Yesterday I was sent a screenshot of my soon to be ex-husbands' Tinder profile. I talked about dignity the other week and how important it is to me. I live on a small island, only around 40,000 permanent residents, so your Tinder profile (and pretty much everything else you do) is seen and heard about by everyone. I was shocked, upset and a little confused. We split up because he was having an affair, so I don't know what's happened to the other woman. She's a crazy mad person so maybe he got bored already. Maybe he's desperate for attention. Maybe he's still looking for the happiness he thought he'd get automatically when we parted. The interesting thing to note here is that we met on a website. We hooked up about 3 months after he split up from his previous girlfriend. What's that quote about history..."Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it". I've seen many people on Wikivorce say that the person their partner becomes after separation is not the person they married, and I am starting to see that is very true. After the initial shock and upset, I feel strangely calm. My soon to be ex-husband is desperate for validation and is obviously looking for short-term fixes. And I am here, on my own, working through the pain, but slowly realising that I will be absolutely fine in the end. I might even have been gifted a beautiful thing.
I love the idea of a list of all the reasons why I am better off without my soon to be ex husband. I can see that would be a useful tool when I'm feeling low. I am completely with you on well meaning friends telling you news. I will be moving towards the point where I no longer need to hear anything but at the minute, the Tinder incident being a good example, in a weird way it's helping me move on. The analogy I used the other day was that when you want to cure a fear of spiders, you keep showing the person a spider until after a while, the presence of a spider elicits no response. The more I hear, the less I care. In the future, I will certainly want to hear any 'big news' and island life being what it is, I am quite sure that kind of news will always be forthcoming! Thanks Vastra X
If it helps, add this Tinder episode to a list of reasons you are better off without him in your life (my list has about 45 items!). When you have a low moment and miss him or just the companionship, read it for a reality check. Regarding your friend sending you the screenshot, I eventually asked friends not to tell me things about ex or OW unless it was really important (e.g. I was being seriously slandered or they heard something that related to my sons' wellbeing). On the one hand it can help you to see you're better off without them, but after a while it can feel like picking at a wound.
Hi Vastra - yeah, I thought it was a little bit strange and possibly cruel, but on reflection, I suspect this person (a very close friend) knows what it takes to get some fire in my belly. I am definitely enjoying a period of peace and I suspect it's because it made me realise what a car-crash of a person my soon to be ex husband is. I did think to myself that if I was in his position, I'd be lying very low as I would be concerned about my reputation! Stuff like this only makes me stronger. It helps not to care so much when you don't care so much about the person.
Hope you're well Vastra. Thanks for touching base :)
Strange that someone sent you his Tinder profile, but it's all rather tragic that he's already looking for the next fling and advertising the fact! Yep the leaving partners don't seem to have much insight or learn as much from it as the partner who is left. It's a searingly painful lesson but I hope we will all come through wiser and stronger and better.