some firm ground on which to stand.
No, after years of being my husband's mother basically, I do have to remind myself that I will be very old one day and be very bitter if I haven't reclaimed my life. You are also right that the children will start caring for him in my place. I hear them say 'poor dad' at times. My friends have said that actually ,it is in their best interests to have a very balanced upbringing and so it is even more important that they are away from any single parenting 'style' or relationship.
Singing writing that first blog I have been totally lifted by the fact that people take the time to support someone they've never met and that has a knock on effect of helping a person to see further than their own little world ... It really helps. My worst fears in 10 years is that I will have missed out on seeing them grow up before they go off on their own paths so when I know whats happening after the divorce I will change my hours to see them as much as possible after school :-)
Be strong, Make good decisions for yourself and your children. Your husbands needs are no longer your responsibility, Harsh as it may sound.
pretend it is ten years down the line, look at your worst fears and imagine they have comt to be .. . . . now turn your mind to the present and do what you have to nicely to make sure your worst fears do not happen.
Take control of your life.
Small note. your husbands mental instability will have an effect on others and the children may even be protective of him if you have been, be careful it is their best interests you need to look out for. well done so far. If I am way off the mark please just straight talking, I can handle it. kind wishes Lily
Well, 'autumn leaves' and 'afonleas', THANK YOU. You took the time to write those replies and it is really appreciated. You are right that having hope is very important and compared to many I have good reason to keep positive. When it comes to it I will always be able to say I did my best, what ever the outcome and again you are right, children see and know more than we realise... we all just miss them don't we ?
Good luck and returning positivity to you both
The decision to separate/divorce is never taken lightly,it comes after much soulsearching,but when that decision is made and the practicalities begin,we start to doubt that decision.Then everything becomes a little bit nastier(despite attempts to keep things amicable)we really discover who has our best interests,and who does not,whilst we deal with our own emotions and also our own guilt at the marriage feeling,and us failing our kids,actually when you think about we deal with a massive amount of feelings.
You have moved out in an attempt to keep the peace somewhat,so no doubt your feeling guilty about your kids also,but actually you have done your kids a massive favour,although on wiki we advocate not leaving the home,sometimes leaving is the only option for sanity,and also the sanity of your kids.Believe me your kids will be aware of more than you will ever know,and will in time totally understand why you moved.They are not babies,although still young...and they will be able to use their voice about their future,when that time comes.Until then,reinforce your love for them,and be open as much as you can,without dissing Dad....
Maybe your overthinking things,and think that because he has family and you don't,maybe your kids will want them more than you ??? They will want all of you in their lives,they will want to maintain as much normality as they can.
That little word HOPE,is a great source of encouragement,I use it daily in my job,and I used it in my divorce malarkey,and you know something Hope never fails...
Give yourself the time,the love,the care that you need,and never forget with the help of Hope,one day it will all be better...
Right you...just keep doing what you're doing. I have been shunned by my in-laws even though it was their son who had the affair and had planned to leave as soon as the eldest turned 18. I too supported my x through 3 heart attacks/bypass (whilst he was having the affair)and throughout his career. My own family are more than useless but luckily a have a few good friends who have kept me on the'straight and narrow'. I'm a year down the line and i am still struggling to come to terms with whats happened but we have to keep fighting the good fight. Your kids need you now and always will so just keep that in mind. I know this is cliche but time heals all.