Hi all, be doing ok lately mostly looking on the positive side of things, few down days but seem to be getting less. I signed up to a free dating website, don't ask me why, just to see what it's all about I guess. I don't do dating, I don't think I've really ever been on a date. Not as an adult anyway. So I've been talking to a girl, seemed nice. She knows the situation we agreed to met up last night for a drink, this is totally out my comfort zone, but something I've told myself I need to do. It went ok we chatted for a few hours. She was nice, completely different to stbx but I knew it wouldn't lead anywhere she wasn't/isn't the type for me. I left, drove home and felt quite good, almost happy, and I woke this morning for the first time in ages with the slightest smile on my face. Maybe there is someone, the one, out there. Now here's the thing, it didn't last long, and today I feel pretty rubbish. Maybe it brought home just what I had and what I lost? I don't know. I'm trying to look on the positive side of things, maybe I'll go on more dates maybe not. It was nice to talk to someone at least. Maybe it was a bit of hope when you are exchanging messages but when you actually meet you realise that it's not going to be that simple. Time will tell.
Your biggest problem is going to be the wall you build around yourself to protect you !!! You will build it !!! This applies to male and female.
Once bitten twice shy as they say. I think that the recognised number of ID dates you go on before meeting your match is 32 !! Figures are clouded of course because just like wiki when things start going right you never hear from them again.
The one thing that you can be assured of is that the one you find will be nothing like the image in your mind. In fact there is a good saying.
''You will not find them..they will find you''
Just make sure that you are confident and have laid your troubles to rest or you may frighten them away !!
That's very true I'm not ready but like you say it did make me feel a bit normal again for a while so I'm glad I did it but I won't be doing anymore for a while. I really don't know how to date! Feels like a bit of a silly word to me when I'm 35 and gave been married with kids. Dating is what teenagers do. I guess the good thing about ID is you get to 'know' them a little bit before meeting. She was a nice girl, not for me but then I'm not going to settle for anything anymore, I'd rather be alone than have another nightmare in my hands. Now here's the thing if you bumped into someone on the street or a friend of a friend and got talking and ended up going out for a drink, confiding in one another and ended up getting close would that be any different to meeting someone on a website that you've chatted to through messaging? I'm not sure. I understand about being happy with yourself first I get that completely but, if you met someone tomorrow that totally knocked your socks off would you not pursue it because of the situation you are in? What if that person was the 'one'? I guess what I'm asking is how long is the right time? I won't be actively looking for it, but let's face it none of us want to be alone that's probably the scariest thought we all had at some time through this process right? So like I say I'm glad I did it, it's given me a little boost that maybe there is the 'one' out there somewhere. Someone for all of us. Got to have that bit of hope to help you get up in the morning.
There are also a lot of good honest genuine people on ID looking for a way forward. If however you read the profiles you will see that they are inuntated with sex pests of various sorts.
You must ask yourself WHY you want another partner as such. The last effort caused you severe financial pain (or will do) and screwed your head.
Yes I agree that it is a boost to your confidence but as you realise its not a lasting one, You were down again the next day. It can also have the opposite affect. You meet one and afterwards you compare to what you had. Now that is extremely difficult. You lived with your x and moulded into each other. Experienced new things together and in all probability concentrated on the partnership rather than each others looks. But of course you didn't deliberately wear clothes each other liked etc.
With meeting someone else as you have found she probably didn't tick all your boxes and vice versa. But who is to say you couldn't grow together ? Remember the story of the ugly swan ?
Its not easy, you have to keep on your toes , read signals and signs.
If you don't you will be left with the cunning one who will destroy you again. Or you may actually hurt a good one.
I know many women who do ID and I have remained good friends with some.
Funny thing is that most of the IDs are still living on their own popping into the 'dating scene'' and out again . Its the same with men.
Dating is not the same these days and as you can see from postings on this site there are a lot of people who are really screwed up by divorce for 100001 reasons. You have experienced the pain. The confusion, the self examination etc. You see the question WHY? far to many times.
Now check ID profiles and learn to read them. Oh you get the gist after a while. ''Back on here for another go'' So what chaos did they leave behind. Or what chaos did someone else cause?
I know where you are coming from though. You need validation. You want to feel normal again. You want to get back to level ground so you can deal with life can move forward. From experience I know that at the moment you are probaby a total mess !! Everyone I know will tell you the same. They (male and female) were total messes for a long time.
Its only when you sort your life out the way YOU want it and get stability again that you will be attractive to the opposite sex.
Even today my friends will laugh as they tell me what a mess I was !!!
Thank polar. I've only had a little look but I can already tell that there are a lot of strange people on there! I didn't actually discuss my problems when out with her so it was a bit of relief from all that really, just had a normal chat about normal things and had a bit of a laugh. Yep I'm not ready I know that but I'm glad I went and glad I did it just to prove to myself that I could if anything.
It took me more than a year to get on the dating scene. I did have a social life with younger friends which consisted of a pub I used to go to. A new drinking hole , singles clubs etc. I needed company and to tell you the truth I did not have the confidence to talk to anyone let alone have a relationship.
I will however give you bonus points for going on one date which actually proved to you that not every person in the world is out to screw you.
You will however come up against a lot of screwed up people I can assure you.They have been through what you have been through and some are out to get revenge on the opposite sex . Yep I dated one and she thought I was tight fisted after taking her on holiday so I dumped her. She picked up with another guy and slowly cleaned him out before moving on to the next and the next. As you are very raw and vunerable you don't want to suddenly find yourself in the frying pan/fire situation.
I did internet dating for 4 years and could really tell you some harsh stories. Really harsh ones. The number of what I would class as goodies was about 10% . I popped back onto the dating site purely for interest recently using a friends account. YEP there were all the freeloaders, The ''I have nothing to do on a Friday so some guy will treat me to a meal''. Still on the site 7 years after they joined. A friend had a female friend much younger who had conned over 120 meals out of unsuspecting men. I do know the cons happen in reverse to the women on these sites so its not just one sided.
Its a harsh anonymous world fraught with cons . Research has recently shown that about 30% on the sites are married (both sexes) or already in a relationship. Do you really want to be the guy who splits somebody elses marriage up and they end up on this site ?
You have discovered that you do not have 2 heads and a humpback but unfortunately you have made a crucial mistake. You NEVER discuss your current troubles when on a date. That comes much further into the dates if it goes further.
Become happy with yourself, be happy with your lot in life, do not be desperate to find a replacement. Learn to live by yourself for a while and then you will be a much more attractive proposition to a future partner..if in fact you ever want to put yourself in the firing line again !! Remember some of the old sayings ''act in haste, repent at leisure'' so you have to be strong enough to face rejection before you date again. And remember the rate of divorce is higher for second marriages than first marriages. You can PM me if you want further advice.
Dont think there is anything to wrong with meeting new people as it helps you feel more positive about the future as well. But you dont sound like your at the dating stage and agree not fair on the other person.
Hiwthi agree with the others. too early for you and not fair on the girl. Please just get yourself out on the social scene again with friends, sports, book groups etc - whatever floats your boat. FWIW I've just started dating again 3 years after STBX walked out and for me it's about right. I'm 53 and was married 25 years so a lot of baggage. There is nothing wrong with being single.
Too early I agree you are not doing yourself or the people you date any favours do they deserve to be part of your mess what have they done to deserve that ??? You may think they know the score but deep inside I bet she was thinking omg!!!! Leave it alone for a big you have enough on your plate with the stbx playing away from home to be doing it yourself