I stayed at work late on Friday as the prospect of a weekend with no plans stretched before me and to be honest I didn't want it to start. The thought of all the couples & families staying at home snuggling on the sofa and keeping each other warm in the most depressing month of the year. It brings back memories of last year when I had the blanket of my lovely husband to keep me warm. Still. Here I am on a Saturday night writing my blog and trying to think of things to do with my Sunday so that Monday comes around quicker.
I managed to convince my mother to go for lunch and do spot of shopping. I spoke with her about the revelations I have had around my 'neediness' in the marriage and how the emails I had written painted a picture of someone who had no life and was just living for her husband. I would make plans with his friends, I would go and support him on his hobbies, I would see his family all the while complaining about how difficult my job was and how I needed support from him. My mother agreed and said that from the outside it did look like I was needy. She said he wasn't my carer, he was my husband. I broke down in front of poor young waiter who looked terrified and run off at speed. The revelations of my part to play in the breakdown of the marriage is hitting me hard. My mum drew comparisons with Princess Diana and Camilla. She said that it doesn't matter how beautiful you are or how everyone else may think you are just lovely, Charles went for Camilla because they worked, she was the right fit for him. So your husband may have left you and started sleeping with this unattractive girl who is obviously rather cheap to be sleeping with two men at once but that isn't what matters. She was a breath of fresh air, no strings, easy! You may be lovely and beautiful (she's my mum and has to say that) but that isn't enough. You need to build up your self-esteem, get some hobbies, make more friends and a get a life of your own! I know she is right: I need to work on me.
That isn't to say he is an angel, my mum reminded me of a time when I was having a particularity bad time of it and he packed me off for a 2 week holiday on my own to get my head together, I was miserable and lonely the whole time. He said he would of joined me but money was tight. 2 months later he managed to find the funds for a 3 week trip to go trekking across India. There are a million tiny examples of this me being too needy, him pulling away. My mum just said that it is all evidence that we aren't right for one another. I said its all just evidence that we needed to work on things as they are both personality traits that neither of us like about ourselves so we could have changed them, if not for one another then for our own personal growth.
But still.. I wish.. I wish he had given me a chance. In the months since we have broken up I have got a promotion, reconnected with friends & family, starting this intensive course and I'm about to join a run club to increase my social circle and health. Instead he said nothing and then just left when he had had enough. I wish he had spoken with me, or when he told me he wanted a divorce at least committed to trying couple counselling first. I wish he had given me a chance. But today I I finally understood, he had just had enough. I look back at previous relationships where I have been the one to end it, granted they weren't as long, but the feelings were still there. The thought of going back to them literally turns my stomach. The thought 'no way sod that' springs to mind. I literally wouldn't contemplate it in a million years... that is how he must of felt. That is how he still must feel. It makes me sick that I can love someone so much and also know the feelings that they must have for me. I feel like I have driven the love right out of him and it hurts.
My mum asked if I would take him back. I said I would think about it. Well at least I would commit to couples therapy and see how it went. I'm still not ready to let go. Even after he has filed for divorce, slept with his best friend girlfriend, spread gossip about me and generally only thought of himself. But he never cheated on me, hasn't lied to me once, I know if ever I was in trouble or needed him it doesn't matter what he was doing where he was or who he was with he would still come to me. But I also know if I was to take him back the dynamic in our relationship will have forever altered. I would no longer be able to look at him as my rock and the person who would never leave me. He would no longer have the respect for me he once did as he has treated me so badly and yet I have taken him back. But maybe thats what we needed? He now knows that I can live without him, that I can flourish and build a life all of my own: He would know (if he asked me back) that he can't live without me, therefore shouldn't take me for granted... I know there is no way back from the brink but still.. I wish for a miracle... In my fantasy I get a call from his therapist who asks me to join in a few sessions and then he lays his heart bare: regrets, love, reconciliation and wanting to work through it in a healthy way... I've always had an active imagination. But that doesn't keep me warm at night.
Since the moment it happened pretty much everyone I have told says 'he will regret that, you are going to find someone new and he will be great' they all seem to say it with such certainty like its almost a foregone conclusion. It doesn't even sound like platitudes, people just say it in a matter of fact way. I wish I had their confidence. Sometimes I wonder what is making me cling so tightly to the marriage. Is it the companionship? The comfort of being in a marriage? The thought of a family? No. It really is his company, his friendship and 'our' life I miss. I can imagine being with someone new and that I would make a better wife for all the things I have learnt throughout the last 10 years.That I could genuinely be happy. But it won't be with someone who I grew up with, who I've shared so many wonderful life experiences with, who knows every facet of my being. I don't believe I will ever allow myself to become that vulnerable again. I now know I always need to hold a part of me back just for me. Instead of just blindly giving myself fully. Deep breath, this is possibly the hardest thing any of the people on this site will ever have to deal with: I need to learn to make peace with both of our parts to play in the breakdown of the marriage and accept the fact that no matter how much I want to, there is nothing I can do to fix it as he won't let me. I have to learn to let go. No other options. Good night and good luck.
To end on a lighter note: I am trying my local run club on Monday. I am SO nervous as I have only ever run at my local parkrun and genuinely I am right at the back. I also have my course starting next week so I will be kept busy busy busy. A wiki wrote on one of my boards today which has really stuck with me 'you need to become the type of person you want to attract' I love that. It makes so much sense. I want someone who looks after themselves, who is passionate about there hobbies and job (but doens't let that take over their whole life), who is doing well financially, who is kind, who isn't still in love with there ex and who is emotionally healthy. Now I have some of those things, I'm financially independent and love my job but that isn't enough. So joining a run club, starting therapy and trying to learn some techniques to move on from this divorce.. I really hope I am on the right path to attract the right partner for me. That when I am in the right place they will appear! I don't want them to be the whole cake, I need to be that for myself, but a nice thick layer of icing is always appreciated.
My quote of the day is:
“The flower doesn’t dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes.” Mark Nepo