I had a lovely evening yesterday, I went for dinner with friends. One of the women there had her husband walk out on her for another woman just months after they got married. Its been two years and she is still very very angry. She is in another relationship and living with a very kind man, but it seems she clings to the anger like a safety blanket. I understand, not only was there an affair but another betrayal (which I won't mention here as its not my story) that runs far deeper. Yet all I can think is: I don't want to be her. I don't want to be made into an angry in bittered person by the actions of someone else. I need.. no have to.. let go of the pain. With that in mind I got therapy organised... Next Wednesday! Its a solution focussed therapy, I need to relearn mechanisms (with the support of my therapist) in order to move on from this pain and anger. The events of Christmas have set me back somewhat but I can't let it define me.
When looking on social media yesterday I saw that he is dating, or at least spending a lot of time with, another woman. I know the woman, if I'm honest she is a far better fit for him than I would ever be. She is high energy, quite neurotic and always on the go plus she likes climbing and the great outdoors... all in all she is pretty much a female version of my ex and very similar to his family. I used to think that opposites attract: that my laid back behaviour to his high energy bought about a nice equilibrium. That taught him to relax and me to get up and go. But when he left he said he wanted to find someone more like himself, so I guess now he will have what he wants. I do want him to be happy, I just wish I could have moved on first. However, that is two women in the seven months since we have broken up... Plus he's been on several internet dates and slept with who knows how many women. I don't think its a vindictive attempt to hurt me, merely that he has clearly moved on with his life and I need to do the same. I think he was right about one thing though, I should be looking for someone more like myself and not the opposite of who I am. I think that it would 'work' better in the long run.
But it got me thinking: just months before we broke up. We went out for dinner with his cousin (Sally) and her husband (Harry). I spent the evening talking with Harry, it was such fun! We were laughing and joking about a documentary we had seen on the television and our conversation got even more ridiculous and animated as the evening went on. By contrast my stbx was at the other end of the table have a very serious discussion about politics, the withering looks my stbx and Sally gave us just spurred us on into further fits of hilarity. The new girl (I assume he is with) is very political and is rather a manic / depressed person so on paper they do make a good match. Now I look back now on all the photos I have seen of him over the last seven months and all I can think is 'wow, you really wont be having much fun' or at least not having fun as I would define it. Because I don't really think he knows how to.
He had two very different groups of people he socialised with. One was very arty / studenty / EMO (I think thats the word, their seems to be so much 'drama' and depression in that group its hard to keep up) and another group who were more down to earth. Who were getting married / having babies / had good jobs and were generally grown up having happy lives. He was never comfortable around the more down to earth people and came into his own around the EMO bunch. Unsurprisingly I got on far better with the down to earth group. Maybe when he first met me he was trying to be something he isn't, and now he has finally accepted who he is and will end up immersed in this rather depressing EMO group? That does worry me though. Because whilst he was always more relaxed around them he was also vastly more depressed. But he could never be himself around people like me because it just wasn't him. I guess some people are just happy being unhappy? I have to accept that and let go.
I had a lovely dream last night that was so full of colour I woke up with a smile on my face: I met a woman in a bar and we started playing a game of elaborate dares, then her friends joined in. Within the group was a lovely man, we got on really well and there was a real connection there. It was light and fun and reminded me what it is like to be really desired by a man and just have fun. Its been so long since I've felt that light. At the end of the dream we had all bundled into the car to drive up to Newcastle for the latest elaborate 'dare' that was to happen between my new crush and I. It was at that point I woke up. I attempted to get myself back to sleep just so I could continue on with the dream... but I guess that isn't an option for me. I shall have to make my dreams my reality.
I start my course this evening, another new beginning! I have had so many new beginnings in the last few months that I'm struggling to catch up. I must say I am rather nervous, I wonder what the people on the course will be like. I really want to make some new friends. Plus it will be working towards something that will improve my life enormously... I don't think I've done that since I was at school. I am hoping it will bring up my self esteem as well. Todays quotes:
“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!”
― C. JoyBell C.
“One of the best times for figuring out who you are & what you really want out of life? Right after a break-up.”
― Mandy Hale, The Single Woman: Life, Love, and a Dash of Sass
Hi Mitchum, thank you for your guidance. This will be my second time in therapy. I was seeing a counsellor directly after the split until about October 2015. Frustratingly due to financial reasons I had to stop seeing her. I am now getting assistance through my companies EAP but like you say it's a matter of compatibility.... I am really hoping this new therapist will be as good 'fit' as my last.
I'm currently trying every new activity under the sun to keep myself occupied (running, languages, photography, art) and I've just started my HND CIPD which should keep me busy as well as tennis lessons.... Alas nothing seems to fill that void I get in the early hours of the morning :( or the feeling like he is somehow having more fun than me and that without me he will have a happier life. That is where I'm hoping therapy will help.
Here is hoping all wikis find the peace and fulfilment they are looking for.
Therapy is an excellent idea. Bear in mind that it may take one or two sessions before you can judge whether you and the therapist are compatible and you begin to feel a difference in your emotions.
A good therapist can help you see things from a wider perspective. I was very unsure after the first session. Well, I just cried for an hour so it was difficult to judge, but after the second session, I began to see a way forward. Sometimes during the session I'd wonder what some of her comments meant and even going to bed that night, but the next day, it made sense. Be patient with yourself, but if after a couple of sessions you think this person isn't for you, don't be afraid to change. Recommendation is a good measure.
Lots of wikis have done amazing things whilst going through their divorce, e.g. qualifying as a nurse,completing a degree or coping with redundancy and getting a better job. So whatever your course is I hope it transports you from the place you're in at the moment and gives you that impetus and self belief to move on and just be happier and more fulfilled.