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Eight Days in....

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Well when I last wrote I had managed on Saturday until approx 17:30hrs before the flood gates opened... and oh boy open they did, dont even know what started it! So in a rage I sent a text to lash out and told him to get his backside home and deal with his youngest son who was sat at home trying to comfort me (the eldest was helping his Dad at the time which he does every Saturday afternoon)... What a world of pain that provoked he came home and we had a massive row, we both said some really hateful things and the kids were listening to it from upstairs one had his headphones on & the other was using a hairdryer trying to block out the noise... He said he was going to take the kids off me, withdraw all the money from the account and that I always favour one son over the other... that was just what he said to me! He went out to fetch food because I said I didnt care about cooking or eating and then I went to bed, I made him sleep on the sofa... On Sunday awake from early morning, so thought would come down and try to talk, cant carry on like that with kids can you! I asked for a hug, it was so cold... like he was giving someone a hug off the street... We sat and talked although it was mostly him explaining to me how he needed to find himself and get a flat so he could see if he wanted me or not!! He then took the kids to see his Sister, and he suggested that we go out for Dinner to save me having to cook, I agreed to go... what a mistake nearly burst into tears just as we got into the pub, sat in silence while he and the kids were talking felt like every mouthfull would choke me.... He then bought us all home and said he was going out and would'nt be back that night. Eldest had taken the dog for a walk and he said I Love you to the youngest and left... Never really acknowledged me it was so painful! Had a phone call from my eldest about half an hour later to say that he could'nt breathe and felt dizzy... had to go and fetch him, he was in a hell of a state, suffering with a panic attack, it took me ages to calm him down, spent a lonley night after they had gone to bed crying again.... Well today got up both kids are not where they should be youngest is off with his bad stomach again from school, and eldest in no fit state to go to his apprenticship, so felt the need to go to both places and explain to school and his boss what was happening. Had to go Shopping and didnt want to go to either places just wanted to hide in the house, today has not been good! Feel really weepy, panic attacks are back with a vengence and no idea when he is coming back which puts me on edge, I take it he is looking for a flat somewhere or with his friend..... (I say that with tounge in cheek...). I dont want him in the house because when hes here hes not here and it is really hard seeing him knowing I that I am not the centre of his world... its really hard today! Every television programme seems to be about happily married people & families, never noticed before... Does anyone else find that your concentration is shot... flitting from one thing to another never really concentrating on anything for very long, the only thing that seems to help is this forum and the people on it as they know what its like to be here in this nightmare reality right now..... I'l sign off for today, lots of love to you all...

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It's very early days and as the others say, you're right in the midst of what will be possibly be the most painful life experience you will go though. The emotional rollercoaster of grief, anger and terror is all to be expected, plus the horrible pain of seeing your children hurt as well. My concentration was totally shot, I lost things all over the place and forgot everything. Write down everything, use your phone for reminders and lists if you can. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for the angry outbursts - these are extraordinary circumstances when the person you trusted and probably regarded as your best mate has betrayed you and is accusing you of all sorts of crimes. This will not last forever, we have all come through it but won't ever forget how awful it is X
Give in and let the tears flow. Tears come from emotions rising from deep down when those awful feelings of fear, betrayal and rejection are overwhelming.

When we give in and let the teardrops fall, all those feelings can be set free. It can feel like the tears will never end once the floodgates are open, but speaking as someone who cried rivers, I can tell you that they will stop when you're all cried out, but for now allow them to do their healing.

This truly is the worst time for you now. Life is made up of beginnings and endings and the saddest ending is when a marriage is closing down around you and you feel powerless to save it. Somehow you have to shut out what he's saying and doing. The hardest thing to accept is that he has planned this and you are left behind playing catch up, whilst trying to come to terms with the hurt of rejection and what is going to happen to the family now.

What you really want is an understanding of what has happened, but there will probably be no explanations and you're left trying to piece everything together. I desperately wanted an apology but that was never going to happen. I remember even now feeling broken and not knowing how to mend myself.

Talking is good. Talk to anyone who will listen, family and friends, both real and virtual. Wikis are very good at that. It's what we do best. There's always a wiki with time to listen and respond.

Writing about your feelings to us in your blog is a therapy. Even just speaking your feelings out loud to yourself can be a healing. Breathing deeply or going for a long walk can help with the panicky feelings. I know when I was where you are right now I had the concentration span of a gnat, so keep things simple, one task at a time. Get through to evening, try to eat something nutritious. Try not to cry too much in front of the boys. They are grieving too, but you are their strength and their rock. Come onto wiki and let feelings go to people who understand.

Yes, it's a good idea to read Vicki Stark. I didn't until I was staying at the home of a wiki friend and it was on the bookcase in the bedroom. I started to read it and read all night. It was about ME. She had written it specially for me and of course for you and for anyone who has been left.

Take a look at her website:

In time you will realise that you truly deserve better. xx

Hi need a friend, let me tell you that you have lots of friends on this site and we have all been or are going through just what you are going through now. This site got me through the terrible times and I'm sure it will you too. Everything your feeling is very very normal. It's just a tornado of emotions, hurt, pain, anger, disbelieve, shock, despair and absolute fear I think that was the worst for me. I just couldn't imagine how I was going to get through it and were my life was going to end up,but I did get through it and although there are some things I am still sad about. I'm happier, stronger and more fulfilled than I was when I was married but it's been a long journey my friend one your just starting. My advice in the early days is spend as much time with the people in your life that love you. Tell yourself that everything your feeling is normal when your going through this because everything you've discribed is very normal. Focus on getting yourself and your kids through this awful time with as much dignity, love and support for you all as you can. And be kind to yourself, try and get out for some fresh air and do things that bring you some comfort, it could be something really simple like a nice bubble bath. These are just a few things that helped me through the early days, I hope it helps you a little. Keep blogging on here too it really helps x
Thanks for ur support it means a lot x don't know what else to say I'm drowning xx

Big hugs to you. You've got through the first week - well done! Now for the second day by day.

Yes, yes, yes to happy couples everywhere - but are they? Who knows what their public persona is portrayed as?

As for tv shows - yes they trigger off emotions. I couldn't listen to music for weeks as every song, I felt related to my situation, because I turned it into it.

As for concentration mine still isn't what it used to be but it's a lot better than it was - hence my suggestion of making lists for things you want to achieve/need doing. This is where I found going back to work for a routine helped.

Well done on telling the school and your son's boss. People like this need to know the situation. My eldest's school was brilliant and got him some counselling as part of their pastoral care promise.

Keep doing what you are doing, you're going to be ok

Take care