This Saturday I went to a dance music festival in London with two friends. Two friends that probably wouldn't of been friends if it wasn't for my world getting turned upside down. I had such a great time and not once did I think of my life being rubbish or the stresses of divorce or doing the knowledge, I was free. If only for the day but it felt good. It opened my eyes, this was something I never would of done while with my stbx I actually couldn't think of anything worse but standing there in that wet field or hot sweaty tent I didn't want to be anywhere else at that moment. The people there were not all 18 year olds, far from it, it was mainly people my age still enjoying themselves with their friends. I'm 36 years old but may as well of been 66 while with my stbx my life was no life, boring, work home eat sleep repeat. I thought that's what I wanted, sometimes I still do, but really I feel like I'm coming out of my cocoon that I've been in for the last ten years. I wasn't boring before marriage and kids, I was the one that was always out last, that never wanted to go home is this what marriage does to you? Maybe it's just what everyone succumbs to eventually. I got some admiring looks and comments from some nice girls and although I'm certainly not on the lookout for any kind of relationship ATM it made me feel great, and also made me think yeah maybe in time there is somebody out there looking for me. This post isn't just about music and dancing but what I think it did for me, I finally think that I've reached acceptance. I'm not going to get too far ahead of myself but i went to buy presents for our little ones birthday on sat with the stbx, I looked at her for a second and thought 'I don't want you anymore' she looked a bit of a mess, she still had a bit of mascara on her face from what looks like she had been crying(again). Before this I looked forward to doing anything with her any little reason just to be with her but this time? I didn't want to, I would've rather done it on my own. It seems the old saying of the best revenge is having a happy life is true. I'm certainly going to try.
I don't think it's marriage, just the wrong marriage.
You sound a little like me in this way.
I was the "fun" one, I was the one everyone invited, I was the party-starter.
Now having left it, I am slowly remembering who I actually am. Or who I was...not sure of the semantics here but...
I let myself (through my people-pleasing peace-keeping habits) be changed into some sort of a zombie, which like you said, is stuck on repeat.
If we can learn the lessons about keeping our own identities, choices and needs...it would seem logically possible that long-term relationships cannot yet be counted out.
Hope. The last bastion of the unlucky.
I have decided that I am not giving up; I am just starting over.
36 you're in the prime of your life! It doesn't have to be only for the day that you feel good, every day can be like that. You get to decide from now on! If that's not cause for celebration, then what is?